ACCEPT IT ALL

So I've been gone for a while. I have a lot of fixing *read feeling* to do. In African culture we are taught to stifle our feelings as a means to teach us resilience, however unexpressed emotion builds up and like anything that stays past its use-by date it rots. By and large decay is not a good thing even though it's thanks to decay that we have yeast, wine and cheese...

So I have had a few positive things happen in the last few months, most notably I have started work directing, researching, producing and scripting my own film documentary. This has been a healing opportunity because I remember a time when I was confident despite being overweight, I was okay with my body, I was active enough I could dance till dawn and I believed in my capabilities. I got knocked down and rejected many times from auditions and interviews, I didn't see the fear creep in and slowly take over. I got married to my childhood sweetheart and I don't know how he ended up being physically abusive with me. By the time I had buried my 2 babies there was nothing left of me all that remained was the fear, but I had never learned how to deal with emotions so I suppressed it. My life basically stopped working after that, there was just too much rot that the little good which tried to come in became tainted before it had a chance to have a positive impact. Look after yourself don't be afraid to feel stuff, if you have ever cleaned out a fridge or a house or anything that hasn't been aired in a while *years* cleaning it becomes that must harder but also very rewarding when the job is done and you realize that the actual work while not being sunshine and roses was less daunting and more doable than you thought... So how do we clean? Simple. ACCEPTANCE

Our first instinct whenever negative stuff comes up is to avoid, resist and suppress our feelings. For example when I got disappointed by a guy in a relationship I would never admit to being hurt, the last time I cried because of heart break was 1999, I dealt with subsequent heart breaks by drinking and falling into the next guy without pausing. I see the pattern now as when I lost my daughter in August 2010, I was already pregnant by the end of September the following month! I got divorced in 2011, December and was in a new "committed" relationship by April 2012... It had to stop, I had to stop... I had to accept the disappointment face the pain and learn from the lesson of whatever situation had presented itself! So ask yourself what it is you're avoiding? Which feelings do you not allow yourself to feel? Take deep breaths accept the way you feel don't judge yourself allow your heart to break, you won't die I promise, cry those suppressed tears, most importantly ditch blame and forgive yourself and everybody involved and you will see how freeing and stronger that will make you. I'm crying over an ex right now so pray for me too :-*