Do you believe that you're powerful? Do you know how strong you truly are? Do you know that God respects your decisions? Do you know that you have a choice at all times in all situations in your life? Believe it honey because it's true! Feels good right? Until you give your power over to someone else by allowing your self to see yourself as a victim. Hold on now I'm in no way suggesting that there are no instances where we become victimized through no doing of our own like if you get raped or burglarized or murdered there you become victimized but you can choose to not become a victim. The difference is in your attitude.
We have control over ourselves, our actions, our beliefs, our attitudes and our responses to external stimuli. Any time that you look back on a situation and blame someone else for your present condition, you have officially given away your power. Now think of that person or situation that you blame and ask yourself is that really who you want to be controlling your life? What makes them better qualified at running the show than you? Is that really what you want for yourself? Does that person or situation have your best interests at heart? I hope the answer is no, if it's yes I send my sincerest condolences to you, you may as well swing by the nearest funeral parlor and pick out your coffin right now. God brought you into the world fully equipped with a state of the art device built into you called Free Will! That's why he doesn't strike you down when you behave badly, that's why he doesn't force people to love him or believe in him. If any body tells you otherwise they are lying please choose to disengage from that toxic person, they are not beneficial to you in any. Similar to people who like to control people and situations. Now I must say that I have been guilty of trying to control and force people to do things my way I admit it I take full responsibility for the consequences that followed and I am also grateful that I learnt that the "power" I thought I had or the relief I got from getting my way was short lived and ultimately false. I understand where that need to control came from and I had to seek authentic power which comes from running my own show and allowing others to be and see things the way they choose. I feel freer now and there are fewer people and situations that occupy my mind ever since I let go of the need to control and blame others for things I did or said, drunk or sober.
How do we let go you ask? Simple, just decide to, choose to, if there's an apology you need to give just do it, this can be really scary but God gave us Instant messaging and other wonderful means to get messages across the courage for face to face meetings comes with time. Acknowledge your role, the person may have some hard words to say to you don't let them dump on you and victimize you in the process, resist the urge for unnecessary arguments and justifications, the aim is to free yourself and if they choose to stay stuck with guilt trips and other manipulations don't take those on, you have done what was required of you, their happiness is not dependant on you. Similarly, if a person apologizes to you be gracious and accept in this way we all become free to be.
Monday 8 December 2014
Wednesday 3 December 2014
OUCH! it hurts!!!
The silly season is upon us, in SA we like to say"KE DEZEMBER BOSS" *pronounced •kii• •December but we joke around and make a z sound instead of the sss sound• • boss• because although we know and use the term boss appropriately its also a term of endearment for friends and people in general... Ok I suck at explaining language nuances deal with it. Its a happy time, it truly is, Spring and Summer converge and give way to each other in a beautiful way and we have clear sunny days, just when the heat becomes unbearable the heavens open up and just when you're thoroughly wet, out comes the sun again... The nights are just magical our sunsets are breathtaking and our dawns are a sight to behold, *yes Africa is blessed* for this reason we don't sleep, we party, we sit outside, we hobnob! All this is good and thoroughly enjoyable except for those who are grieving.
The word grief tends to be associated with death and rightly so because well death denotes the end. The end of life, the end of love, the end of a state of being, the end is traditionally seen as the snuffing out of hope. This leads to disappointment, depression, frustration, anger and pain. All these are normal and everyone walking the face of the earth has had an encounter with at least 1 if not all of these. They are no fun! Can we be ok with that? Can we allow ourselves and others to sit with any of these and not interrupt the process? Can we? Do we? The other thing about grief in general is that it has no expiry date. We tend to revere people who don't go "down" into the deep of these emotions and we call them strong, I don't know anybody who would be offended at being called strong it's an amazing state to aspire to. However, I think the heroes are those who allow themselves to go down into the deep dark belly of despair and feel it... I didn't say those who WALLOW I'm talking about those who allow their hearts to break, who are not afraid to cry their tears and allow themselves enough compassion to know that although it hurts now, it won't hurt always and they allow themselves to smile during the tears and be content to just breathe when the voice of confusion is shouting at the top of its nasty disempowering voice. Because they know or at least a part of them remembers that hope is never lost, it may be hidden under the rubble of the explosion caused by grief, but its waiting to be discovered at the end of those tears. And that's where the beauty of the end lies...
It ushers in the beginning! Everybody loves a happy ending and that for some situations is the beginning. Wherever you are whatever you're contending with go with it, don't fear the end, rejoice in the beginning. Yay!
The word grief tends to be associated with death and rightly so because well death denotes the end. The end of life, the end of love, the end of a state of being, the end is traditionally seen as the snuffing out of hope. This leads to disappointment, depression, frustration, anger and pain. All these are normal and everyone walking the face of the earth has had an encounter with at least 1 if not all of these. They are no fun! Can we be ok with that? Can we allow ourselves and others to sit with any of these and not interrupt the process? Can we? Do we? The other thing about grief in general is that it has no expiry date. We tend to revere people who don't go "down" into the deep of these emotions and we call them strong, I don't know anybody who would be offended at being called strong it's an amazing state to aspire to. However, I think the heroes are those who allow themselves to go down into the deep dark belly of despair and feel it... I didn't say those who WALLOW I'm talking about those who allow their hearts to break, who are not afraid to cry their tears and allow themselves enough compassion to know that although it hurts now, it won't hurt always and they allow themselves to smile during the tears and be content to just breathe when the voice of confusion is shouting at the top of its nasty disempowering voice. Because they know or at least a part of them remembers that hope is never lost, it may be hidden under the rubble of the explosion caused by grief, but its waiting to be discovered at the end of those tears. And that's where the beauty of the end lies...
It ushers in the beginning! Everybody loves a happy ending and that for some situations is the beginning. Wherever you are whatever you're contending with go with it, don't fear the end, rejoice in the beginning. Yay!
Monday 1 December 2014
The Formula for Forgiveness
Let me just say that I don't know exactly what it is that I'm getting ready to say, but writing is therapeutic and hopefully something coherent will come out of this because I have to get these things off my chest... I'm a Christian so I believe Jesus when he prescribes forgiveness 100% of the time for 100% of everything. The bible also prescribes reconciliation, I am not your pastor so I won't be giving you the verses, you can go check google if you don't have a bible or roll your eyes if you're an atheist: my blog my words - I digress... Anyway Paul's formula is go make things right with the person first and if they apologize accept it and go on your merry way. Paul wasn't the Messiah so he knew how fucked up people can be so he said if the person pisses you off further regarding the same issue THEN you can invite someone else *elders of the church he said* and they can hear both sides and hopefully broker peace... Sometimes this works sometimes it doesn't, some people's fucked-upness knows no bounds so if they still refuse to see the light then you're free to dismiss the person and have no further dealings with them, no it doesn't say nurse a grudge, just stay out of each others way.
I try as hard as I can to live by this, I don't think I hold grudges but sometimes like once or twice I have stopped talking to people just because I like to protect my space from ratchetness. So far I'm aware of 1 person that I don't speak to, she's "family" in that way that Africans believe that having the same surname makes us family... What was her crime? She cursed me out in Zulu. See for some reason English cuss words don't cut as deep as Zulu ones and I'm a good 9 years older than this girl and I don't care whether you're jumping off a cliff or losing your mind I don't tolerate disrespect and she never bothered to come and apologize to me, however I did text that I had forgiven her although I never want her in my space, I had to block her from fb because she would look over my page and go spread gossip about whatever she found there without fact verification, she continues to talk about me but I have told our other"family members" not to answer questions about me from her and not to inform me of whatever she says because I don't acknowledge her existence, you're well within your rights to engage ME on this one, I'm at peace. I don't define that as a grudge.
Now we get to the things that are bothering me... A few people like to reach out to me from time to time so I have to recount those stories so you know what I'm on about. The things our men do to us... Firstly its weird how we forgive and reconcile with our men for cheating on us but we hardly *never* do same with the women they participate with... Just putting that out there. Then we forgive and reconcile with the man who cheats, beats, undermines and generally undermines us time and time again, in most instances brother man is not even your husband or fiance he's just a brutha passing through your life and you allow him to drag you through the manure, only for him to leave you and you get bitter at his new woman and become his side chick... Do we not see? Where is the love there? We should forgive methinks, but we need to love as well and love does not hurt intentionally time and time again. Relationships should be happy for both of us if only one of us is having fun, I don't know what that is but it sure ain't love! I'm not saying bear a grudge against him I'm saying let him go YOU'RE the catch after all the bible says that thing about HE who finds a wife finds a good thing ladies YOU are the good thing please know your worth and treat yourself as such. I mean one of the ladies told me that he had given her HIV and he didn't apologize he told her to do whatever she thought was right... What did she do? All I know is she didn't protect herself from further pain, now she's getting her children outfits for his upcoming wedding, last night he spent the night at her place and they didn't use a condom, she's hoping to fall pregnant... Oh ladies:-(
I try as hard as I can to live by this, I don't think I hold grudges but sometimes like once or twice I have stopped talking to people just because I like to protect my space from ratchetness. So far I'm aware of 1 person that I don't speak to, she's "family" in that way that Africans believe that having the same surname makes us family... What was her crime? She cursed me out in Zulu. See for some reason English cuss words don't cut as deep as Zulu ones and I'm a good 9 years older than this girl and I don't care whether you're jumping off a cliff or losing your mind I don't tolerate disrespect and she never bothered to come and apologize to me, however I did text that I had forgiven her although I never want her in my space, I had to block her from fb because she would look over my page and go spread gossip about whatever she found there without fact verification, she continues to talk about me but I have told our other"family members" not to answer questions about me from her and not to inform me of whatever she says because I don't acknowledge her existence, you're well within your rights to engage ME on this one, I'm at peace. I don't define that as a grudge.
Now we get to the things that are bothering me... A few people like to reach out to me from time to time so I have to recount those stories so you know what I'm on about. The things our men do to us... Firstly its weird how we forgive and reconcile with our men for cheating on us but we hardly *never* do same with the women they participate with... Just putting that out there. Then we forgive and reconcile with the man who cheats, beats, undermines and generally undermines us time and time again, in most instances brother man is not even your husband or fiance he's just a brutha passing through your life and you allow him to drag you through the manure, only for him to leave you and you get bitter at his new woman and become his side chick... Do we not see? Where is the love there? We should forgive methinks, but we need to love as well and love does not hurt intentionally time and time again. Relationships should be happy for both of us if only one of us is having fun, I don't know what that is but it sure ain't love! I'm not saying bear a grudge against him I'm saying let him go YOU'RE the catch after all the bible says that thing about HE who finds a wife finds a good thing ladies YOU are the good thing please know your worth and treat yourself as such. I mean one of the ladies told me that he had given her HIV and he didn't apologize he told her to do whatever she thought was right... What did she do? All I know is she didn't protect herself from further pain, now she's getting her children outfits for his upcoming wedding, last night he spent the night at her place and they didn't use a condom, she's hoping to fall pregnant... Oh ladies:-(
Monday 24 November 2014
HEY YOU! errr I mean ME.
So I wrote a post waffling on about acceptance and I don't think I stressed enough the bit about self acceptance. See the primary relationship one has with any being on this Earth second to God, is with oneself. I don't like being told by a guy that he loves me unconditionally because honestly we are humans and it is in our nature to be pleasure-seekers. By that I mean when we feel cold we put on warm clothes, when we feel thirst we quench it, when we feel hunger we eat, when we have an itch duh we scratch it! So if you choose to engage me in a relationship you are looking to get your needs met and yes you may endure a modicum of discomfort depending on your tolerance levels but once that level has been exceeded its only natural for you to jump ship ergo your love/feelings for me are conditional! My love for myself however cannot be conditional because if I decide I have a gripe with myself where can I possibly run to? Therefore I must love, forgive, and accept myself every single time in every single situation. Self love does not mean I don't berate myself when I act in an unbecoming manner, it means I should acknowledge my short coming, forgive myself, make things right if I can and seek/ strive to do better next time. When I have this relationship with myself then I am whole and other people can relax around me. Then and am I ready to introduce myself to other people, knowing that I am not defined by their good/bad opinions of me. Its easy to be yourself around your kids so I will jump straight to how I would introduce ME to a lover.
I'm Joy, I'm a balanced person by that I mean I'm not moody therefore if I'm not smiling it is because something has momentarily disturbed my peace and if I'm not speaking I am probably taking a moment to work stuff out with myself I'm really good at this so the process doesn't take long. My name describes me to a tee so I'm a happy, smiley, shiny person who loves to laugh and have conversations ( you think I write well? You should hear me speak!) I talk to anybody and everybody not in that annoying doesn't shut up way, I'm more can charm a snake off a tree type, I mix well with all sections of society *even the dim ones intrigue me* my only prerequisite is respect *especially from you my potential beau*. I have to dance so whether we dance at home, at your or my friend's braai, in church, music festival, club or bar: NEVER TELL ME TO SIT DOWN! If there's music I dance never make me feel bad for doing something I love and as I told you about my amazeballs way with people, it follows that I make friends really easily people who don't know me well sometimes mistake it for flirting please believe babe it ain't flirting it's charisma. I enjoy the not so occassional tipple, for this reason I only date guys who can match or out do me drink for drink, I don't do teetotalers or guys who do fruity drinks or light weights... You better not be addicted to the stuff, because well nor am I and I no longer have a messiah complex, I will not be the one to save you *sorry I have a teenage son I can't expose him to that*. I'm not averse to cigarette/weed smoking any substance beyond these is not tolerated in my space under no circumstances! I don't do anger very well, I'm working on it but as it stands there's no telling what I will say or do when adequately provoked, someone out there has a story of me burning their clothes *I can neither confirm nor deny this assertion, don't worry your head about that he's alive isn't he?*... I am brave, I have *invisible* balls of steel after all I have survived the funerals of 2 of my children, do not test me! I'm a good cook however the more elaborate the meal, the less inclined I am to wash up. So if dirty overnight dishes get your knickers in a twist don't sulk and spoil the mood just head to the kitchen and handle the situation. I do expect you to apologize with words flowers, perfume and other nice things will be much appreciated AFTER you have said the actual words. My kids come first, I have 2 baby daddies, if I wanted them I would be with them so relax. I don't like to be cheated on, I know it's old fashioned according to today's standards so don't even begin to try the side-chick it's complicated game with me I'm 34 I don't have time to waste. My fb posts are not about you, I promise to tag you when they concern you in any way.... Oh I have been known to snoop, my skills are KGB level what can I say take it or leave it that's what's on the menu hopefully someday I can channel it into a career for now, for the love of all that is good: don't test me! The penalty for slapping or any other untoward touching is a beat down *I went to St Michael's, it's not just a girl's school it's also a street fighting academy*, swiftly followed by jail, this situation can be avoided, don't make your family hate me when I refuse to drop the charges, oh but I guess their feelings for me will no longer concern me as you and I will definitely be through at this point should you ever manhandle me, I do respect a man who has self discipline. Any questions? Tell me about you... I also love a man who knows himself
I'm Joy, I'm a balanced person by that I mean I'm not moody therefore if I'm not smiling it is because something has momentarily disturbed my peace and if I'm not speaking I am probably taking a moment to work stuff out with myself I'm really good at this so the process doesn't take long. My name describes me to a tee so I'm a happy, smiley, shiny person who loves to laugh and have conversations ( you think I write well? You should hear me speak!) I talk to anybody and everybody not in that annoying doesn't shut up way, I'm more can charm a snake off a tree type, I mix well with all sections of society *even the dim ones intrigue me* my only prerequisite is respect *especially from you my potential beau*. I have to dance so whether we dance at home, at your or my friend's braai, in church, music festival, club or bar: NEVER TELL ME TO SIT DOWN! If there's music I dance never make me feel bad for doing something I love and as I told you about my amazeballs way with people, it follows that I make friends really easily people who don't know me well sometimes mistake it for flirting please believe babe it ain't flirting it's charisma. I enjoy the not so occassional tipple, for this reason I only date guys who can match or out do me drink for drink, I don't do teetotalers or guys who do fruity drinks or light weights... You better not be addicted to the stuff, because well nor am I and I no longer have a messiah complex, I will not be the one to save you *sorry I have a teenage son I can't expose him to that*. I'm not averse to cigarette/weed smoking any substance beyond these is not tolerated in my space under no circumstances! I don't do anger very well, I'm working on it but as it stands there's no telling what I will say or do when adequately provoked, someone out there has a story of me burning their clothes *I can neither confirm nor deny this assertion, don't worry your head about that he's alive isn't he?*... I am brave, I have *invisible* balls of steel after all I have survived the funerals of 2 of my children, do not test me! I'm a good cook however the more elaborate the meal, the less inclined I am to wash up. So if dirty overnight dishes get your knickers in a twist don't sulk and spoil the mood just head to the kitchen and handle the situation. I do expect you to apologize with words flowers, perfume and other nice things will be much appreciated AFTER you have said the actual words. My kids come first, I have 2 baby daddies, if I wanted them I would be with them so relax. I don't like to be cheated on, I know it's old fashioned according to today's standards so don't even begin to try the side-chick it's complicated game with me I'm 34 I don't have time to waste. My fb posts are not about you, I promise to tag you when they concern you in any way.... Oh I have been known to snoop, my skills are KGB level what can I say take it or leave it that's what's on the menu hopefully someday I can channel it into a career for now, for the love of all that is good: don't test me! The penalty for slapping or any other untoward touching is a beat down *I went to St Michael's, it's not just a girl's school it's also a street fighting academy*, swiftly followed by jail, this situation can be avoided, don't make your family hate me when I refuse to drop the charges, oh but I guess their feelings for me will no longer concern me as you and I will definitely be through at this point should you ever manhandle me, I do respect a man who has self discipline. Any questions? Tell me about you... I also love a man who knows himself
Wednesday 19 November 2014
Can't DEAL!!!
These are the benefits of having a blog I get to rant and rave whenever I want right here! Yeah baby this is my spot and I don't have to care what you will choose to do with whatever your eyes read! No doubt I'm upset however in line with new Zen accepting me I no longer argue with people who don't have a valid point because, face it, if you can't manage your emotions and your issues you are basically fucked and if I engage you I too will be fucked.
We have discussed LIFE previously friends so we all know that all we can do is put our best foot forward and learn so that next time we improve on past less than stellar performances...
So I am an only biological child however I have cousins and relatives and adopted relations. Basically my mom and dad were 40 and 43 respectively when they had me and these were not the days of in vitro and surrogates so they were pretty much resigned to the fact that they would not be having their own child. I only appeared in 1980 and they had gotten hitched in 1974, so they had adopted a child by then and they were raising a relative's child as well.
I understand her issues with me, however I feel our parents did all they could to integrate us, none of us is guilty or at fault for the choices her birth mother made so why must our feet be constantly held to the fire? I know from all that I have been through in life that nobody is a true victim because victim means you have no true ownership in a situation and you literally have nothing to learn or grow from you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Therefore I find it hard to reconcile my birth and her issues with me when all I did was come into the world and be an answer to somebody's prayer. If anyone has an answer please reach out to me, I can't deal with her issues anymore particularly because I have my own that I have taken ownership of and am working towards healing. That'll be all for now
We have discussed LIFE previously friends so we all know that all we can do is put our best foot forward and learn so that next time we improve on past less than stellar performances...
So I am an only biological child however I have cousins and relatives and adopted relations. Basically my mom and dad were 40 and 43 respectively when they had me and these were not the days of in vitro and surrogates so they were pretty much resigned to the fact that they would not be having their own child. I only appeared in 1980 and they had gotten hitched in 1974, so they had adopted a child by then and they were raising a relative's child as well.
I understand her issues with me, however I feel our parents did all they could to integrate us, none of us is guilty or at fault for the choices her birth mother made so why must our feet be constantly held to the fire? I know from all that I have been through in life that nobody is a true victim because victim means you have no true ownership in a situation and you literally have nothing to learn or grow from you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Therefore I find it hard to reconcile my birth and her issues with me when all I did was come into the world and be an answer to somebody's prayer. If anyone has an answer please reach out to me, I can't deal with her issues anymore particularly because I have my own that I have taken ownership of and am working towards healing. That'll be all for now
Tuesday 18 November 2014
NO LADIES NO!
Women are nurturers and care givers right? If you need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or kind words 9 times out of 10 you reach out to a woman... And we do it so well! We dole out sound advice, we pray and even fast on behalf of others we spend our last dime looking out for others, our kindness to others knows no bounds so that means we know how to take care of situations right? Right... So if we can go to all these lengths for others why can't we look out for ourselves? By ourselves I mean you yourself WENA YOU reading this right now *if you're a woman, I assume*.
This rant is inspired by a frantic message I just received from a friend of a friend who has been involved with her man for 7 years and they have been engaged and living together for the past 6. When I say engaged I mean lobola has been paid all that remains is for them to take an itty bitty stroll down the aisle and for him to put a ring on it. This friend of a friend has begged, cried and pleaded with her guy but the mere mention of marriage makes him very aggressive. She has since managed her expectations and only asks for them to go and make it official at Home Affairs. He agreed 3 months ago and said they would go on a particular date. When said date arrived he found a way to worm out of honoring the promise he made... Now she's confused.
We all know what must happen right? Why is she confused? We all know why he is stalling, she does too but she chooses to believe she is confused. COME ON! How many songs must Beyonce sing about it before we get it? If a man wants you he will do all he can to get and keep you, he will literally move heaven and earth, when a man truly wants you he will beg, buy, steal or borrow anything to be with you! If he doesn't want you well, he will not bother. I think that is what Steve Harvey was trying to tell us, but because we are so good at loving and caring and nurturing others we never know when to stop and give ourselves that love and compassion. Rejection hurts I know, but just because Sipho doesn't want you is not the end of the world! You may find Vusi or Themba are better catches than Sipho anyway. Please girls before you give another iota of your love and kindness won't you please give some to yourself you deserve love, you deserve happiness, you deserve monogamy just refuse to settle PLEASE!
This rant is inspired by a frantic message I just received from a friend of a friend who has been involved with her man for 7 years and they have been engaged and living together for the past 6. When I say engaged I mean lobola has been paid all that remains is for them to take an itty bitty stroll down the aisle and for him to put a ring on it. This friend of a friend has begged, cried and pleaded with her guy but the mere mention of marriage makes him very aggressive. She has since managed her expectations and only asks for them to go and make it official at Home Affairs. He agreed 3 months ago and said they would go on a particular date. When said date arrived he found a way to worm out of honoring the promise he made... Now she's confused.
We all know what must happen right? Why is she confused? We all know why he is stalling, she does too but she chooses to believe she is confused. COME ON! How many songs must Beyonce sing about it before we get it? If a man wants you he will do all he can to get and keep you, he will literally move heaven and earth, when a man truly wants you he will beg, buy, steal or borrow anything to be with you! If he doesn't want you well, he will not bother. I think that is what Steve Harvey was trying to tell us, but because we are so good at loving and caring and nurturing others we never know when to stop and give ourselves that love and compassion. Rejection hurts I know, but just because Sipho doesn't want you is not the end of the world! You may find Vusi or Themba are better catches than Sipho anyway. Please girls before you give another iota of your love and kindness won't you please give some to yourself you deserve love, you deserve happiness, you deserve monogamy just refuse to settle PLEASE!
Saturday 15 November 2014
ACCEPT IT ALL
So I've been gone for a while. I have a lot of fixing *read feeling* to do. In African culture we are taught to stifle our feelings as a means to teach us resilience, however unexpressed emotion builds up and like anything that stays past its use-by date it rots. By and large decay is not a good thing even though it's thanks to decay that we have yeast, wine and cheese...
So I have had a few positive things happen in the last few months, most notably I have started work directing, researching, producing and scripting my own film documentary. This has been a healing opportunity because I remember a time when I was confident despite being overweight, I was okay with my body, I was active enough I could dance till dawn and I believed in my capabilities. I got knocked down and rejected many times from auditions and interviews, I didn't see the fear creep in and slowly take over. I got married to my childhood sweetheart and I don't know how he ended up being physically abusive with me. By the time I had buried my 2 babies there was nothing left of me all that remained was the fear, but I had never learned how to deal with emotions so I suppressed it. My life basically stopped working after that, there was just too much rot that the little good which tried to come in became tainted before it had a chance to have a positive impact. Look after yourself don't be afraid to feel stuff, if you have ever cleaned out a fridge or a house or anything that hasn't been aired in a while *years* cleaning it becomes that must harder but also very rewarding when the job is done and you realize that the actual work while not being sunshine and roses was less daunting and more doable than you thought... So how do we clean? Simple. ACCEPTANCE
Our first instinct whenever negative stuff comes up is to avoid, resist and suppress our feelings. For example when I got disappointed by a guy in a relationship I would never admit to being hurt, the last time I cried because of heart break was 1999, I dealt with subsequent heart breaks by drinking and falling into the next guy without pausing. I see the pattern now as when I lost my daughter in August 2010, I was already pregnant by the end of September the following month! I got divorced in 2011, December and was in a new "committed" relationship by April 2012... It had to stop, I had to stop... I had to accept the disappointment face the pain and learn from the lesson of whatever situation had presented itself! So ask yourself what it is you're avoiding? Which feelings do you not allow yourself to feel? Take deep breaths accept the way you feel don't judge yourself allow your heart to break, you won't die I promise, cry those suppressed tears, most importantly ditch blame and forgive yourself and everybody involved and you will see how freeing and stronger that will make you. I'm crying over an ex right now so pray for me too :-*
So I've been gone for a while. I have a lot of fixing *read feeling* to do. In African culture we are taught to stifle our feelings as a means to teach us resilience, however unexpressed emotion builds up and like anything that stays past its use-by date it rots. By and large decay is not a good thing even though it's thanks to decay that we have yeast, wine and cheese...
So I have had a few positive things happen in the last few months, most notably I have started work directing, researching, producing and scripting my own film documentary. This has been a healing opportunity because I remember a time when I was confident despite being overweight, I was okay with my body, I was active enough I could dance till dawn and I believed in my capabilities. I got knocked down and rejected many times from auditions and interviews, I didn't see the fear creep in and slowly take over. I got married to my childhood sweetheart and I don't know how he ended up being physically abusive with me. By the time I had buried my 2 babies there was nothing left of me all that remained was the fear, but I had never learned how to deal with emotions so I suppressed it. My life basically stopped working after that, there was just too much rot that the little good which tried to come in became tainted before it had a chance to have a positive impact. Look after yourself don't be afraid to feel stuff, if you have ever cleaned out a fridge or a house or anything that hasn't been aired in a while *years* cleaning it becomes that must harder but also very rewarding when the job is done and you realize that the actual work while not being sunshine and roses was less daunting and more doable than you thought... So how do we clean? Simple. ACCEPTANCE
Our first instinct whenever negative stuff comes up is to avoid, resist and suppress our feelings. For example when I got disappointed by a guy in a relationship I would never admit to being hurt, the last time I cried because of heart break was 1999, I dealt with subsequent heart breaks by drinking and falling into the next guy without pausing. I see the pattern now as when I lost my daughter in August 2010, I was already pregnant by the end of September the following month! I got divorced in 2011, December and was in a new "committed" relationship by April 2012... It had to stop, I had to stop... I had to accept the disappointment face the pain and learn from the lesson of whatever situation had presented itself! So ask yourself what it is you're avoiding? Which feelings do you not allow yourself to feel? Take deep breaths accept the way you feel don't judge yourself allow your heart to break, you won't die I promise, cry those suppressed tears, most importantly ditch blame and forgive yourself and everybody involved and you will see how freeing and stronger that will make you. I'm crying over an ex right now so pray for me too :-*
Tuesday 12 August 2014
It's NOT FAIR!
I can't for the life of me decide whether life is easy or not. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm here so I have to get busy living, every hour of everyday whether I feel like it or not.
The reason for my dichotomy is that I want to believe life is easy, kinda like breathing, but I have plenty evidence to the contrary. There is a popular maxim that goes 'LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT', you get out what you put in. I personally hate that maxim and for a while I made it a point to hate anyone who said it because how dare they insinuate that I ' got the deaths of my children' because of something I had "put in"??? I was a victim of life / God and just as my children would never return to me I was determined to revel in my victimhood. This brought me some semblance of solace and I spent many nights weeping never imagining that one day I would make peace with it and lead a happy productive life. For a while, I have to admit, I was addicted to the pity and as with any addiction, one can never get enough, however, (and this brings up another maxim), LIFE GOES ON. By that I mean, people get over whatever it is that ails you, and you are expected to wean yourself off the pity, get over your shit and go on. The victim in me thought this was unfair, I didn't even realize that I had progressed onto the next stage of grieving which is anger.
Anyone who knows me would never tie me to anger! My name is Joy for heavens sake and until then I was the type of person who would get upset, but never raise my voice or throw my toys out of the cot, original me was renowned for conflict avoidance and amicability. Yoh! I began slamming doors, screaming obscenities, once I nearly punched my supervisor at the place I worked at, instead I told her to leave me alone if she had any plans to spend the night with her family, after that I stormed off and left work by 11:30 am. The poor woman was so stunned all she could do by way of disciplining me was give me a written warning. That anger, I must admit, made me feel invincible. I lost many friends even worse people lost all respect for me but all I saw was my notoriety. I'm no longer that angry beast, however I know how to speak up for myself. So I suppose every cloud has a silver lining.
Am I any closer to understanding the ease or otherwise of life? Hmmm... Let me say this: LIFE IS EASIER SPELLED THAN LIVED, however it is a balance, what goes up must come down I'm not an expert of it yet, but I find it goes smoother when I just let go and surrender to whatever changes are afoot and accept what I cannot change, forgiving others is easy after I have forgiven myself, the other thing is: LIFE IS NOT FAIR but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and more human. I wish you peace as you gather the broken pieces.
The reason for my dichotomy is that I want to believe life is easy, kinda like breathing, but I have plenty evidence to the contrary. There is a popular maxim that goes 'LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT', you get out what you put in. I personally hate that maxim and for a while I made it a point to hate anyone who said it because how dare they insinuate that I ' got the deaths of my children' because of something I had "put in"??? I was a victim of life / God and just as my children would never return to me I was determined to revel in my victimhood. This brought me some semblance of solace and I spent many nights weeping never imagining that one day I would make peace with it and lead a happy productive life. For a while, I have to admit, I was addicted to the pity and as with any addiction, one can never get enough, however, (and this brings up another maxim), LIFE GOES ON. By that I mean, people get over whatever it is that ails you, and you are expected to wean yourself off the pity, get over your shit and go on. The victim in me thought this was unfair, I didn't even realize that I had progressed onto the next stage of grieving which is anger.
Anyone who knows me would never tie me to anger! My name is Joy for heavens sake and until then I was the type of person who would get upset, but never raise my voice or throw my toys out of the cot, original me was renowned for conflict avoidance and amicability. Yoh! I began slamming doors, screaming obscenities, once I nearly punched my supervisor at the place I worked at, instead I told her to leave me alone if she had any plans to spend the night with her family, after that I stormed off and left work by 11:30 am. The poor woman was so stunned all she could do by way of disciplining me was give me a written warning. That anger, I must admit, made me feel invincible. I lost many friends even worse people lost all respect for me but all I saw was my notoriety. I'm no longer that angry beast, however I know how to speak up for myself. So I suppose every cloud has a silver lining.
Am I any closer to understanding the ease or otherwise of life? Hmmm... Let me say this: LIFE IS EASIER SPELLED THAN LIVED, however it is a balance, what goes up must come down I'm not an expert of it yet, but I find it goes smoother when I just let go and surrender to whatever changes are afoot and accept what I cannot change, forgiving others is easy after I have forgiven myself, the other thing is: LIFE IS NOT FAIR but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and more human. I wish you peace as you gather the broken pieces.
Friday 8 August 2014
BIG BUT / small but?
So tomorrow 09/08 is a public holiday in South Africa called National Women's Day. This commemorates the national march of women on this day in 1956 to petition against Pass Laws (if you don't know what that is google quickly - in secret - general knowledge is a requirement for being a world citizen)!!!
Anywhooo, I began asking myself about modern womanhood. I mean here we sit in Post Colonial Africa and Post Apartheid South Africa and I smiled, a very smug, self satisfied smile after all I'm living in the Golden Age, I can vote, I can go where I want whenever I want, with whoever I choose and my skirt can be as short as I like, my jeans can be as tight as the stretchy denim will allow and I can wear pasties over my nipples and call that top! Amazing right? Well sort of...
The reality is, we do have all these freedoms and we are handling the corresponding responsibilities pretty well, BUT... I'm not sure if it's a big but or a small one, but... Are we carrying the torch our mothers passed to us in the best way we possibly can? What I'm really asking is: What is my generation's legacy.
Let me paint a picture: imagine 20 000 women of all races and ages from every corner of South Africa marching together in protest against the pass laws that required African persons to carry the "pass", special ID documents which curtailed an African's freedom of movement. On that day and I suppose on the days preceding the march, women put aside language barriers, religious beliefs, sexual orientation and saw each other as equals. Further, the pass laws actually affected African men more than the women as the men were the ones who worked in the mines and towns away from home but the women stepped out boldly risking arrest, banning and detention. They left bundles of petitions containing more than 100 000 signatures! Outside they stood silently for 30 minutes (I think that was so classy and disciplined) many carried their children on their backs and those who were working for whites as nannies brought their white charges with them! Can you imagine!!!! By the way 09/08/56 was a Thursday! These women had jobs, kids, husbands and all the other things we hide behind... AMANDLA!
Anywhooo, I began asking myself about modern womanhood. I mean here we sit in Post Colonial Africa and Post Apartheid South Africa and I smiled, a very smug, self satisfied smile after all I'm living in the Golden Age, I can vote, I can go where I want whenever I want, with whoever I choose and my skirt can be as short as I like, my jeans can be as tight as the stretchy denim will allow and I can wear pasties over my nipples and call that top! Amazing right? Well sort of...
The reality is, we do have all these freedoms and we are handling the corresponding responsibilities pretty well, BUT... I'm not sure if it's a big but or a small one, but... Are we carrying the torch our mothers passed to us in the best way we possibly can? What I'm really asking is: What is my generation's legacy.
Let me paint a picture: imagine 20 000 women of all races and ages from every corner of South Africa marching together in protest against the pass laws that required African persons to carry the "pass", special ID documents which curtailed an African's freedom of movement. On that day and I suppose on the days preceding the march, women put aside language barriers, religious beliefs, sexual orientation and saw each other as equals. Further, the pass laws actually affected African men more than the women as the men were the ones who worked in the mines and towns away from home but the women stepped out boldly risking arrest, banning and detention. They left bundles of petitions containing more than 100 000 signatures! Outside they stood silently for 30 minutes (I think that was so classy and disciplined) many carried their children on their backs and those who were working for whites as nannies brought their white charges with them! Can you imagine!!!! By the way 09/08/56 was a Thursday! These women had jobs, kids, husbands and all the other things we hide behind... AMANDLA!
Nice to meet you
ok so my name is Joy, I have an "African" name, 2 in fact, but I prefer this one only because it describes me better. My ID says I'm 34 but I feel like I'm 21 because although I have been through a lot everyday I learn more and that's what I enjoy doing. What have I been through you ask? Good question... I've been married, then divorced right now I'm not sure what my relationship status is *I promise to explain in due course*. I have attended the funerals of 2 of my children thank God though I still have 2 sons so I have learned to celebrate what is and make peace with what isn't. I'm the preacher's daughter *everything they say about us is true* but I don't believe in God because my daddy told me to I believe because I know and everyday I continue to see that the Bible isn't a story book. I've also known the humiliation of unemployment, what I learnt there is that humiliation breeds humility! I've been through other stuff but these so far have been the bazingers *thank you Sheldon Cooper*. Through this blog I aim to impart what I have learnt and allow anyone who wants to share anything they have learned to impart their insights feel free however to vent on here because sometimes we get so hemmed in by our experiences that we feel ashamed to share with people we actually know so think of me and this community as your virtual sister, mentor, friend no topic is off limits... Holla at your virtual girl!
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