I can't for the life of me decide whether life is easy or not. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm here so I have to get busy living, every hour of everyday whether I feel like it or not.
The reason for my dichotomy is that I want to believe life is easy, kinda like breathing, but I have plenty evidence to the contrary. There is a popular maxim that goes 'LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT', you get out what you put in. I personally hate that maxim and for a while I made it a point to hate anyone who said it because how dare they insinuate that I ' got the deaths of my children' because of something I had "put in"??? I was a victim of life / God and just as my children would never return to me I was determined to revel in my victimhood. This brought me some semblance of solace and I spent many nights weeping never imagining that one day I would make peace with it and lead a happy productive life. For a while, I have to admit, I was addicted to the pity and as with any addiction, one can never get enough, however, (and this brings up another maxim), LIFE GOES ON. By that I mean, people get over whatever it is that ails you, and you are expected to wean yourself off the pity, get over your shit and go on. The victim in me thought this was unfair, I didn't even realize that I had progressed onto the next stage of grieving which is anger.
Anyone who knows me would never tie me to anger! My name is Joy for heavens sake and until then I was the type of person who would get upset, but never raise my voice or throw my toys out of the cot, original me was renowned for conflict avoidance and amicability. Yoh! I began slamming doors, screaming obscenities, once I nearly punched my supervisor at the place I worked at, instead I told her to leave me alone if she had any plans to spend the night with her family, after that I stormed off and left work by 11:30 am. The poor woman was so stunned all she could do by way of disciplining me was give me a written warning. That anger, I must admit, made me feel invincible. I lost many friends even worse people lost all respect for me but all I saw was my notoriety. I'm no longer that angry beast, however I know how to speak up for myself. So I suppose every cloud has a silver lining.
Am I any closer to understanding the ease or otherwise of life? Hmmm... Let me say this: LIFE IS EASIER SPELLED THAN LIVED, however it is a balance, what goes up must come down I'm not an expert of it yet, but I find it goes smoother when I just let go and surrender to whatever changes are afoot and accept what I cannot change, forgiving others is easy after I have forgiven myself, the other thing is: LIFE IS NOT FAIR but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and more human. I wish you peace as you gather the broken pieces.
Tuesday 12 August 2014
Friday 8 August 2014
BIG BUT / small but?
So tomorrow 09/08 is a public holiday in South Africa called National Women's Day. This commemorates the national march of women on this day in 1956 to petition against Pass Laws (if you don't know what that is google quickly - in secret - general knowledge is a requirement for being a world citizen)!!!
Anywhooo, I began asking myself about modern womanhood. I mean here we sit in Post Colonial Africa and Post Apartheid South Africa and I smiled, a very smug, self satisfied smile after all I'm living in the Golden Age, I can vote, I can go where I want whenever I want, with whoever I choose and my skirt can be as short as I like, my jeans can be as tight as the stretchy denim will allow and I can wear pasties over my nipples and call that top! Amazing right? Well sort of...
The reality is, we do have all these freedoms and we are handling the corresponding responsibilities pretty well, BUT... I'm not sure if it's a big but or a small one, but... Are we carrying the torch our mothers passed to us in the best way we possibly can? What I'm really asking is: What is my generation's legacy.
Let me paint a picture: imagine 20 000 women of all races and ages from every corner of South Africa marching together in protest against the pass laws that required African persons to carry the "pass", special ID documents which curtailed an African's freedom of movement. On that day and I suppose on the days preceding the march, women put aside language barriers, religious beliefs, sexual orientation and saw each other as equals. Further, the pass laws actually affected African men more than the women as the men were the ones who worked in the mines and towns away from home but the women stepped out boldly risking arrest, banning and detention. They left bundles of petitions containing more than 100 000 signatures! Outside they stood silently for 30 minutes (I think that was so classy and disciplined) many carried their children on their backs and those who were working for whites as nannies brought their white charges with them! Can you imagine!!!! By the way 09/08/56 was a Thursday! These women had jobs, kids, husbands and all the other things we hide behind... AMANDLA!
Anywhooo, I began asking myself about modern womanhood. I mean here we sit in Post Colonial Africa and Post Apartheid South Africa and I smiled, a very smug, self satisfied smile after all I'm living in the Golden Age, I can vote, I can go where I want whenever I want, with whoever I choose and my skirt can be as short as I like, my jeans can be as tight as the stretchy denim will allow and I can wear pasties over my nipples and call that top! Amazing right? Well sort of...
The reality is, we do have all these freedoms and we are handling the corresponding responsibilities pretty well, BUT... I'm not sure if it's a big but or a small one, but... Are we carrying the torch our mothers passed to us in the best way we possibly can? What I'm really asking is: What is my generation's legacy.
Let me paint a picture: imagine 20 000 women of all races and ages from every corner of South Africa marching together in protest against the pass laws that required African persons to carry the "pass", special ID documents which curtailed an African's freedom of movement. On that day and I suppose on the days preceding the march, women put aside language barriers, religious beliefs, sexual orientation and saw each other as equals. Further, the pass laws actually affected African men more than the women as the men were the ones who worked in the mines and towns away from home but the women stepped out boldly risking arrest, banning and detention. They left bundles of petitions containing more than 100 000 signatures! Outside they stood silently for 30 minutes (I think that was so classy and disciplined) many carried their children on their backs and those who were working for whites as nannies brought their white charges with them! Can you imagine!!!! By the way 09/08/56 was a Thursday! These women had jobs, kids, husbands and all the other things we hide behind... AMANDLA!
Nice to meet you
ok so my name is Joy, I have an "African" name, 2 in fact, but I prefer this one only because it describes me better. My ID says I'm 34 but I feel like I'm 21 because although I have been through a lot everyday I learn more and that's what I enjoy doing. What have I been through you ask? Good question... I've been married, then divorced right now I'm not sure what my relationship status is *I promise to explain in due course*. I have attended the funerals of 2 of my children thank God though I still have 2 sons so I have learned to celebrate what is and make peace with what isn't. I'm the preacher's daughter *everything they say about us is true* but I don't believe in God because my daddy told me to I believe because I know and everyday I continue to see that the Bible isn't a story book. I've also known the humiliation of unemployment, what I learnt there is that humiliation breeds humility! I've been through other stuff but these so far have been the bazingers *thank you Sheldon Cooper*. Through this blog I aim to impart what I have learnt and allow anyone who wants to share anything they have learned to impart their insights feel free however to vent on here because sometimes we get so hemmed in by our experiences that we feel ashamed to share with people we actually know so think of me and this community as your virtual sister, mentor, friend no topic is off limits... Holla at your virtual girl!
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