Stop it now...

Jealousy or Envy * I don't know the difference * is called the green eyed MONSTER for a reason. I've never actually seen a monster and I don't watch very much sci- fi and horror but from nursery school rhymes and books, monsters are generally not the kind of things you want lurking around. Understand this your mind and heart are the 2 most important organs in your body physically and spirituality. And you need to guard them as you would your house, your car or your kids. So... Imagine a monster, an ugly gory one and think of how many people or situations that you are currently jealous of or speaking negatively of. Be honest, I mean, the girl you went to high school with who wasn't *in your opinion* particularly beautiful who is now married to that hot rich guy? What do you think of her? What do you and your friends say about her after a few glasses of wine? The girl who doesn't have a degree who now has a cushy job that you would love to have? What do you think of her? Do you celebrate them or do you look for the negatives and focus on those? Every time you feel that pang of jealousy arise in you, every time you deem someone unworthy of any good in their lives you feed an ugly monster in your heart and in your mind! Every time you speak negatively about a person you make that monster bigger and stronger especially when you form friendships based on the mutual hate of a person: all you and your new friend do is sit around feeding monsters... Its fun in the beginning, but have you noticed how those types of friendships never a) last and b) end well? Thats because you can only feed a monster so much before it turns on you and you become its prey. You see all prayers are answered sometimes directly sometimes indirectly and God or The Universe is ALWAYS watching and listening to us, not just when we get into prayerful postures, so what we say when we are actually "praying" and when we are not is all prayer! So if you want things to be well with you, you need to wish your fellow man well. Have you ever wished / prayed for a thing and suddenly you find that everyone has it but you? Then you have a choice of either to hate everyone who has what you want and feed the monster and the more you spend time with the monster the less your chances of ever getting that thing become. Or you get that thing and it brings you absolutely no joy... That's the monster eating you up because you entertained it and now you have to constantly feed it! Or have you ever complimented someone on a pair of earrings or shoes and they respond by giving that item to you sometimes without you even having to ask? Which scenario would you like more of in your life? Ok sho love you bye

L.O.V.E.

I'm sure I have told the story of the passing of my babies somewhere on this blog. If I haven't sorry I'm too happy to discuss it today. What I will say is that those 2 incidents were the worst and best things that have ever happened to me. Would I do it again? NO I would take the lessons any day and nix the actual occurences. What did learn? Oooh thank you for asking that's my favorite question to answer.

Well, I learned God. I didn't learn ABOUT him I learned HIM/HER/IT/WE/US what ever how ever you define God *trust me you do* that's lesson 1. I haven't mastered it yet because God is everything in everything to everyone. Make sense? I hope so. If not pick up that gem of a book by Neale Donald Walsch Conversations With God 1, 2, or 3 same difference God will direct you to the perfect one for you where you and he will, with your consent of course, rediscover just how intimately interlocked and enmeshed you are. Side bar - if the Creator of this whole thing we call life respects you to the point of requiring your consent to introduce himself to you do you see how valuable you are? How beautiful must you be that the God who paints sunsets and seashores wants nothing more than to converse with you? You reading this right now to him *I prefer to think of him as a dude because I love dudes* you're perfect, your big bum, knocked knees, cankles, acne blemished skin, unemployed, uneducated, can't find or keep a man or woman, dead end job, HIV positive, broke self is just beautiful to him for reasons best known to him which he will reveal to you if you let him. Everything you have been through everything you are going through now and everything that is still going to come your way is right and those tears that anger ,mistrust ,betrayal, grief, shame ugh whatever it is that is plaguing you I ask you to turn it over to him right now no ceremony or special words needed he is so informal he's worse than white people wearing shorts and flip flops to church... I digress.
God was lesson 1. Lesson 2: LOVE!!! I wasn't a particularly sour person to begin with but I did have a bitchy side, I didn't think it was that bad but I had still possibly do have the ability to cut with my words. I saw this over the weekend where I had the best Valentines day ever celebrating my bff's birthday. I saw people I hadn't seen in a while and we were swimming in those boozy bottles and our lips got loose. I love loose lips the best conversations happen I live for epic conversations because I love people. The stories of despicable things I had said to them were outrageous! But we laughed we hugged we danced we all left uplifted that's love. I still diss everyone and everything but its Sassy now no longer bitchy although I still have a quick temper, I love and accept myself and then they say I'm glowing (one of my favorite compliments to receive) and my only secret is love. Open your heart you'll be glad you did. Love enabled my friends to tease me mercilessly (those girls are hilarious) about that guy who was supposed to be my date but dropped me with the lamest excuse ever. Rejection has never been so funny... See how powerful love is? Few hours later I had another BETTER date hotness, manners and all! OMG!

This post is like that thing Jesus said when they asked him about the most important commandment!!!! I'll just polish my halo thank you very much I LOVE YOU thank you for reading go kiss somebody, sing your favorite song its life darling none of us makes it out alive!

Oopsy Daisy!

Hey sweetie how are you today? Good I hope because today I feel like getting real with myself and you get to sit and watch *read* me do it. Now the same rule as all other posts applies: DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU GOSSIPING this is not rumor-mill fodder its heal-your -heart fodder because we wanna be beautiful which is a function of what's happening inside of us. Ok? Cool.

I haven't reached the point where I automatically love and forgive myself after I make a mistake. My instinct is still to beat myself up, berate, dress down and generally self destruct after I mess up. To my credit however, the beat down doesn't last forever as it used to my inner Joy who no longer puts up with unpleasantness quickly rushes to my aid with compassion *for myself, yes I'm worthy* , love *I deserve that too* and understanding *my favorite one*. Then Inner Joy asks me to sit still and acknowledge my feelings no matter how irrational and to ask the Holy Spirit or whoever you believe goes with you what the lesson is / was *old stuff still comes up from time to time*. Y'all know how sneaky the Holy Spirit is, sometimes the answer will be in the lyrics of a song, a line from a movie, a tag-line from an advert sometimes even a conversation that I over hear. I love that guy, he's so unpredictable! And in that instant I am able to laugh about my mistake, atone for it if there's a need, apologize even to those I feel don't deserve it and GROW from it. See, the mistake is a good thing its an opportunity to grow, the trick is to learn from it. So I can forgive myself for dating that guy who was on drugs, I can forgive myself for the divorce, I can even forgive myself for putting that guy ahead of my career, that girl I called all sorts of unpleasant things, anything you want to accuse or judge me of, the 2 baby daddies you can call me a whore if you like: I'm not. This embracing of mistakes is so freeing! I still believe in love, I deserve to love and be loved even to be married and you can count that I have given birth 4 times and guess what: I still wanna have a baby girl, twin girls with my husband *I do wanna get married again because love rocks and I believe in marriage whole-heartedly*. See! What else can you say of me? Nothing. I own it! I own it all, and I strive now to do better and that makes me feel better ergo I'm on an upward trajectory of better-ness. Will I make more mistakes? Hell yeah, there's 1 I'm in the process of cleaning up right now ( someone I ought to forgive but I don't want to yet kinda situation) , I'm leaving for Johannesburg in a few days I'm probably gonna make a few there *nothing intentional or malicious, its just Valentines day / my BFF's party and my new Tingz, anything can happen*. I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna grow it's gonna be awesome! Luv you!!!!

Amazeballs Maturity

Happy 2015 err'body! On my mind today is the beauty of friendships, I have so many purely because I have been alive for so many years that some need to be elevated to the status of SISTASHIPS. It has been a long held dream of mine to coin a phrase, I don't know if this is it but I'm sure you understand that today I am excited about the super deep super long and as a result super intimate relationships I have formed with certain women I have met on my life's journey. I'm an only child, so one of the things I struggle with in life is forming bonds with people.

The thing is loneliness doesn't bother me. No wait, ALONE-NESS doesn't bother me. I enjoy being alone with my thoughts in fact I'm alone in a park somewhere right now... Loneliness however is that craving for quality company and when I think about it that's what has bothered me since I was yay high. That's probably why I have so many people I call friend. I don't do people who say they have none because since I have known God he has been churning out new people every single day by the thousands, in fact Norah Jones says there are 9 million bicycles in Beijing! Imagine how many people on the planet that is! Amazeballs indeed.

The subjects of friendships is on my mind today because its truly astounding that a person who owes you absolutely nothing can decide to link themselves with you and be prepared to withstand your quirks, your stupidity, your scandalous-ness and your downright ratchetness. And you willingly withstand theirs.

I am not a good friend in the classical sense of the word: I mean I'm a good person *most of the time* but my life experience hasn't been such that I can drop everything to be at my friend's side when shit hits the fan because: Geography and there was that time when I was financially dependant on some one whose priorities were not mine but some of my Sistaships withstood all that. There are funerals and weddings that I haven't attended for whatever reason but these girls love me still! That's beautiful. Cherish your sisterships and friendships, you never know who your potential sister-friend may be so how about we get rid of the PHD *pull her down* syndrome in 2015? Think long and hard before you shaft a sista...