SUNSHINE

Go figure that I, JOY NONDUMISO NTOMBIYENKOSI ZULU would be sitting here wringing my hands unable to tell my up from my down! I preach love, I preach forgiveness, I preach self - acceptance and I live by those precepts I honestly do. I'm human and alas subject to fluctuating levels of being good to myself. I'm a  romantic at heart despite my aversion to soppy love songs and flowery greeting cards. I love roses - deep red ones - by the dozen only because I'm drawn to the thorns. I like how you have to hold them in a particular way to avoid getting pricked. Perfect analogy for love! I love peacocks because snake venom doesn't affect them, I  mean who would think that such ornate, opulent beauty could be so tough - I like that.

I know it's not Valentine's Day and before you wonder the answer is YES I believe in setting a day aside to celebrate and commemorate LOVE simply because on other days we are too busy with other things and I like how 14/02 forces us to put our focus on lurv. Which brings me to my point. No man, my point has nothing to do with Valentine's day and more to do with "the other things " that we do while navigating life.

We go through so much! Disappointment, Betrayal, Grief, Sorrow - we worry, we get down, we get put down, we struggle, we stifle emotions, we hold back our tears, we say yes to things that we would much rather say no to all in the name of living. We cannot get rid of these things, they are part of the human existence and we are able to handle them! It's called maturity. The thing we forget to do though is to release them after we have handled them. Let me explain.  I'm good at empathising - I weep for other people, I get angry on behalf of other people sometimes I even get depressed on behalf of other people, I even take on other people's bad moods and I have to remind myself that the bad mood is not mine and I mentally disentangle myself from those emotions which is why I don't do moody people, I actually don't understand how you can just wake up and choose to be sour to everyone and anyone for no reason except your mood. So I have my stuff which I tend to neglect because I make other people's stuff a priority. So I end up holding in a lot of stuff and I'm not good at reaching out. That's my m****f****n problem. That's why I was shocked to find that I n I, Queen Joy of the Kingdom of Heaven, fear happiness!  Can you believe it?!!!!! Not only do I fear happiness,  I fear love as well, I'm suspicious of people * MEN* who want nothing more than to see me smile. I don't even know when this started happening,  but I'm grateful to the person who helped me realise it. Now I can go about addressing the situation in hopes of redressing it.

That's why I'm wringing my hands. Someone I used to date in my University days was talking about meeting up with me soon. I had nothing to offer but excuses. I made excuses about having too many kids, I made excuses about how I had changed because of all the things I had been through and I was basically giving him reasons not to want me! I'm ashamed. When did my opinion of myself become so low? I'm such a confident person? Tears are falling down my eyes right now, cleansing tears of release. I'm so grateful to this guy for daring to force me to see good in myself. I am not my mistakes, I am not the reason why that guy *more than 1 guy* lied and cheated on me, I did not deserve the physical abuse, I should never have believed those verbally abusive remarks. I'm glad I got my physical self out of those situations now I'm freeing myself emotionally. I deserve that and I'm willing to trust God and open myself to HAPPYNESS. And LOVE. Because I'm worth it. YESSSSS!