Tonight in this space of questionable sobriety I'm grateful. I'm grateful for not having all the answers because my journey has taught me the power of letting go. I don't think of myself as a control freak, I'm not one of those A type personality type people my default setting is angst cleverly disguised as amicability. People who deal with me need not panic: I enjoy being the diplomatic non threatening fat girl I'm not planning to change and I have no hidden nefarious intentions - rocking the boat is not even on my agenda - I'm just doing the mandatory self audit, that's my secret... that's how I maintain my awesome "don't give a shit/fuck" attitude that you and indeed I have come to love so much. Read Invictus. I explained myself in that other post detailing the deaths of my babies and the divorce. I try to not allow those things define me but they were so decidedly fucked up * sorry I'm not a fan of profanity for profanity's sake but in spite of my best efforts I haven't found better words to describe that chapter* that I could not possibly reintegrate myself to society as a "normal" human being. My faults and failings simply refuse to stay hidden. Sometimes I wish they would. I'm lying. I thoroughly enjoy who I am now. I enjoy that I learned the power of CALM even when I don't seem so I like that I can apologise when I catch myself mid rage because I've noticed that THAT is a super power. I'm self aware. Oh gosh am I sounding self righteous? I hope not! My intention is to exhibit my awareness of myself. I'm aware that the only thing in this great big wide world that I have control over is my SELF. Maybe that should be one word mySELF. ME. Because just as much as everything and everybody else matters: I do too. Is my life perfect? Not right now. Should you emulate me? Noooooooo! Be you. Control and monitor you. You would be surprised at how much energy monitoring Self takes. It literally leaves zero room for monitoring and evaluating others. I'm such a mess I can't even decide where to start the next paragraph . Google Invictus. Read The Desiderata. I could edit and polish this post but I don't feel like being clever and witty, sorry for disappointing you I feel like dropping the mic now so I'm not even going to end this post with a full stop 😝 happy Self Auditing
