So I wrote a post waffling on about acceptance and I don't think I stressed enough the bit about self acceptance. See the primary relationship one has with any being on this Earth second to God, is with oneself. I don't like being told by a guy that he loves me unconditionally because honestly we are humans and it is in our nature to be pleasure-seekers. By that I mean when we feel cold we put on warm clothes, when we feel thirst we quench it, when we feel hunger we eat, when we have an itch duh we scratch it! So if you choose to engage me in a relationship you are looking to get your needs met and yes you may endure a modicum of discomfort depending on your tolerance levels but once that level has been exceeded its only natural for you to jump ship ergo your love/feelings for me are conditional! My love for myself however cannot be conditional because if I decide I have a gripe with myself where can I possibly run to? Therefore I must love, forgive, and accept myself every single time in every single situation. Self love does not mean I don't berate myself when I act in an unbecoming manner, it means I should acknowledge my short coming, forgive myself, make things right if I can and seek/ strive to do better next time. When I have this relationship with myself then I am whole and other people can relax around me. Then and am I ready to introduce myself to other people, knowing that I am not defined by their good/bad opinions of me. Its easy to be yourself around your kids so I will jump straight to how I would introduce ME to a lover.
I'm Joy, I'm a balanced person by that I mean I'm not moody therefore if I'm not smiling it is because something has momentarily disturbed my peace and if I'm not speaking I am probably taking a moment to work stuff out with myself I'm really good at this so the process doesn't take long. My name describes me to a tee so I'm a happy, smiley, shiny person who loves to laugh and have conversations ( you think I write well? You should hear me speak!) I talk to anybody and everybody not in that annoying doesn't shut up way, I'm more can charm a snake off a tree type, I mix well with all sections of society *even the dim ones intrigue me* my only prerequisite is respect *especially from you my potential beau*. I have to dance so whether we dance at home, at your or my friend's braai, in church, music festival, club or bar: NEVER TELL ME TO SIT DOWN! If there's music I dance never make me feel bad for doing something I love and as I told you about my amazeballs way with people, it follows that I make friends really easily people who don't know me well sometimes mistake it for flirting please believe babe it ain't flirting it's charisma. I enjoy the not so occassional tipple, for this reason I only date guys who can match or out do me drink for drink, I don't do teetotalers or guys who do fruity drinks or light weights... You better not be addicted to the stuff, because well nor am I and I no longer have a messiah complex, I will not be the one to save you *sorry I have a teenage son I can't expose him to that*. I'm not averse to cigarette/weed smoking any substance beyond these is not tolerated in my space under no circumstances! I don't do anger very well, I'm working on it but as it stands there's no telling what I will say or do when adequately provoked, someone out there has a story of me burning their clothes *I can neither confirm nor deny this assertion, don't worry your head about that he's alive isn't he?*... I am brave, I have *invisible* balls of steel after all I have survived the funerals of 2 of my children, do not test me! I'm a good cook however the more elaborate the meal, the less inclined I am to wash up. So if dirty overnight dishes get your knickers in a twist don't sulk and spoil the mood just head to the kitchen and handle the situation. I do expect you to apologize with words flowers, perfume and other nice things will be much appreciated AFTER you have said the actual words. My kids come first, I have 2 baby daddies, if I wanted them I would be with them so relax. I don't like to be cheated on, I know it's old fashioned according to today's standards so don't even begin to try the side-chick it's complicated game with me I'm 34 I don't have time to waste. My fb posts are not about you, I promise to tag you when they concern you in any way.... Oh I have been known to snoop, my skills are KGB level what can I say take it or leave it that's what's on the menu hopefully someday I can channel it into a career for now, for the love of all that is good: don't test me! The penalty for slapping or any other untoward touching is a beat down *I went to St Michael's, it's not just a girl's school it's also a street fighting academy*, swiftly followed by jail, this situation can be avoided, don't make your family hate me when I refuse to drop the charges, oh but I guess their feelings for me will no longer concern me as you and I will definitely be through at this point should you ever manhandle me, I do respect a man who has self discipline. Any questions? Tell me about you... I also love a man who knows himself
Monday 24 November 2014
Wednesday 19 November 2014
Can't DEAL!!!
These are the benefits of having a blog I get to rant and rave whenever I want right here! Yeah baby this is my spot and I don't have to care what you will choose to do with whatever your eyes read! No doubt I'm upset however in line with new Zen accepting me I no longer argue with people who don't have a valid point because, face it, if you can't manage your emotions and your issues you are basically fucked and if I engage you I too will be fucked.
We have discussed LIFE previously friends so we all know that all we can do is put our best foot forward and learn so that next time we improve on past less than stellar performances...
So I am an only biological child however I have cousins and relatives and adopted relations. Basically my mom and dad were 40 and 43 respectively when they had me and these were not the days of in vitro and surrogates so they were pretty much resigned to the fact that they would not be having their own child. I only appeared in 1980 and they had gotten hitched in 1974, so they had adopted a child by then and they were raising a relative's child as well.
I understand her issues with me, however I feel our parents did all they could to integrate us, none of us is guilty or at fault for the choices her birth mother made so why must our feet be constantly held to the fire? I know from all that I have been through in life that nobody is a true victim because victim means you have no true ownership in a situation and you literally have nothing to learn or grow from you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Therefore I find it hard to reconcile my birth and her issues with me when all I did was come into the world and be an answer to somebody's prayer. If anyone has an answer please reach out to me, I can't deal with her issues anymore particularly because I have my own that I have taken ownership of and am working towards healing. That'll be all for now
We have discussed LIFE previously friends so we all know that all we can do is put our best foot forward and learn so that next time we improve on past less than stellar performances...
So I am an only biological child however I have cousins and relatives and adopted relations. Basically my mom and dad were 40 and 43 respectively when they had me and these were not the days of in vitro and surrogates so they were pretty much resigned to the fact that they would not be having their own child. I only appeared in 1980 and they had gotten hitched in 1974, so they had adopted a child by then and they were raising a relative's child as well.
I understand her issues with me, however I feel our parents did all they could to integrate us, none of us is guilty or at fault for the choices her birth mother made so why must our feet be constantly held to the fire? I know from all that I have been through in life that nobody is a true victim because victim means you have no true ownership in a situation and you literally have nothing to learn or grow from you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Therefore I find it hard to reconcile my birth and her issues with me when all I did was come into the world and be an answer to somebody's prayer. If anyone has an answer please reach out to me, I can't deal with her issues anymore particularly because I have my own that I have taken ownership of and am working towards healing. That'll be all for now
Tuesday 18 November 2014
NO LADIES NO!
Women are nurturers and care givers right? If you need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or kind words 9 times out of 10 you reach out to a woman... And we do it so well! We dole out sound advice, we pray and even fast on behalf of others we spend our last dime looking out for others, our kindness to others knows no bounds so that means we know how to take care of situations right? Right... So if we can go to all these lengths for others why can't we look out for ourselves? By ourselves I mean you yourself WENA YOU reading this right now *if you're a woman, I assume*.
This rant is inspired by a frantic message I just received from a friend of a friend who has been involved with her man for 7 years and they have been engaged and living together for the past 6. When I say engaged I mean lobola has been paid all that remains is for them to take an itty bitty stroll down the aisle and for him to put a ring on it. This friend of a friend has begged, cried and pleaded with her guy but the mere mention of marriage makes him very aggressive. She has since managed her expectations and only asks for them to go and make it official at Home Affairs. He agreed 3 months ago and said they would go on a particular date. When said date arrived he found a way to worm out of honoring the promise he made... Now she's confused.
We all know what must happen right? Why is she confused? We all know why he is stalling, she does too but she chooses to believe she is confused. COME ON! How many songs must Beyonce sing about it before we get it? If a man wants you he will do all he can to get and keep you, he will literally move heaven and earth, when a man truly wants you he will beg, buy, steal or borrow anything to be with you! If he doesn't want you well, he will not bother. I think that is what Steve Harvey was trying to tell us, but because we are so good at loving and caring and nurturing others we never know when to stop and give ourselves that love and compassion. Rejection hurts I know, but just because Sipho doesn't want you is not the end of the world! You may find Vusi or Themba are better catches than Sipho anyway. Please girls before you give another iota of your love and kindness won't you please give some to yourself you deserve love, you deserve happiness, you deserve monogamy just refuse to settle PLEASE!
This rant is inspired by a frantic message I just received from a friend of a friend who has been involved with her man for 7 years and they have been engaged and living together for the past 6. When I say engaged I mean lobola has been paid all that remains is for them to take an itty bitty stroll down the aisle and for him to put a ring on it. This friend of a friend has begged, cried and pleaded with her guy but the mere mention of marriage makes him very aggressive. She has since managed her expectations and only asks for them to go and make it official at Home Affairs. He agreed 3 months ago and said they would go on a particular date. When said date arrived he found a way to worm out of honoring the promise he made... Now she's confused.
We all know what must happen right? Why is she confused? We all know why he is stalling, she does too but she chooses to believe she is confused. COME ON! How many songs must Beyonce sing about it before we get it? If a man wants you he will do all he can to get and keep you, he will literally move heaven and earth, when a man truly wants you he will beg, buy, steal or borrow anything to be with you! If he doesn't want you well, he will not bother. I think that is what Steve Harvey was trying to tell us, but because we are so good at loving and caring and nurturing others we never know when to stop and give ourselves that love and compassion. Rejection hurts I know, but just because Sipho doesn't want you is not the end of the world! You may find Vusi or Themba are better catches than Sipho anyway. Please girls before you give another iota of your love and kindness won't you please give some to yourself you deserve love, you deserve happiness, you deserve monogamy just refuse to settle PLEASE!
Saturday 15 November 2014
ACCEPT IT ALL
So I've been gone for a while. I have a lot of fixing *read feeling* to do. In African culture we are taught to stifle our feelings as a means to teach us resilience, however unexpressed emotion builds up and like anything that stays past its use-by date it rots. By and large decay is not a good thing even though it's thanks to decay that we have yeast, wine and cheese...
So I have had a few positive things happen in the last few months, most notably I have started work directing, researching, producing and scripting my own film documentary. This has been a healing opportunity because I remember a time when I was confident despite being overweight, I was okay with my body, I was active enough I could dance till dawn and I believed in my capabilities. I got knocked down and rejected many times from auditions and interviews, I didn't see the fear creep in and slowly take over. I got married to my childhood sweetheart and I don't know how he ended up being physically abusive with me. By the time I had buried my 2 babies there was nothing left of me all that remained was the fear, but I had never learned how to deal with emotions so I suppressed it. My life basically stopped working after that, there was just too much rot that the little good which tried to come in became tainted before it had a chance to have a positive impact. Look after yourself don't be afraid to feel stuff, if you have ever cleaned out a fridge or a house or anything that hasn't been aired in a while *years* cleaning it becomes that must harder but also very rewarding when the job is done and you realize that the actual work while not being sunshine and roses was less daunting and more doable than you thought... So how do we clean? Simple. ACCEPTANCE
Our first instinct whenever negative stuff comes up is to avoid, resist and suppress our feelings. For example when I got disappointed by a guy in a relationship I would never admit to being hurt, the last time I cried because of heart break was 1999, I dealt with subsequent heart breaks by drinking and falling into the next guy without pausing. I see the pattern now as when I lost my daughter in August 2010, I was already pregnant by the end of September the following month! I got divorced in 2011, December and was in a new "committed" relationship by April 2012... It had to stop, I had to stop... I had to accept the disappointment face the pain and learn from the lesson of whatever situation had presented itself! So ask yourself what it is you're avoiding? Which feelings do you not allow yourself to feel? Take deep breaths accept the way you feel don't judge yourself allow your heart to break, you won't die I promise, cry those suppressed tears, most importantly ditch blame and forgive yourself and everybody involved and you will see how freeing and stronger that will make you. I'm crying over an ex right now so pray for me too :-*
So I've been gone for a while. I have a lot of fixing *read feeling* to do. In African culture we are taught to stifle our feelings as a means to teach us resilience, however unexpressed emotion builds up and like anything that stays past its use-by date it rots. By and large decay is not a good thing even though it's thanks to decay that we have yeast, wine and cheese...
So I have had a few positive things happen in the last few months, most notably I have started work directing, researching, producing and scripting my own film documentary. This has been a healing opportunity because I remember a time when I was confident despite being overweight, I was okay with my body, I was active enough I could dance till dawn and I believed in my capabilities. I got knocked down and rejected many times from auditions and interviews, I didn't see the fear creep in and slowly take over. I got married to my childhood sweetheart and I don't know how he ended up being physically abusive with me. By the time I had buried my 2 babies there was nothing left of me all that remained was the fear, but I had never learned how to deal with emotions so I suppressed it. My life basically stopped working after that, there was just too much rot that the little good which tried to come in became tainted before it had a chance to have a positive impact. Look after yourself don't be afraid to feel stuff, if you have ever cleaned out a fridge or a house or anything that hasn't been aired in a while *years* cleaning it becomes that must harder but also very rewarding when the job is done and you realize that the actual work while not being sunshine and roses was less daunting and more doable than you thought... So how do we clean? Simple. ACCEPTANCE
Our first instinct whenever negative stuff comes up is to avoid, resist and suppress our feelings. For example when I got disappointed by a guy in a relationship I would never admit to being hurt, the last time I cried because of heart break was 1999, I dealt with subsequent heart breaks by drinking and falling into the next guy without pausing. I see the pattern now as when I lost my daughter in August 2010, I was already pregnant by the end of September the following month! I got divorced in 2011, December and was in a new "committed" relationship by April 2012... It had to stop, I had to stop... I had to accept the disappointment face the pain and learn from the lesson of whatever situation had presented itself! So ask yourself what it is you're avoiding? Which feelings do you not allow yourself to feel? Take deep breaths accept the way you feel don't judge yourself allow your heart to break, you won't die I promise, cry those suppressed tears, most importantly ditch blame and forgive yourself and everybody involved and you will see how freeing and stronger that will make you. I'm crying over an ex right now so pray for me too :-*
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