It's ALL Good.

Gosh life! The ebbs and flows are worse than any roller coaster ride Disney could ever come up with, simply because you can never tell what's around the corner or even on the horizon the only thing you know is what's litterally in front of you and you have absolutely ZERO control of anything but your reaction! That's doable right? Stupid easy except that we relinquish control of the 1 thing that we have power over and instead opt to try to control the situation and or other people! Think about it: if I ask you to look up right now you'd be able to do that in a nanosecond but if I told you to tell everyone in your family for example to look up that would take HOURS because others would want to know why, others would flat out refuse others would be like "ok I'll do it tomorrow I'm busy right now". Which would you rather?  Maybe I'm just lazy 😟 but I would rather the task that takes a second to complete than the other one hands down anyday! 

I know it's not easy to do, but pain was my greatest teacher. I met a guy on my 18th birthday, he came highly recommended and well you know because raging hormones, we had a son a year later. We got married 7 years later and the fairytale litterally ended before the wedding meal had been digested. We tried though for another 7 or so years and there were factors tearing us apart but we really gave the best that we could based on who we were at the time. In 2010 however our 18 month old daughter who was the most rambunctious girl I have ever seen, I swear Nakho had zero fear, she had hundreds of dolls but she preferred a weird crocodile like toy that used to belong to her brother and of course climbing stuff and just adventure in general. She wandered out one day, she literally climbed up to open the door to the gate and went through to the neighbours adjoining gate which she had taught herself to open *I did say she was adventurous didn't I*, got in and subsequently drowned in their fountain. All this happened in less than 10 minutes. She was still breathing when we found her, just a little bit, but I was so focused on the mouth to mouth, I forgot about the hypothermia which is the danger one in drowning accidents, I'd heard that on an episode of Oprah a few months before and I forgot it, a silly part of me still bangs it's head against a wall anytime I think of it but oh well I saw her little body turn lifeless as we were rushing her to the clinic. But there you go!  At 14:30 she had been getting her hair plaited, at 15:30 she was being pronounced dead. BOOM!  What do you do with that?

Okay, so I conceived shortly after that, but the marriage was beyond salvageable and people grieve differently some find comfort in the arms of other people, I suppose because they give you a break from reality you know like you're able to forget when you're with them, and that's fine too, but the marriage couldn't handle a third so it ended. Even the birth of a baby boy, Nkazimulo 9 months after the death of Nakho couldn't save it. Fast forward to 2012, ironically the 21st of December the day the Mayans predicted the world would end and we were at a friend's house there were at least 7 or 8 kids all different ages running around and stuff that kids do and Mazee as we called him was also in the mix. Now he was a quiet child, friendly but with definite loner tendencies and he wandered off through a door that hadn't been opened for the whole 3 years that the family had lived there. They didn't even know that there was a key for that door but somehow somebody had found it that particular day *it matters not who* and Mazee wandered through and 5 minutes later we found his lifeless body in the pool. Pronounced dead at 15:30 on a Friday, just like his sister. He was also 18 months old.... What do you say?  What do you do?  What the FUCK?

I chose ANGER! It's so easy to be angry and it feels so good when you're raging and you annihilate everything and everybody with just the cutting ability of your words. But then you have to keep pushing yourself to shock people further, make them fear you more so you have to get physical! I  punched a guy and busted his lip *gasp* y'all should see how soft and small my hands are 🙈. Now anger is easy rage feels good while you're seeing red but what about the aftermath?  Not good. I ruined so many things, hurt so many people it came to a point where I just couldn't even look myself in the mirror. NB: anytime you find yourself having beef with everyone in your life please know that the problem is you!  I came across an excerpt of Iyanlah Vanzant talking about her journey of dealing with the death of her daughter that the dam walls broke! Sometimes you need someone to speak their words in order to unlock your pain which you have been struggling to articulate. She knew exactly how I was feeling and gave me hope that nothing was wrong with me and that it wasn't my fault AND there was nothing I could do to prevent or alter the situation except to accept it and make peace with it. Now this is the the thing emotional issues can't be explained with logic. Some things you just have to FEEL.

This is what I'm saying today. Nothing is wrong! There may be things that you are not enamoured with, it's okay there's a lesson that you're learning try to relax around that situation mine it for all the beauty that may be found in it and allow yourself to grow. Someone you're in love with doesn't want you?  That's okay!  Nothing is wrong with you, let them go, IN PEACE, you never know who is around the corner waiting for you to free up your schedule. Disease comes knocking?  It's okay, the human body does that sometimes when it's been loaded to capacity. Make peace with it, allow people to look after you, there is no strength in isolation we are humans we are social beings connection is our greatest need, it's okay to be vulnerable. Whatever is going on have peace! Allow people to be who and what they choose to be that way you get to know the real THEM sooner than when you try to beat them into submission. There is beauty in the world. There is beauty in you. Nothing is wrong with you. Selah.