Do you believe that you're powerful? Do you know how strong you truly are? Do you know that God respects your decisions? Do you know that you have a choice at all times in all situations in your life? Believe it honey because it's true! Feels good right? Until you give your power over to someone else by allowing your self to see yourself as a victim. Hold on now I'm in no way suggesting that there are no instances where we become victimized through no doing of our own like if you get raped or burglarized or murdered there you become victimized but you can choose to not become a victim. The difference is in your attitude.
We have control over ourselves, our actions, our beliefs, our attitudes and our responses to external stimuli. Any time that you look back on a situation and blame someone else for your present condition, you have officially given away your power. Now think of that person or situation that you blame and ask yourself is that really who you want to be controlling your life? What makes them better qualified at running the show than you? Is that really what you want for yourself? Does that person or situation have your best interests at heart? I hope the answer is no, if it's yes I send my sincerest condolences to you, you may as well swing by the nearest funeral parlor and pick out your coffin right now. God brought you into the world fully equipped with a state of the art device built into you called Free Will! That's why he doesn't strike you down when you behave badly, that's why he doesn't force people to love him or believe in him. If any body tells you otherwise they are lying please choose to disengage from that toxic person, they are not beneficial to you in any. Similar to people who like to control people and situations. Now I must say that I have been guilty of trying to control and force people to do things my way I admit it I take full responsibility for the consequences that followed and I am also grateful that I learnt that the "power" I thought I had or the relief I got from getting my way was short lived and ultimately false. I understand where that need to control came from and I had to seek authentic power which comes from running my own show and allowing others to be and see things the way they choose. I feel freer now and there are fewer people and situations that occupy my mind ever since I let go of the need to control and blame others for things I did or said, drunk or sober.
How do we let go you ask? Simple, just decide to, choose to, if there's an apology you need to give just do it, this can be really scary but God gave us Instant messaging and other wonderful means to get messages across the courage for face to face meetings comes with time. Acknowledge your role, the person may have some hard words to say to you don't let them dump on you and victimize you in the process, resist the urge for unnecessary arguments and justifications, the aim is to free yourself and if they choose to stay stuck with guilt trips and other manipulations don't take those on, you have done what was required of you, their happiness is not dependant on you. Similarly, if a person apologizes to you be gracious and accept in this way we all become free to be.
Monday 8 December 2014
Wednesday 3 December 2014
OUCH! it hurts!!!
The silly season is upon us, in SA we like to say"KE DEZEMBER BOSS" *pronounced •kii• •December but we joke around and make a z sound instead of the sss sound• • boss• because although we know and use the term boss appropriately its also a term of endearment for friends and people in general... Ok I suck at explaining language nuances deal with it. Its a happy time, it truly is, Spring and Summer converge and give way to each other in a beautiful way and we have clear sunny days, just when the heat becomes unbearable the heavens open up and just when you're thoroughly wet, out comes the sun again... The nights are just magical our sunsets are breathtaking and our dawns are a sight to behold, *yes Africa is blessed* for this reason we don't sleep, we party, we sit outside, we hobnob! All this is good and thoroughly enjoyable except for those who are grieving.
The word grief tends to be associated with death and rightly so because well death denotes the end. The end of life, the end of love, the end of a state of being, the end is traditionally seen as the snuffing out of hope. This leads to disappointment, depression, frustration, anger and pain. All these are normal and everyone walking the face of the earth has had an encounter with at least 1 if not all of these. They are no fun! Can we be ok with that? Can we allow ourselves and others to sit with any of these and not interrupt the process? Can we? Do we? The other thing about grief in general is that it has no expiry date. We tend to revere people who don't go "down" into the deep of these emotions and we call them strong, I don't know anybody who would be offended at being called strong it's an amazing state to aspire to. However, I think the heroes are those who allow themselves to go down into the deep dark belly of despair and feel it... I didn't say those who WALLOW I'm talking about those who allow their hearts to break, who are not afraid to cry their tears and allow themselves enough compassion to know that although it hurts now, it won't hurt always and they allow themselves to smile during the tears and be content to just breathe when the voice of confusion is shouting at the top of its nasty disempowering voice. Because they know or at least a part of them remembers that hope is never lost, it may be hidden under the rubble of the explosion caused by grief, but its waiting to be discovered at the end of those tears. And that's where the beauty of the end lies...
It ushers in the beginning! Everybody loves a happy ending and that for some situations is the beginning. Wherever you are whatever you're contending with go with it, don't fear the end, rejoice in the beginning. Yay!
The word grief tends to be associated with death and rightly so because well death denotes the end. The end of life, the end of love, the end of a state of being, the end is traditionally seen as the snuffing out of hope. This leads to disappointment, depression, frustration, anger and pain. All these are normal and everyone walking the face of the earth has had an encounter with at least 1 if not all of these. They are no fun! Can we be ok with that? Can we allow ourselves and others to sit with any of these and not interrupt the process? Can we? Do we? The other thing about grief in general is that it has no expiry date. We tend to revere people who don't go "down" into the deep of these emotions and we call them strong, I don't know anybody who would be offended at being called strong it's an amazing state to aspire to. However, I think the heroes are those who allow themselves to go down into the deep dark belly of despair and feel it... I didn't say those who WALLOW I'm talking about those who allow their hearts to break, who are not afraid to cry their tears and allow themselves enough compassion to know that although it hurts now, it won't hurt always and they allow themselves to smile during the tears and be content to just breathe when the voice of confusion is shouting at the top of its nasty disempowering voice. Because they know or at least a part of them remembers that hope is never lost, it may be hidden under the rubble of the explosion caused by grief, but its waiting to be discovered at the end of those tears. And that's where the beauty of the end lies...
It ushers in the beginning! Everybody loves a happy ending and that for some situations is the beginning. Wherever you are whatever you're contending with go with it, don't fear the end, rejoice in the beginning. Yay!
Monday 1 December 2014
The Formula for Forgiveness
Let me just say that I don't know exactly what it is that I'm getting ready to say, but writing is therapeutic and hopefully something coherent will come out of this because I have to get these things off my chest... I'm a Christian so I believe Jesus when he prescribes forgiveness 100% of the time for 100% of everything. The bible also prescribes reconciliation, I am not your pastor so I won't be giving you the verses, you can go check google if you don't have a bible or roll your eyes if you're an atheist: my blog my words - I digress... Anyway Paul's formula is go make things right with the person first and if they apologize accept it and go on your merry way. Paul wasn't the Messiah so he knew how fucked up people can be so he said if the person pisses you off further regarding the same issue THEN you can invite someone else *elders of the church he said* and they can hear both sides and hopefully broker peace... Sometimes this works sometimes it doesn't, some people's fucked-upness knows no bounds so if they still refuse to see the light then you're free to dismiss the person and have no further dealings with them, no it doesn't say nurse a grudge, just stay out of each others way.
I try as hard as I can to live by this, I don't think I hold grudges but sometimes like once or twice I have stopped talking to people just because I like to protect my space from ratchetness. So far I'm aware of 1 person that I don't speak to, she's "family" in that way that Africans believe that having the same surname makes us family... What was her crime? She cursed me out in Zulu. See for some reason English cuss words don't cut as deep as Zulu ones and I'm a good 9 years older than this girl and I don't care whether you're jumping off a cliff or losing your mind I don't tolerate disrespect and she never bothered to come and apologize to me, however I did text that I had forgiven her although I never want her in my space, I had to block her from fb because she would look over my page and go spread gossip about whatever she found there without fact verification, she continues to talk about me but I have told our other"family members" not to answer questions about me from her and not to inform me of whatever she says because I don't acknowledge her existence, you're well within your rights to engage ME on this one, I'm at peace. I don't define that as a grudge.
Now we get to the things that are bothering me... A few people like to reach out to me from time to time so I have to recount those stories so you know what I'm on about. The things our men do to us... Firstly its weird how we forgive and reconcile with our men for cheating on us but we hardly *never* do same with the women they participate with... Just putting that out there. Then we forgive and reconcile with the man who cheats, beats, undermines and generally undermines us time and time again, in most instances brother man is not even your husband or fiance he's just a brutha passing through your life and you allow him to drag you through the manure, only for him to leave you and you get bitter at his new woman and become his side chick... Do we not see? Where is the love there? We should forgive methinks, but we need to love as well and love does not hurt intentionally time and time again. Relationships should be happy for both of us if only one of us is having fun, I don't know what that is but it sure ain't love! I'm not saying bear a grudge against him I'm saying let him go YOU'RE the catch after all the bible says that thing about HE who finds a wife finds a good thing ladies YOU are the good thing please know your worth and treat yourself as such. I mean one of the ladies told me that he had given her HIV and he didn't apologize he told her to do whatever she thought was right... What did she do? All I know is she didn't protect herself from further pain, now she's getting her children outfits for his upcoming wedding, last night he spent the night at her place and they didn't use a condom, she's hoping to fall pregnant... Oh ladies:-(
I try as hard as I can to live by this, I don't think I hold grudges but sometimes like once or twice I have stopped talking to people just because I like to protect my space from ratchetness. So far I'm aware of 1 person that I don't speak to, she's "family" in that way that Africans believe that having the same surname makes us family... What was her crime? She cursed me out in Zulu. See for some reason English cuss words don't cut as deep as Zulu ones and I'm a good 9 years older than this girl and I don't care whether you're jumping off a cliff or losing your mind I don't tolerate disrespect and she never bothered to come and apologize to me, however I did text that I had forgiven her although I never want her in my space, I had to block her from fb because she would look over my page and go spread gossip about whatever she found there without fact verification, she continues to talk about me but I have told our other"family members" not to answer questions about me from her and not to inform me of whatever she says because I don't acknowledge her existence, you're well within your rights to engage ME on this one, I'm at peace. I don't define that as a grudge.
Now we get to the things that are bothering me... A few people like to reach out to me from time to time so I have to recount those stories so you know what I'm on about. The things our men do to us... Firstly its weird how we forgive and reconcile with our men for cheating on us but we hardly *never* do same with the women they participate with... Just putting that out there. Then we forgive and reconcile with the man who cheats, beats, undermines and generally undermines us time and time again, in most instances brother man is not even your husband or fiance he's just a brutha passing through your life and you allow him to drag you through the manure, only for him to leave you and you get bitter at his new woman and become his side chick... Do we not see? Where is the love there? We should forgive methinks, but we need to love as well and love does not hurt intentionally time and time again. Relationships should be happy for both of us if only one of us is having fun, I don't know what that is but it sure ain't love! I'm not saying bear a grudge against him I'm saying let him go YOU'RE the catch after all the bible says that thing about HE who finds a wife finds a good thing ladies YOU are the good thing please know your worth and treat yourself as such. I mean one of the ladies told me that he had given her HIV and he didn't apologize he told her to do whatever she thought was right... What did she do? All I know is she didn't protect herself from further pain, now she's getting her children outfits for his upcoming wedding, last night he spent the night at her place and they didn't use a condom, she's hoping to fall pregnant... Oh ladies:-(
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