Oopsy Daisy!

Hey sweetie how are you today? Good I hope because today I feel like getting real with myself and you get to sit and watch *read* me do it. Now the same rule as all other posts applies: DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU GOSSIPING this is not rumor-mill fodder its heal-your -heart fodder because we wanna be beautiful which is a function of what's happening inside of us. Ok? Cool.

I haven't reached the point where I automatically love and forgive myself after I make a mistake. My instinct is still to beat myself up, berate, dress down and generally self destruct after I mess up. To my credit however, the beat down doesn't last forever as it used to my inner Joy who no longer puts up with unpleasantness quickly rushes to my aid with compassion *for myself, yes I'm worthy* , love *I deserve that too* and understanding *my favorite one*. Then Inner Joy asks me to sit still and acknowledge my feelings no matter how irrational and to ask the Holy Spirit or whoever you believe goes with you what the lesson is / was *old stuff still comes up from time to time*. Y'all know how sneaky the Holy Spirit is, sometimes the answer will be in the lyrics of a song, a line from a movie, a tag-line from an advert sometimes even a conversation that I over hear. I love that guy, he's so unpredictable! And in that instant I am able to laugh about my mistake, atone for it if there's a need, apologize even to those I feel don't deserve it and GROW from it. See, the mistake is a good thing its an opportunity to grow, the trick is to learn from it. So I can forgive myself for dating that guy who was on drugs, I can forgive myself for the divorce, I can even forgive myself for putting that guy ahead of my career, that girl I called all sorts of unpleasant things, anything you want to accuse or judge me of, the 2 baby daddies you can call me a whore if you like: I'm not. This embracing of mistakes is so freeing! I still believe in love, I deserve to love and be loved even to be married and you can count that I have given birth 4 times and guess what: I still wanna have a baby girl, twin girls with my husband *I do wanna get married again because love rocks and I believe in marriage whole-heartedly*. See! What else can you say of me? Nothing. I own it! I own it all, and I strive now to do better and that makes me feel better ergo I'm on an upward trajectory of better-ness. Will I make more mistakes? Hell yeah, there's 1 I'm in the process of cleaning up right now ( someone I ought to forgive but I don't want to yet kinda situation) , I'm leaving for Johannesburg in a few days I'm probably gonna make a few there *nothing intentional or malicious, its just Valentines day / my BFF's party and my new Tingz, anything can happen*. I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna grow it's gonna be awesome! Luv you!!!!

Amazeballs Maturity

Happy 2015 err'body! On my mind today is the beauty of friendships, I have so many purely because I have been alive for so many years that some need to be elevated to the status of SISTASHIPS. It has been a long held dream of mine to coin a phrase, I don't know if this is it but I'm sure you understand that today I am excited about the super deep super long and as a result super intimate relationships I have formed with certain women I have met on my life's journey. I'm an only child, so one of the things I struggle with in life is forming bonds with people.

The thing is loneliness doesn't bother me. No wait, ALONE-NESS doesn't bother me. I enjoy being alone with my thoughts in fact I'm alone in a park somewhere right now... Loneliness however is that craving for quality company and when I think about it that's what has bothered me since I was yay high. That's probably why I have so many people I call friend. I don't do people who say they have none because since I have known God he has been churning out new people every single day by the thousands, in fact Norah Jones says there are 9 million bicycles in Beijing! Imagine how many people on the planet that is! Amazeballs indeed.

The subjects of friendships is on my mind today because its truly astounding that a person who owes you absolutely nothing can decide to link themselves with you and be prepared to withstand your quirks, your stupidity, your scandalous-ness and your downright ratchetness. And you willingly withstand theirs.

I am not a good friend in the classical sense of the word: I mean I'm a good person *most of the time* but my life experience hasn't been such that I can drop everything to be at my friend's side when shit hits the fan because: Geography and there was that time when I was financially dependant on some one whose priorities were not mine but some of my Sistaships withstood all that. There are funerals and weddings that I haven't attended for whatever reason but these girls love me still! That's beautiful. Cherish your sisterships and friendships, you never know who your potential sister-friend may be so how about we get rid of the PHD *pull her down* syndrome in 2015? Think long and hard before you shaft a sista...