Grateful

Tonight in this space of questionable sobriety I'm grateful. I'm grateful for not having all the answers because my journey has taught me the power of letting go. I don't think of myself as a control freak, I'm not one of those A type personality type people my default setting is angst cleverly disguised as amicability. People who deal with me need not panic: I enjoy being the diplomatic non threatening fat girl I'm not planning to change and I have no hidden nefarious intentions - rocking the boat is not even on my agenda - I'm just doing the mandatory self audit, that's my secret... that's how I maintain my awesome "don't give a shit/fuck" attitude that you and indeed I have come to love so much. Read Invictus. I explained myself in that other post detailing the deaths of my babies and the divorce. I try to not allow those things define me but they were so decidedly fucked up * sorry I'm not a fan of profanity for profanity's sake but in spite of my best efforts I haven't found better words to describe that chapter* that I could not possibly reintegrate myself to society as a "normal" human being. My faults and failings simply refuse to stay hidden. Sometimes I wish they would. I'm lying. I thoroughly enjoy who I am now. I enjoy that I learned the power of CALM even when I don't seem so I  like that I can apologise when I catch myself mid rage because I've noticed that THAT is a super power. I'm self aware. Oh gosh am I sounding self righteous?  I hope not! My intention is to exhibit my awareness of myself. I'm aware that the only thing in this great big wide world that I have control over is my SELF. Maybe that should be one word mySELF. ME. Because just as much as everything and everybody else matters:  I do too. Is my life perfect?  Not right now. Should you emulate me? Noooooooo! Be you. Control and monitor you. You would be surprised at how much energy monitoring Self takes. It literally leaves zero room for monitoring and evaluating others. I'm such a mess I can't even decide where to start the next paragraph .  Google Invictus. Read The Desiderata. I could edit and polish this post but I don't feel like being clever and witty, sorry for disappointing you I feel like dropping the mic now so I'm not even going to end this post with a full stop 😝 happy Self Auditing

Skeletons Knocking About

Hello Adults! How's life? Good right? Yes, No, kinda sorta maybe?  I don't really want to know anyway! I'm joking I do care that's one of the reasons why I take time to share insights. Not because I'm together, but because we're all a mess and we share pretty much the same struggles so we need to cut each other some slack! Keeping up appearances is so tiring and I'm lazy I really don't like to spend energy on useless pursuits. I really don't!  Ask my exes... I'm joking don't simply because I'm telling you right now and Maya Angelou famously said "When someone shows you who they are: believe them, the first time."

This is the bee that's firmly stuck in my bonnet is how we tend to fear our own narrative and we get upset when somebody other than us tells it. Ooh gosh I need to break it down. We fear our own stories. Our personal HISTORY. You know like if your life was a movie, you wouldn't watch it, you wouldn't script it, you would relinquish all power over your own story simply out of fear. I see you going "no I wouldn't," getting all hoity - toity... stop. Would you include the story of the REAL number of abortions you've had?  Would you add the story of that 3 day visit to the muti man so you would get that job or marry that guy? What about that money you embezzled?  Would you tell that story truthfully ?  What about your fear of abandonment would you talk about that?  Do you even know what your greatest fear is? When last did you visit the skeletons in your closet?  When do you plan to haul them out and Bury or burn them?  Can your closet hold any more? May I suggest a thorough spring clean of your skeletons closet?  Some of the skeletons in there are so old, they are just begging to be put to rest so they can decay and so keep the eco chain going! 

The good news is that you are your own undertaker!  All you have to do is own up to your mistakes, learn from them and forgive yourself. It's okay really it is one of my favourite Iyanla Vanzant quotes is "When you know better, you do better!" Knowing better = learning! A friend took out a loan to help out a boyfriend, I don't remember what he actually said to her, but we found out that he actually took the money and bought his other girlfriend a car! Her ego took a knock but he had promised to service the loan so no harm done, right ? Except he made only 1 payment, proposed to her and refused to pay another cent because he told her that she couldn't be his wife and loan shark at the same time, she had to choose. She chose wife, I don't feel like telling tell he rest of the story but the words 'train smash' aptly describe it. 10 years later she's free of the manipulative creep and although she got blacklisted she learnt the lesson on allowing yourself to be manipulated and the guy she is with now is really friggin awesome! You should hear her tell the story, it's so empowering. The truth is I'd heard it through the grapevine first and she'd reacted very aggressively when I'd asked her about it  ( that's a sure sign of a story that's not being owned ) but just because you're avoiding it doesn't mean other people are too. Quite the opposite actually it's the strangest thing. The minute she owned up to it and reclaimed it as her own story, all the gossip died down. The car is lying in a scrap yard somewhere, the guy is... ain't nobody got time for him he's like on Victim Number 666 yes the number of Satan ( the story still upsets me, she thinks that's hilarious ).

This other girl forged her BCom degree certificate and was caught a few years ago. I used to work with her. For the longest while she was the joke of the town because she was trying so hard to deny the story. She left the town, I recently reconnected with her on Facebook and she's busy with her thesis right now, I checked her profile and there were pictures of her getting her degree in Actuarial Sciences! Who's laughing now?

See everybody makes mistakes and those who rejoice over other people's mistakes are usually those who have more than 1 skeleton closet and they can't bear to be alone with themselves so they fill their lives with noise to drown out the sound of skeleton bones bumping against each other in the closet!  They're also very good at bullying other people but don't fear them they enjoy the smell of fear in the air. What we want is for them to go home and face their skeletons so don't engage them, you'll only be distracting them from the real work they need to do. There is power in owning your story! You could even save somebody least of all yourself! 

It's ALL Good.

Gosh life! The ebbs and flows are worse than any roller coaster ride Disney could ever come up with, simply because you can never tell what's around the corner or even on the horizon the only thing you know is what's litterally in front of you and you have absolutely ZERO control of anything but your reaction! That's doable right? Stupid easy except that we relinquish control of the 1 thing that we have power over and instead opt to try to control the situation and or other people! Think about it: if I ask you to look up right now you'd be able to do that in a nanosecond but if I told you to tell everyone in your family for example to look up that would take HOURS because others would want to know why, others would flat out refuse others would be like "ok I'll do it tomorrow I'm busy right now". Which would you rather?  Maybe I'm just lazy 😟 but I would rather the task that takes a second to complete than the other one hands down anyday! 

I know it's not easy to do, but pain was my greatest teacher. I met a guy on my 18th birthday, he came highly recommended and well you know because raging hormones, we had a son a year later. We got married 7 years later and the fairytale litterally ended before the wedding meal had been digested. We tried though for another 7 or so years and there were factors tearing us apart but we really gave the best that we could based on who we were at the time. In 2010 however our 18 month old daughter who was the most rambunctious girl I have ever seen, I swear Nakho had zero fear, she had hundreds of dolls but she preferred a weird crocodile like toy that used to belong to her brother and of course climbing stuff and just adventure in general. She wandered out one day, she literally climbed up to open the door to the gate and went through to the neighbours adjoining gate which she had taught herself to open *I did say she was adventurous didn't I*, got in and subsequently drowned in their fountain. All this happened in less than 10 minutes. She was still breathing when we found her, just a little bit, but I was so focused on the mouth to mouth, I forgot about the hypothermia which is the danger one in drowning accidents, I'd heard that on an episode of Oprah a few months before and I forgot it, a silly part of me still bangs it's head against a wall anytime I think of it but oh well I saw her little body turn lifeless as we were rushing her to the clinic. But there you go!  At 14:30 she had been getting her hair plaited, at 15:30 she was being pronounced dead. BOOM!  What do you do with that?

Okay, so I conceived shortly after that, but the marriage was beyond salvageable and people grieve differently some find comfort in the arms of other people, I suppose because they give you a break from reality you know like you're able to forget when you're with them, and that's fine too, but the marriage couldn't handle a third so it ended. Even the birth of a baby boy, Nkazimulo 9 months after the death of Nakho couldn't save it. Fast forward to 2012, ironically the 21st of December the day the Mayans predicted the world would end and we were at a friend's house there were at least 7 or 8 kids all different ages running around and stuff that kids do and Mazee as we called him was also in the mix. Now he was a quiet child, friendly but with definite loner tendencies and he wandered off through a door that hadn't been opened for the whole 3 years that the family had lived there. They didn't even know that there was a key for that door but somehow somebody had found it that particular day *it matters not who* and Mazee wandered through and 5 minutes later we found his lifeless body in the pool. Pronounced dead at 15:30 on a Friday, just like his sister. He was also 18 months old.... What do you say?  What do you do?  What the FUCK?

I chose ANGER! It's so easy to be angry and it feels so good when you're raging and you annihilate everything and everybody with just the cutting ability of your words. But then you have to keep pushing yourself to shock people further, make them fear you more so you have to get physical! I  punched a guy and busted his lip *gasp* y'all should see how soft and small my hands are 🙈. Now anger is easy rage feels good while you're seeing red but what about the aftermath?  Not good. I ruined so many things, hurt so many people it came to a point where I just couldn't even look myself in the mirror. NB: anytime you find yourself having beef with everyone in your life please know that the problem is you!  I came across an excerpt of Iyanlah Vanzant talking about her journey of dealing with the death of her daughter that the dam walls broke! Sometimes you need someone to speak their words in order to unlock your pain which you have been struggling to articulate. She knew exactly how I was feeling and gave me hope that nothing was wrong with me and that it wasn't my fault AND there was nothing I could do to prevent or alter the situation except to accept it and make peace with it. Now this is the the thing emotional issues can't be explained with logic. Some things you just have to FEEL.

This is what I'm saying today. Nothing is wrong! There may be things that you are not enamoured with, it's okay there's a lesson that you're learning try to relax around that situation mine it for all the beauty that may be found in it and allow yourself to grow. Someone you're in love with doesn't want you?  That's okay!  Nothing is wrong with you, let them go, IN PEACE, you never know who is around the corner waiting for you to free up your schedule. Disease comes knocking?  It's okay, the human body does that sometimes when it's been loaded to capacity. Make peace with it, allow people to look after you, there is no strength in isolation we are humans we are social beings connection is our greatest need, it's okay to be vulnerable. Whatever is going on have peace! Allow people to be who and what they choose to be that way you get to know the real THEM sooner than when you try to beat them into submission. There is beauty in the world. There is beauty in you. Nothing is wrong with you. Selah.

Of Angels and Blessers

South Africa is trending on Twitter! Any publicity is good publicity I suppose. Maybe people will stop coming to our shores to commit murder and instead commit to other things?  Everybody enjoys sex, our bodies need it according to Facebook surveys and scientific studies which I'm all for because Love Rocks! Now I'm no angel *well I could be under the right circumstances, white lingerie, candle light and such* but SA is trending because of Blesserfinder. I'm sure we all know what that is by now and I'm sure we've had lotsa discussions and drunken discourses about the phenomenon and our opinions are pretty much set at this point so fine, that's neither here nor there.

The page has 57 000 or so followers some looking to Bless, others looking to be Blessed - the lawyer in me hopes everybody is of consenting age *side - eyeing parents because duty lies with them to police Little Johnny and Suzie's social media antics* - and then there are the social voyeurs like me. Let me say: I am not opposed to the idea, it's a dating service with the caveat that Blessers need to bless their Blessees with the agreed upon sums of cash, gifts and trips in exchange for sex or whatever the Blessers requirements may be at the time. I see nothing wrong with that Sugar Daddies have been part of our social fabric for eons and some people even go on to marry their Benefactors. Would I be up for it? Ummmm yes and no. I would LOVE to have a Billionaire boyfriend shower me with stuff I only see on TV. But I would also need him to shower me with his love, affection and attention too. Married men are not my thing I like Monogamy I don't compromise on that, but then of course, not all Blessers are married. Thing is attraction is something tactile for me I like to "experience" a person live and in the flesh before I categorize them. So, cyber romance is not really my thing. To each his own, man! As long as it's legal, as long as it's safe, as long as it's fun for all participants I'm fine with it. The reality of the experiences people have on the site are plain hilarious... here are my favourites.

SUNSHINE

Go figure that I, JOY NONDUMISO NTOMBIYENKOSI ZULU would be sitting here wringing my hands unable to tell my up from my down! I preach love, I preach forgiveness, I preach self - acceptance and I live by those precepts I honestly do. I'm human and alas subject to fluctuating levels of being good to myself. I'm a  romantic at heart despite my aversion to soppy love songs and flowery greeting cards. I love roses - deep red ones - by the dozen only because I'm drawn to the thorns. I like how you have to hold them in a particular way to avoid getting pricked. Perfect analogy for love! I love peacocks because snake venom doesn't affect them, I  mean who would think that such ornate, opulent beauty could be so tough - I like that.

I know it's not Valentine's Day and before you wonder the answer is YES I believe in setting a day aside to celebrate and commemorate LOVE simply because on other days we are too busy with other things and I like how 14/02 forces us to put our focus on lurv. Which brings me to my point. No man, my point has nothing to do with Valentine's day and more to do with "the other things " that we do while navigating life.

We go through so much! Disappointment, Betrayal, Grief, Sorrow - we worry, we get down, we get put down, we struggle, we stifle emotions, we hold back our tears, we say yes to things that we would much rather say no to all in the name of living. We cannot get rid of these things, they are part of the human existence and we are able to handle them! It's called maturity. The thing we forget to do though is to release them after we have handled them. Let me explain.  I'm good at empathising - I weep for other people, I get angry on behalf of other people sometimes I even get depressed on behalf of other people, I even take on other people's bad moods and I have to remind myself that the bad mood is not mine and I mentally disentangle myself from those emotions which is why I don't do moody people, I actually don't understand how you can just wake up and choose to be sour to everyone and anyone for no reason except your mood. So I have my stuff which I tend to neglect because I make other people's stuff a priority. So I end up holding in a lot of stuff and I'm not good at reaching out. That's my m****f****n problem. That's why I was shocked to find that I n I, Queen Joy of the Kingdom of Heaven, fear happiness!  Can you believe it?!!!!! Not only do I fear happiness,  I fear love as well, I'm suspicious of people * MEN* who want nothing more than to see me smile. I don't even know when this started happening,  but I'm grateful to the person who helped me realise it. Now I can go about addressing the situation in hopes of redressing it.

That's why I'm wringing my hands. Someone I used to date in my University days was talking about meeting up with me soon. I had nothing to offer but excuses. I made excuses about having too many kids, I made excuses about how I had changed because of all the things I had been through and I was basically giving him reasons not to want me! I'm ashamed. When did my opinion of myself become so low? I'm such a confident person? Tears are falling down my eyes right now, cleansing tears of release. I'm so grateful to this guy for daring to force me to see good in myself. I am not my mistakes, I am not the reason why that guy *more than 1 guy* lied and cheated on me, I did not deserve the physical abuse, I should never have believed those verbally abusive remarks. I'm glad I got my physical self out of those situations now I'm freeing myself emotionally. I deserve that and I'm willing to trust God and open myself to HAPPYNESS. And LOVE. Because I'm worth it. YESSSSS!

Nobody's Anybody's Body

If you're reading this, allow me to assume that you're a human being - not an alien or a robot, or maybe you are - that fact that you're visible and have taken time to read words on a screen I would like to assume further that you have a body. And I hope you dress, clothe and feed said body. So I  don't think I'm wrong to believe that you care for your Body. As you should because it's yours and I would like to salute the awesomeness that is that Body of yours. * GASP* Yes, I said it YOUR BODY IS AWESOME! Your mind is probably scanning the validity of this assertion right now, and I'm asking you to ignore for a second and stay with me.

Let it sink in, shift your body around a little bit and allow your Body to be awesome. I mean you're just reading this and your eyes are doing a million awesome things in conjunction with your brain and all this is eliciting an emotional response which is entirely peculiar to you - Boredom is an emotional response too and I'll take it because you're plugged in and that's awesome! Then your lungs are busy expanding and contracting and regardless of whether this is happening painlessly or not - Baby, it's going down! Particles of air just coming in and out at the perfect speed and quantity for whatever it is that you're doing right now. All this while your heart, which despite being situated in your chest is conducting the perfect symphony, directing that crimson liquid that courses through your veins to every possible extremity to keep the show running. Aren't you in Awe? 

What does it matter that you have stretch marks? Will the removal of your stretch marks improve your sight in any way? Maybe you feel it will improve your life and you'll be able to attract the man of your dreams then you'll be the envy of all the women in the world. Maybe. But I've never heard anyone say 'OMG I'm so gonna marry X because she doesn't have stretch marks' or an employer stating 'Yes Ms Zulu you are being hired and given a pay raise because we love how you don't have stretch marks'. When was the last time your kids threw their arms around and exclaimed 'Oh Mom you're the best mother in the world because you have zero stretch marks!'. Maybe your issue isn't stretch marks. Maybe you think your body is too short, too tall, too dark, too light, big bum, no bum, thunder thighs, mosquito thighs, flat abs, pudgy belly, thigh gap, no gap - What does it matter?

I'm not saying don't put in any effort, I'm simply saying there is no reason to postpone loving and appreciating your body right now, this very moment and every moment thereafter. Ok? Done.

Now. Other people's bodies. First of all, let me say, your schedule is way too empty and your mental capabilities are far too under utilised if you have time to make pronouncements on other women's bodies as if the struggle isn't hard enough. There is no such thing as the perfect body! You like Beyonce?  You think she's got the perfect butt? Kid Rock doesn't think so! She is a beautiful woman but she poops too and her excrement probably gets stinky too sometimes - just like yours, just like that girl you and your friends were dissing just because her beautiful doesn't jibe with yours. Who died and made you God?

I'm a big girl and I enjoy living in my pear shaped body. I love the idea that thunder claps from my thighs - how magical is that? My best friend is a model, she's really tall and exotic looking I doubt she's ever worn anything larger than a UK size 4 ( 32 here in Africa ). But we have the same struggles with men, we go out together and we come back with more or less the same number of So-can-I-call-you-sometime requests. We meet lots of people  ( only because planet Earth is teeming with them ) and we've never had to justify our decision to become friends to any men - no, wait, there was that 1 guy who suggested a mènage à trois because was excited by the contrast - it's usually the women who have remarks to make. None have been worthwhile, we generally don't do people who are not too bright. And that's what you are if you're still body shaming! Reminds me of a song I learnt in Primary school, the lyrics were thus: MY BODY'S NOBODY'S BODY BUT MINE... YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BODY LEAVE ME AND MINE! *drops the mic*

Stop it now...

Jealousy or Envy * I don't know the difference * is called the green eyed MONSTER for a reason. I've never actually seen a monster and I don't watch very much sci- fi and horror but from nursery school rhymes and books, monsters are generally not the kind of things you want lurking around. Understand this your mind and heart are the 2 most important organs in your body physically and spirituality. And you need to guard them as you would your house, your car or your kids. So... Imagine a monster, an ugly gory one and think of how many people or situations that you are currently jealous of or speaking negatively of. Be honest, I mean, the girl you went to high school with who wasn't *in your opinion* particularly beautiful who is now married to that hot rich guy? What do you think of her? What do you and your friends say about her after a few glasses of wine? The girl who doesn't have a degree who now has a cushy job that you would love to have? What do you think of her? Do you celebrate them or do you look for the negatives and focus on those? Every time you feel that pang of jealousy arise in you, every time you deem someone unworthy of any good in their lives you feed an ugly monster in your heart and in your mind! Every time you speak negatively about a person you make that monster bigger and stronger especially when you form friendships based on the mutual hate of a person: all you and your new friend do is sit around feeding monsters... Its fun in the beginning, but have you noticed how those types of friendships never a) last and b) end well? Thats because you can only feed a monster so much before it turns on you and you become its prey. You see all prayers are answered sometimes directly sometimes indirectly and God or The Universe is ALWAYS watching and listening to us, not just when we get into prayerful postures, so what we say when we are actually "praying" and when we are not is all prayer! So if you want things to be well with you, you need to wish your fellow man well. Have you ever wished / prayed for a thing and suddenly you find that everyone has it but you? Then you have a choice of either to hate everyone who has what you want and feed the monster and the more you spend time with the monster the less your chances of ever getting that thing become. Or you get that thing and it brings you absolutely no joy... That's the monster eating you up because you entertained it and now you have to constantly feed it! Or have you ever complimented someone on a pair of earrings or shoes and they respond by giving that item to you sometimes without you even having to ask? Which scenario would you like more of in your life? Ok sho love you bye