Stop it now...

Jealousy or Envy * I don't know the difference * is called the green eyed MONSTER for a reason. I've never actually seen a monster and I don't watch very much sci- fi and horror but from nursery school rhymes and books, monsters are generally not the kind of things you want lurking around. Understand this your mind and heart are the 2 most important organs in your body physically and spirituality. And you need to guard them as you would your house, your car or your kids. So... Imagine a monster, an ugly gory one and think of how many people or situations that you are currently jealous of or speaking negatively of. Be honest, I mean, the girl you went to high school with who wasn't *in your opinion* particularly beautiful who is now married to that hot rich guy? What do you think of her? What do you and your friends say about her after a few glasses of wine? The girl who doesn't have a degree who now has a cushy job that you would love to have? What do you think of her? Do you celebrate them or do you look for the negatives and focus on those? Every time you feel that pang of jealousy arise in you, every time you deem someone unworthy of any good in their lives you feed an ugly monster in your heart and in your mind! Every time you speak negatively about a person you make that monster bigger and stronger especially when you form friendships based on the mutual hate of a person: all you and your new friend do is sit around feeding monsters... Its fun in the beginning, but have you noticed how those types of friendships never a) last and b) end well? Thats because you can only feed a monster so much before it turns on you and you become its prey. You see all prayers are answered sometimes directly sometimes indirectly and God or The Universe is ALWAYS watching and listening to us, not just when we get into prayerful postures, so what we say when we are actually "praying" and when we are not is all prayer! So if you want things to be well with you, you need to wish your fellow man well. Have you ever wished / prayed for a thing and suddenly you find that everyone has it but you? Then you have a choice of either to hate everyone who has what you want and feed the monster and the more you spend time with the monster the less your chances of ever getting that thing become. Or you get that thing and it brings you absolutely no joy... That's the monster eating you up because you entertained it and now you have to constantly feed it! Or have you ever complimented someone on a pair of earrings or shoes and they respond by giving that item to you sometimes without you even having to ask? Which scenario would you like more of in your life? Ok sho love you bye

L.O.V.E.

I'm sure I have told the story of the passing of my babies somewhere on this blog. If I haven't sorry I'm too happy to discuss it today. What I will say is that those 2 incidents were the worst and best things that have ever happened to me. Would I do it again? NO I would take the lessons any day and nix the actual occurences. What did learn? Oooh thank you for asking that's my favorite question to answer.

Well, I learned God. I didn't learn ABOUT him I learned HIM/HER/IT/WE/US what ever how ever you define God *trust me you do* that's lesson 1. I haven't mastered it yet because God is everything in everything to everyone. Make sense? I hope so. If not pick up that gem of a book by Neale Donald Walsch Conversations With God 1, 2, or 3 same difference God will direct you to the perfect one for you where you and he will, with your consent of course, rediscover just how intimately interlocked and enmeshed you are. Side bar - if the Creator of this whole thing we call life respects you to the point of requiring your consent to introduce himself to you do you see how valuable you are? How beautiful must you be that the God who paints sunsets and seashores wants nothing more than to converse with you? You reading this right now to him *I prefer to think of him as a dude because I love dudes* you're perfect, your big bum, knocked knees, cankles, acne blemished skin, unemployed, uneducated, can't find or keep a man or woman, dead end job, HIV positive, broke self is just beautiful to him for reasons best known to him which he will reveal to you if you let him. Everything you have been through everything you are going through now and everything that is still going to come your way is right and those tears that anger ,mistrust ,betrayal, grief, shame ugh whatever it is that is plaguing you I ask you to turn it over to him right now no ceremony or special words needed he is so informal he's worse than white people wearing shorts and flip flops to church... I digress.
God was lesson 1. Lesson 2: LOVE!!! I wasn't a particularly sour person to begin with but I did have a bitchy side, I didn't think it was that bad but I had still possibly do have the ability to cut with my words. I saw this over the weekend where I had the best Valentines day ever celebrating my bff's birthday. I saw people I hadn't seen in a while and we were swimming in those boozy bottles and our lips got loose. I love loose lips the best conversations happen I live for epic conversations because I love people. The stories of despicable things I had said to them were outrageous! But we laughed we hugged we danced we all left uplifted that's love. I still diss everyone and everything but its Sassy now no longer bitchy although I still have a quick temper, I love and accept myself and then they say I'm glowing (one of my favorite compliments to receive) and my only secret is love. Open your heart you'll be glad you did. Love enabled my friends to tease me mercilessly (those girls are hilarious) about that guy who was supposed to be my date but dropped me with the lamest excuse ever. Rejection has never been so funny... See how powerful love is? Few hours later I had another BETTER date hotness, manners and all! OMG!

This post is like that thing Jesus said when they asked him about the most important commandment!!!! I'll just polish my halo thank you very much I LOVE YOU thank you for reading go kiss somebody, sing your favorite song its life darling none of us makes it out alive!

Oopsy Daisy!

Hey sweetie how are you today? Good I hope because today I feel like getting real with myself and you get to sit and watch *read* me do it. Now the same rule as all other posts applies: DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU GOSSIPING this is not rumor-mill fodder its heal-your -heart fodder because we wanna be beautiful which is a function of what's happening inside of us. Ok? Cool.

I haven't reached the point where I automatically love and forgive myself after I make a mistake. My instinct is still to beat myself up, berate, dress down and generally self destruct after I mess up. To my credit however, the beat down doesn't last forever as it used to my inner Joy who no longer puts up with unpleasantness quickly rushes to my aid with compassion *for myself, yes I'm worthy* , love *I deserve that too* and understanding *my favorite one*. Then Inner Joy asks me to sit still and acknowledge my feelings no matter how irrational and to ask the Holy Spirit or whoever you believe goes with you what the lesson is / was *old stuff still comes up from time to time*. Y'all know how sneaky the Holy Spirit is, sometimes the answer will be in the lyrics of a song, a line from a movie, a tag-line from an advert sometimes even a conversation that I over hear. I love that guy, he's so unpredictable! And in that instant I am able to laugh about my mistake, atone for it if there's a need, apologize even to those I feel don't deserve it and GROW from it. See, the mistake is a good thing its an opportunity to grow, the trick is to learn from it. So I can forgive myself for dating that guy who was on drugs, I can forgive myself for the divorce, I can even forgive myself for putting that guy ahead of my career, that girl I called all sorts of unpleasant things, anything you want to accuse or judge me of, the 2 baby daddies you can call me a whore if you like: I'm not. This embracing of mistakes is so freeing! I still believe in love, I deserve to love and be loved even to be married and you can count that I have given birth 4 times and guess what: I still wanna have a baby girl, twin girls with my husband *I do wanna get married again because love rocks and I believe in marriage whole-heartedly*. See! What else can you say of me? Nothing. I own it! I own it all, and I strive now to do better and that makes me feel better ergo I'm on an upward trajectory of better-ness. Will I make more mistakes? Hell yeah, there's 1 I'm in the process of cleaning up right now ( someone I ought to forgive but I don't want to yet kinda situation) , I'm leaving for Johannesburg in a few days I'm probably gonna make a few there *nothing intentional or malicious, its just Valentines day / my BFF's party and my new Tingz, anything can happen*. I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna grow it's gonna be awesome! Luv you!!!!

Amazeballs Maturity

Happy 2015 err'body! On my mind today is the beauty of friendships, I have so many purely because I have been alive for so many years that some need to be elevated to the status of SISTASHIPS. It has been a long held dream of mine to coin a phrase, I don't know if this is it but I'm sure you understand that today I am excited about the super deep super long and as a result super intimate relationships I have formed with certain women I have met on my life's journey. I'm an only child, so one of the things I struggle with in life is forming bonds with people.

The thing is loneliness doesn't bother me. No wait, ALONE-NESS doesn't bother me. I enjoy being alone with my thoughts in fact I'm alone in a park somewhere right now... Loneliness however is that craving for quality company and when I think about it that's what has bothered me since I was yay high. That's probably why I have so many people I call friend. I don't do people who say they have none because since I have known God he has been churning out new people every single day by the thousands, in fact Norah Jones says there are 9 million bicycles in Beijing! Imagine how many people on the planet that is! Amazeballs indeed.

The subjects of friendships is on my mind today because its truly astounding that a person who owes you absolutely nothing can decide to link themselves with you and be prepared to withstand your quirks, your stupidity, your scandalous-ness and your downright ratchetness. And you willingly withstand theirs.

I am not a good friend in the classical sense of the word: I mean I'm a good person *most of the time* but my life experience hasn't been such that I can drop everything to be at my friend's side when shit hits the fan because: Geography and there was that time when I was financially dependant on some one whose priorities were not mine but some of my Sistaships withstood all that. There are funerals and weddings that I haven't attended for whatever reason but these girls love me still! That's beautiful. Cherish your sisterships and friendships, you never know who your potential sister-friend may be so how about we get rid of the PHD *pull her down* syndrome in 2015? Think long and hard before you shaft a sista...

The Blame Game

Do you believe that you're powerful? Do you know how strong you truly are? Do you know that God respects your decisions? Do you know that you have a choice at all times in all situations in your life? Believe it honey because it's true! Feels good right? Until you give your power over to someone else by allowing your self to see yourself as a victim. Hold on now I'm in no way suggesting that there are no instances where we become victimized through no doing of our own like if you get raped or burglarized or murdered there you become victimized but you can choose to not become a victim. The difference is in your attitude.

We have control over ourselves, our actions, our beliefs, our attitudes and our responses to external stimuli. Any time that you look back on a situation and blame someone else for your present condition, you have officially given away your power. Now think of that person or situation that you blame and ask yourself is that really who you want to be controlling your life? What makes them better qualified at running the show than you? Is that really what you want for yourself? Does that person or situation have your best interests at heart? I hope the answer is no, if it's yes I send my sincerest condolences to you, you may as well swing by the nearest funeral parlor and pick out your coffin right now. God brought you into the world fully equipped with a state of the art device built into you called Free Will! That's why he doesn't strike you down when you behave badly, that's why he doesn't force people to love him or believe in him. If any body tells you otherwise they are lying please choose to disengage from that toxic person, they are not beneficial to you in any. Similar to people who like to control people and situations. Now I must say that I have been guilty of trying to control and force people to do things my way I admit it I take full responsibility for the consequences that followed and I am also grateful that I learnt that the "power" I thought I had or the relief I got from getting my way was short lived and ultimately false. I understand where that need to control came from and I had to seek authentic power which comes from running my own show and allowing others to be and see things the way they choose. I feel freer now and there are fewer people and situations that occupy my mind ever since I let go of the need to control and blame others for things I did or said, drunk or sober.

How do we let go you ask? Simple, just decide to, choose to, if there's an apology you need to give just do it, this can be really scary but God gave us Instant messaging and other wonderful means to get messages across the courage for face to face meetings comes with time. Acknowledge your role, the person may have some hard words to say to you don't let them dump on you and victimize you in the process, resist the urge for unnecessary arguments and justifications, the aim is to free yourself and if they choose to stay stuck with guilt trips and other manipulations don't take those on, you have done what was required of you, their happiness is not dependant on you. Similarly, if a person apologizes to you be gracious and accept in this way we all become free to be.

OUCH! it hurts!!!

The silly season is upon us, in SA we like to say"KE DEZEMBER BOSS" *pronounced •kii• •December but we joke around and make a z sound instead of the sss sound• • boss• because although we know and use the term boss appropriately its also a term of endearment for friends and people in general... Ok I suck at explaining language nuances deal with it. Its a happy time, it truly is, Spring and Summer converge and give way to each other in a beautiful way and we have clear sunny days, just when the heat becomes unbearable the heavens open up and just when you're thoroughly wet, out comes the sun again... The nights are just magical our sunsets are breathtaking and our dawns are a sight to behold, *yes Africa is blessed* for this reason we don't sleep, we party, we sit outside, we hobnob! All this is good and thoroughly enjoyable except for those who are grieving.

The word grief tends to be associated with death and rightly so because well death denotes the end. The end of life, the end of love, the end of a state of being, the end is traditionally seen as the snuffing out of hope. This leads to disappointment, depression, frustration, anger and pain. All these are normal and everyone walking the face of the earth has had an encounter with at least 1 if not all of these. They are no fun! Can we be ok with that? Can we allow ourselves and others to sit with any of these and not interrupt the process? Can we? Do we? The other thing about grief in general is that it has no expiry date. We tend to revere people who don't go "down" into the deep of these emotions and we call them strong, I don't know anybody who would be offended at being called strong it's an amazing state to aspire to. However, I think the heroes are those who allow themselves to go down into the deep dark belly of despair and feel it... I didn't say those who WALLOW I'm talking about those who allow their hearts to break, who are not afraid to cry their tears and allow themselves enough compassion to know that although it hurts now, it won't hurt always and they allow themselves to smile during the tears and be content to just breathe when the voice of confusion is shouting at the top of its nasty disempowering voice. Because they know or at least a part of them remembers that hope is never lost, it may be hidden under the rubble of the explosion caused by grief, but its waiting to be discovered at the end of those tears. And that's where the beauty of the end lies...

It ushers in the beginning! Everybody loves a happy ending and that for some situations is the beginning. Wherever you are whatever you're contending with go with it, don't fear the end, rejoice in the beginning. Yay!

The Formula for Forgiveness

Let me just say that I don't know exactly what it is that I'm getting ready to say, but writing is therapeutic and hopefully something coherent will come out of this because I have to get these things off my chest... I'm a Christian so I believe Jesus when he prescribes forgiveness 100% of the time for 100% of everything. The bible also prescribes reconciliation, I am not your pastor so I won't be giving you the verses, you can go check google if you don't have a bible or roll your eyes if you're an atheist: my blog my words - I digress... Anyway Paul's formula is go make things right with the person first and if they apologize accept it and go on your merry way. Paul wasn't the Messiah so he knew how fucked up people can be so he said if the person pisses you off further regarding the same issue THEN you can invite someone else *elders of the church he said* and they can hear both sides and hopefully broker peace... Sometimes this works sometimes it doesn't, some people's fucked-upness knows no bounds so if they still refuse to see the light then you're free to dismiss the person and have no further dealings with them, no it doesn't say nurse a grudge, just stay out of each others way.

I try as hard as I can to live by this, I don't think I hold grudges but sometimes like once or twice I have stopped talking to people just because I like to protect my space from ratchetness. So far I'm aware of 1 person that I don't speak to, she's "family" in that way that Africans believe that having the same surname makes us family... What was her crime? She cursed me out in Zulu. See for some reason English cuss words don't cut as deep as Zulu ones and I'm a good 9 years older than this girl and I don't care whether you're jumping off a cliff or losing your mind I don't tolerate disrespect and she never bothered to come and apologize to me, however I did text that I had forgiven her although I never want her in my space, I had to block her from fb because she would look over my page and go spread gossip about whatever she found there without fact verification, she continues to talk about me but I have told our other"family members" not to answer questions about me from her and not to inform me of whatever she says because I don't acknowledge her existence, you're well within your rights to engage ME on this one, I'm at peace. I don't define that as a grudge.

Now we get to the things that are bothering me... A few people like to reach out to me from time to time so I have to recount those stories so you know what I'm on about. The things our men do to us... Firstly its weird how we forgive and reconcile with our men for cheating on us but we hardly *never* do same with the women they participate with... Just putting that out there. Then we forgive and reconcile with the man who cheats, beats, undermines and generally undermines us time and time again, in most instances brother man is not even your husband or fiance he's just a brutha passing through your life and you allow him to drag you through the manure, only for him to leave you and you get bitter at his new woman and become his side chick... Do we not see? Where is the love there? We should forgive methinks, but we need to love as well and love does not hurt intentionally time and time again. Relationships should be happy for both of us if only one of us is having fun, I don't know what that is but it sure ain't love! I'm not saying bear a grudge against him I'm saying let him go YOU'RE the catch after all the bible says that thing about HE who finds a wife finds a good thing ladies YOU are the good thing please know your worth and treat yourself as such. I mean one of the ladies told me that he had given her HIV and he didn't apologize he told her to do whatever she thought was right... What did she do? All I know is she didn't protect herself from further pain, now she's getting her children outfits for his upcoming wedding, last night he spent the night at her place and they didn't use a condom, she's hoping to fall pregnant... Oh ladies:-(