Of Angels and Blessers

South Africa is trending on Twitter! Any publicity is good publicity I suppose. Maybe people will stop coming to our shores to commit murder and instead commit to other things?  Everybody enjoys sex, our bodies need it according to Facebook surveys and scientific studies which I'm all for because Love Rocks! Now I'm no angel *well I could be under the right circumstances, white lingerie, candle light and such* but SA is trending because of Blesserfinder. I'm sure we all know what that is by now and I'm sure we've had lotsa discussions and drunken discourses about the phenomenon and our opinions are pretty much set at this point so fine, that's neither here nor there.

The page has 57 000 or so followers some looking to Bless, others looking to be Blessed - the lawyer in me hopes everybody is of consenting age *side - eyeing parents because duty lies with them to police Little Johnny and Suzie's social media antics* - and then there are the social voyeurs like me. Let me say: I am not opposed to the idea, it's a dating service with the caveat that Blessers need to bless their Blessees with the agreed upon sums of cash, gifts and trips in exchange for sex or whatever the Blessers requirements may be at the time. I see nothing wrong with that Sugar Daddies have been part of our social fabric for eons and some people even go on to marry their Benefactors. Would I be up for it? Ummmm yes and no. I would LOVE to have a Billionaire boyfriend shower me with stuff I only see on TV. But I would also need him to shower me with his love, affection and attention too. Married men are not my thing I like Monogamy I don't compromise on that, but then of course, not all Blessers are married. Thing is attraction is something tactile for me I like to "experience" a person live and in the flesh before I categorize them. So, cyber romance is not really my thing. To each his own, man! As long as it's legal, as long as it's safe, as long as it's fun for all participants I'm fine with it. The reality of the experiences people have on the site are plain hilarious... here are my favourites.

SUNSHINE

Go figure that I, JOY NONDUMISO NTOMBIYENKOSI ZULU would be sitting here wringing my hands unable to tell my up from my down! I preach love, I preach forgiveness, I preach self - acceptance and I live by those precepts I honestly do. I'm human and alas subject to fluctuating levels of being good to myself. I'm a  romantic at heart despite my aversion to soppy love songs and flowery greeting cards. I love roses - deep red ones - by the dozen only because I'm drawn to the thorns. I like how you have to hold them in a particular way to avoid getting pricked. Perfect analogy for love! I love peacocks because snake venom doesn't affect them, I  mean who would think that such ornate, opulent beauty could be so tough - I like that.

I know it's not Valentine's Day and before you wonder the answer is YES I believe in setting a day aside to celebrate and commemorate LOVE simply because on other days we are too busy with other things and I like how 14/02 forces us to put our focus on lurv. Which brings me to my point. No man, my point has nothing to do with Valentine's day and more to do with "the other things " that we do while navigating life.

We go through so much! Disappointment, Betrayal, Grief, Sorrow - we worry, we get down, we get put down, we struggle, we stifle emotions, we hold back our tears, we say yes to things that we would much rather say no to all in the name of living. We cannot get rid of these things, they are part of the human existence and we are able to handle them! It's called maturity. The thing we forget to do though is to release them after we have handled them. Let me explain.  I'm good at empathising - I weep for other people, I get angry on behalf of other people sometimes I even get depressed on behalf of other people, I even take on other people's bad moods and I have to remind myself that the bad mood is not mine and I mentally disentangle myself from those emotions which is why I don't do moody people, I actually don't understand how you can just wake up and choose to be sour to everyone and anyone for no reason except your mood. So I have my stuff which I tend to neglect because I make other people's stuff a priority. So I end up holding in a lot of stuff and I'm not good at reaching out. That's my m****f****n problem. That's why I was shocked to find that I n I, Queen Joy of the Kingdom of Heaven, fear happiness!  Can you believe it?!!!!! Not only do I fear happiness,  I fear love as well, I'm suspicious of people * MEN* who want nothing more than to see me smile. I don't even know when this started happening,  but I'm grateful to the person who helped me realise it. Now I can go about addressing the situation in hopes of redressing it.

That's why I'm wringing my hands. Someone I used to date in my University days was talking about meeting up with me soon. I had nothing to offer but excuses. I made excuses about having too many kids, I made excuses about how I had changed because of all the things I had been through and I was basically giving him reasons not to want me! I'm ashamed. When did my opinion of myself become so low? I'm such a confident person? Tears are falling down my eyes right now, cleansing tears of release. I'm so grateful to this guy for daring to force me to see good in myself. I am not my mistakes, I am not the reason why that guy *more than 1 guy* lied and cheated on me, I did not deserve the physical abuse, I should never have believed those verbally abusive remarks. I'm glad I got my physical self out of those situations now I'm freeing myself emotionally. I deserve that and I'm willing to trust God and open myself to HAPPYNESS. And LOVE. Because I'm worth it. YESSSSS!

Nobody's Anybody's Body

If you're reading this, allow me to assume that you're a human being - not an alien or a robot, or maybe you are - that fact that you're visible and have taken time to read words on a screen I would like to assume further that you have a body. And I hope you dress, clothe and feed said body. So I  don't think I'm wrong to believe that you care for your Body. As you should because it's yours and I would like to salute the awesomeness that is that Body of yours. * GASP* Yes, I said it YOUR BODY IS AWESOME! Your mind is probably scanning the validity of this assertion right now, and I'm asking you to ignore for a second and stay with me.

Let it sink in, shift your body around a little bit and allow your Body to be awesome. I mean you're just reading this and your eyes are doing a million awesome things in conjunction with your brain and all this is eliciting an emotional response which is entirely peculiar to you - Boredom is an emotional response too and I'll take it because you're plugged in and that's awesome! Then your lungs are busy expanding and contracting and regardless of whether this is happening painlessly or not - Baby, it's going down! Particles of air just coming in and out at the perfect speed and quantity for whatever it is that you're doing right now. All this while your heart, which despite being situated in your chest is conducting the perfect symphony, directing that crimson liquid that courses through your veins to every possible extremity to keep the show running. Aren't you in Awe? 

What does it matter that you have stretch marks? Will the removal of your stretch marks improve your sight in any way? Maybe you feel it will improve your life and you'll be able to attract the man of your dreams then you'll be the envy of all the women in the world. Maybe. But I've never heard anyone say 'OMG I'm so gonna marry X because she doesn't have stretch marks' or an employer stating 'Yes Ms Zulu you are being hired and given a pay raise because we love how you don't have stretch marks'. When was the last time your kids threw their arms around and exclaimed 'Oh Mom you're the best mother in the world because you have zero stretch marks!'. Maybe your issue isn't stretch marks. Maybe you think your body is too short, too tall, too dark, too light, big bum, no bum, thunder thighs, mosquito thighs, flat abs, pudgy belly, thigh gap, no gap - What does it matter?

I'm not saying don't put in any effort, I'm simply saying there is no reason to postpone loving and appreciating your body right now, this very moment and every moment thereafter. Ok? Done.

Now. Other people's bodies. First of all, let me say, your schedule is way too empty and your mental capabilities are far too under utilised if you have time to make pronouncements on other women's bodies as if the struggle isn't hard enough. There is no such thing as the perfect body! You like Beyonce?  You think she's got the perfect butt? Kid Rock doesn't think so! She is a beautiful woman but she poops too and her excrement probably gets stinky too sometimes - just like yours, just like that girl you and your friends were dissing just because her beautiful doesn't jibe with yours. Who died and made you God?

I'm a big girl and I enjoy living in my pear shaped body. I love the idea that thunder claps from my thighs - how magical is that? My best friend is a model, she's really tall and exotic looking I doubt she's ever worn anything larger than a UK size 4 ( 32 here in Africa ). But we have the same struggles with men, we go out together and we come back with more or less the same number of So-can-I-call-you-sometime requests. We meet lots of people  ( only because planet Earth is teeming with them ) and we've never had to justify our decision to become friends to any men - no, wait, there was that 1 guy who suggested a mènage à trois because was excited by the contrast - it's usually the women who have remarks to make. None have been worthwhile, we generally don't do people who are not too bright. And that's what you are if you're still body shaming! Reminds me of a song I learnt in Primary school, the lyrics were thus: MY BODY'S NOBODY'S BODY BUT MINE... YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BODY LEAVE ME AND MINE! *drops the mic*

Stop it now...

Jealousy or Envy * I don't know the difference * is called the green eyed MONSTER for a reason. I've never actually seen a monster and I don't watch very much sci- fi and horror but from nursery school rhymes and books, monsters are generally not the kind of things you want lurking around. Understand this your mind and heart are the 2 most important organs in your body physically and spirituality. And you need to guard them as you would your house, your car or your kids. So... Imagine a monster, an ugly gory one and think of how many people or situations that you are currently jealous of or speaking negatively of. Be honest, I mean, the girl you went to high school with who wasn't *in your opinion* particularly beautiful who is now married to that hot rich guy? What do you think of her? What do you and your friends say about her after a few glasses of wine? The girl who doesn't have a degree who now has a cushy job that you would love to have? What do you think of her? Do you celebrate them or do you look for the negatives and focus on those? Every time you feel that pang of jealousy arise in you, every time you deem someone unworthy of any good in their lives you feed an ugly monster in your heart and in your mind! Every time you speak negatively about a person you make that monster bigger and stronger especially when you form friendships based on the mutual hate of a person: all you and your new friend do is sit around feeding monsters... Its fun in the beginning, but have you noticed how those types of friendships never a) last and b) end well? Thats because you can only feed a monster so much before it turns on you and you become its prey. You see all prayers are answered sometimes directly sometimes indirectly and God or The Universe is ALWAYS watching and listening to us, not just when we get into prayerful postures, so what we say when we are actually "praying" and when we are not is all prayer! So if you want things to be well with you, you need to wish your fellow man well. Have you ever wished / prayed for a thing and suddenly you find that everyone has it but you? Then you have a choice of either to hate everyone who has what you want and feed the monster and the more you spend time with the monster the less your chances of ever getting that thing become. Or you get that thing and it brings you absolutely no joy... That's the monster eating you up because you entertained it and now you have to constantly feed it! Or have you ever complimented someone on a pair of earrings or shoes and they respond by giving that item to you sometimes without you even having to ask? Which scenario would you like more of in your life? Ok sho love you bye

L.O.V.E.

I'm sure I have told the story of the passing of my babies somewhere on this blog. If I haven't sorry I'm too happy to discuss it today. What I will say is that those 2 incidents were the worst and best things that have ever happened to me. Would I do it again? NO I would take the lessons any day and nix the actual occurences. What did learn? Oooh thank you for asking that's my favorite question to answer.

Well, I learned God. I didn't learn ABOUT him I learned HIM/HER/IT/WE/US what ever how ever you define God *trust me you do* that's lesson 1. I haven't mastered it yet because God is everything in everything to everyone. Make sense? I hope so. If not pick up that gem of a book by Neale Donald Walsch Conversations With God 1, 2, or 3 same difference God will direct you to the perfect one for you where you and he will, with your consent of course, rediscover just how intimately interlocked and enmeshed you are. Side bar - if the Creator of this whole thing we call life respects you to the point of requiring your consent to introduce himself to you do you see how valuable you are? How beautiful must you be that the God who paints sunsets and seashores wants nothing more than to converse with you? You reading this right now to him *I prefer to think of him as a dude because I love dudes* you're perfect, your big bum, knocked knees, cankles, acne blemished skin, unemployed, uneducated, can't find or keep a man or woman, dead end job, HIV positive, broke self is just beautiful to him for reasons best known to him which he will reveal to you if you let him. Everything you have been through everything you are going through now and everything that is still going to come your way is right and those tears that anger ,mistrust ,betrayal, grief, shame ugh whatever it is that is plaguing you I ask you to turn it over to him right now no ceremony or special words needed he is so informal he's worse than white people wearing shorts and flip flops to church... I digress.
God was lesson 1. Lesson 2: LOVE!!! I wasn't a particularly sour person to begin with but I did have a bitchy side, I didn't think it was that bad but I had still possibly do have the ability to cut with my words. I saw this over the weekend where I had the best Valentines day ever celebrating my bff's birthday. I saw people I hadn't seen in a while and we were swimming in those boozy bottles and our lips got loose. I love loose lips the best conversations happen I live for epic conversations because I love people. The stories of despicable things I had said to them were outrageous! But we laughed we hugged we danced we all left uplifted that's love. I still diss everyone and everything but its Sassy now no longer bitchy although I still have a quick temper, I love and accept myself and then they say I'm glowing (one of my favorite compliments to receive) and my only secret is love. Open your heart you'll be glad you did. Love enabled my friends to tease me mercilessly (those girls are hilarious) about that guy who was supposed to be my date but dropped me with the lamest excuse ever. Rejection has never been so funny... See how powerful love is? Few hours later I had another BETTER date hotness, manners and all! OMG!

This post is like that thing Jesus said when they asked him about the most important commandment!!!! I'll just polish my halo thank you very much I LOVE YOU thank you for reading go kiss somebody, sing your favorite song its life darling none of us makes it out alive!

Oopsy Daisy!

Hey sweetie how are you today? Good I hope because today I feel like getting real with myself and you get to sit and watch *read* me do it. Now the same rule as all other posts applies: DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU GOSSIPING this is not rumor-mill fodder its heal-your -heart fodder because we wanna be beautiful which is a function of what's happening inside of us. Ok? Cool.

I haven't reached the point where I automatically love and forgive myself after I make a mistake. My instinct is still to beat myself up, berate, dress down and generally self destruct after I mess up. To my credit however, the beat down doesn't last forever as it used to my inner Joy who no longer puts up with unpleasantness quickly rushes to my aid with compassion *for myself, yes I'm worthy* , love *I deserve that too* and understanding *my favorite one*. Then Inner Joy asks me to sit still and acknowledge my feelings no matter how irrational and to ask the Holy Spirit or whoever you believe goes with you what the lesson is / was *old stuff still comes up from time to time*. Y'all know how sneaky the Holy Spirit is, sometimes the answer will be in the lyrics of a song, a line from a movie, a tag-line from an advert sometimes even a conversation that I over hear. I love that guy, he's so unpredictable! And in that instant I am able to laugh about my mistake, atone for it if there's a need, apologize even to those I feel don't deserve it and GROW from it. See, the mistake is a good thing its an opportunity to grow, the trick is to learn from it. So I can forgive myself for dating that guy who was on drugs, I can forgive myself for the divorce, I can even forgive myself for putting that guy ahead of my career, that girl I called all sorts of unpleasant things, anything you want to accuse or judge me of, the 2 baby daddies you can call me a whore if you like: I'm not. This embracing of mistakes is so freeing! I still believe in love, I deserve to love and be loved even to be married and you can count that I have given birth 4 times and guess what: I still wanna have a baby girl, twin girls with my husband *I do wanna get married again because love rocks and I believe in marriage whole-heartedly*. See! What else can you say of me? Nothing. I own it! I own it all, and I strive now to do better and that makes me feel better ergo I'm on an upward trajectory of better-ness. Will I make more mistakes? Hell yeah, there's 1 I'm in the process of cleaning up right now ( someone I ought to forgive but I don't want to yet kinda situation) , I'm leaving for Johannesburg in a few days I'm probably gonna make a few there *nothing intentional or malicious, its just Valentines day / my BFF's party and my new Tingz, anything can happen*. I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna grow it's gonna be awesome! Luv you!!!!

Amazeballs Maturity

Happy 2015 err'body! On my mind today is the beauty of friendships, I have so many purely because I have been alive for so many years that some need to be elevated to the status of SISTASHIPS. It has been a long held dream of mine to coin a phrase, I don't know if this is it but I'm sure you understand that today I am excited about the super deep super long and as a result super intimate relationships I have formed with certain women I have met on my life's journey. I'm an only child, so one of the things I struggle with in life is forming bonds with people.

The thing is loneliness doesn't bother me. No wait, ALONE-NESS doesn't bother me. I enjoy being alone with my thoughts in fact I'm alone in a park somewhere right now... Loneliness however is that craving for quality company and when I think about it that's what has bothered me since I was yay high. That's probably why I have so many people I call friend. I don't do people who say they have none because since I have known God he has been churning out new people every single day by the thousands, in fact Norah Jones says there are 9 million bicycles in Beijing! Imagine how many people on the planet that is! Amazeballs indeed.

The subjects of friendships is on my mind today because its truly astounding that a person who owes you absolutely nothing can decide to link themselves with you and be prepared to withstand your quirks, your stupidity, your scandalous-ness and your downright ratchetness. And you willingly withstand theirs.

I am not a good friend in the classical sense of the word: I mean I'm a good person *most of the time* but my life experience hasn't been such that I can drop everything to be at my friend's side when shit hits the fan because: Geography and there was that time when I was financially dependant on some one whose priorities were not mine but some of my Sistaships withstood all that. There are funerals and weddings that I haven't attended for whatever reason but these girls love me still! That's beautiful. Cherish your sisterships and friendships, you never know who your potential sister-friend may be so how about we get rid of the PHD *pull her down* syndrome in 2015? Think long and hard before you shaft a sista...