Be My Valentine... Actually no. Never mind

I'm the worst!  I swear I'm so addicted to love especially Hollywood love. I've watched Armageddon at least a million times and I still cry EVERY single time! Weddings?  I totally adore them except the vows always end with me weeping, sometimes it's joy that other time it was because the groom's secretly pregnant side chick was in the church. So typically I'm one of those red roses pink outfit chicks on Valentine's Day. Strangely I don't like to be given chocolate as a gift - for any occasion - don't do it, I don't even care if it's the expensive kind, I don't dig it.

This then reminded me of past Valentine's Days and the best was by far 2014 when I took myself out to watch 50 Shades of Grey ALONE because I had gotten dumped by silent treatment the day before. I got so deliciously drunk courtesy of some cheap Rosè ( I never drink Rosè but I was pressured into buying it trying to act like I was planning a romantic rendezvous in front of work colleagues)... I went to a party that weekend and let's say my Valentine's weekend had a happy ending.

Some other year I'd just had a baby and been talking about "losing baby weight" just talking, I don't know why people take such conversations seriously but I got running shoes for Valentine's Day! The flood of tears that followed shame poor guy: there are tears then there are postpartum-hormonal-lonely-bitch tears! No wonder that relationship ended I think I really freaked him out that day.  He offered to return them I can't remember why I refused but I cried for a whole week after he'd given them to me and started using them a month later during that hot minute when I was working out.  I told you I'm the worst! 

My all time low though was that time when I wasn't making good choices... So I gave him money and hinted at a gift. He bought a cheaper version of what I was hinting at and used the rest on drugs!  His not mine! Rejoice!  Your love life couldn't possibly be worse than mine please pat yourself on the back and any time you feel you've been a fool be reminded of me please!

What did I learn though?  I learned that Hollywood isn't real and I needed to let go of the fantasy. I learned also that it's not the gifts that make or break Valentine's Day because this one time I got a dozen red roses but the man disappeared and resurfaced 2 days later claiming to have gone to an "emergency funeral" of his brother's uncle's cousin's cousin. 

Gifts are nice. Extremely so. Intimacy is even better though. I know you can't brag EFFECTIVELY on Instagram about intimacy but which matters more?  If you can have both you're definitely #Blessed and I for one celebrate you in advance.

I love LOVE. I love to give love I'm learning how to receive love these days and boy is it a journey. I still think love letters are hands down thee most romantic gesture ever, alas I've never received one.  But I'm open. Laughter too!  It's kinda hard to sit there laughing with someone and not feel a certain closeness to them. So I am still the incurable romantic I've always been, just deeper.  More real. More open, accepting and receptive to all the shades of love that I currently have the privilege to benefit from these days.

AGM

The end of the year. I don't do resolutions, I have the concentration span of a flea so I don't like to bother myself with shit I suck at.  What I do though is take stock. I work on my personal credo so I know when I'm performing under par because I am my own CEO it's important that Brand Joy Zulu always stays true to its founding principles especially because Joy is a lush. There's nothing worse than a person who does and says stuff and blames it on the alcohol. So I'm sharing 10 of the 50 questions I ask myself as well as my endeavours to answer. Feel free to add to my list. You're welcome to come up with your own answers.  What I don't need is an assessment of my answers. I am me. You are you. Okay?

1. What activity in your life lights up your life? 
Conversations. There's an aspect of Advocacy and a whole Lotta Communication in my job description. If those 2 words don't appear, that job is not for me. I love using my Joy ZuluNess to make people reconsider old beliefs. I only do worthy causes so you should listen when I speak 😝... I would!

2. What is something you always love doing, even when you are tired or rushed. Why?
Encourage and Motivate.  I went for the longest time hating everything about myself. I hate seeing that in other people. If I can make you smile during any interaction or encounter with me I feel God hugging me and angels high 5ing me while blowing kisses. I do piss people off though. Everybody does. It don't get deeper. 1 apology is enough people who expect more than 1 drain me. I don't do them.

3. If a relationship or job makes you unhappy do you choose to leave or stay? 
I LEAVE!!! I don't believe that misery is beneficial for anything and anybody. I don't believe in Martyrdom either. My face looks better with a smile on it anyway. And I like my smiles genuine.

4. What do you fear about leaving a bad job or a bad relationship? 
Giving up just before the miracle time is 3 months for a job. 1 month for a relationship. I'm lying for a relationship it's actually 2 weeks. This is why most of my break ups are amicable: I don't wait for a person to completely desecrate, decimate, decapitate and dismember my emotions. If I catch a whiff of disinterest I immediately set about freeing you. Sometimes I don't even bother with a break up speech: the begging is unnerving,  WORSE if he doesn't even begin to try to pretend to beg. It's weird. So is life!

5. What do you believe is possible for you?
Absolutely any and EVERYTHING GOOD!  this new friend and I were discussing one of many business ventures and he said "oh you're going into ****** now?  Seems like there is no career that you don't want!" I don't think he meant it as a compliment but I thanked him for it because if I have an interest and flair for a certain thing I'm willing to explore it.  What's the point of being multi-talented and not exploring avenues? Life is a journey, Homey,  it's imperative to make it as exciting and exhilarating as possible!

6. What have you done in your life that you are most proud of?
Healing myself. Learning love.  Depression runs in my family. My gorgeous cousin died of it. The way we are raised lends itself very easily to Depression. We grew up getting beatings. Sometimes you wouldn't even be allowed to cry afterwards. Anything and everything could earn you a beat down. Everything was a weapon: hands,  belts, wooden spoons,  whips, twigs from trees... How do you feel safe in that environment?  I'm not 100% clear and I do have dark days but I've made immense strides.  Thank you Jesus Christ and Meditation.

7. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?
A legacy of LOVE.  I went to a friend's mother's funeral a day before my birthday this year. I cried from start to finish touched, inspired and challenged because all the speakers highlighted the incomparable love she had for her husband, her children, other people, other people's children, her grandchildren and so on.  I was in awe because that is what I want people to say about me. That interaction was my most profound of 2016. The process of healing is ongoing. Kinda like how we need to bath / shower every single day of our lives. I didn't know his mother. I literally met her the day she died.  Her funeral was the first time I the guts to go to the cemetery since 2012 when I buried my baby boy. I healed of that barrier that day. I just stood there crying. It felt good. I was there to comfort another family, yet it was I who got the most comfort that day. I love the way God  does things like that.

8. How does your being here in the Universe change humanity for the better?
Positive vibes. I am Light and I am Love. Truth, Beauty, Compassion and Kindness. I try to take these everywhere with me. I love people. I wish they loved, accepted and forgave themselves more readily. This is my story.  This is my song. All day everyday!

9. If you could have 1 single wish granted what would it be?
LOTTERY WIN!  R30 MILLION... definitely! I hate doing and saying stuff for money. R30mn because I could turn it into R30bn really easily and never be bothered with humdrum stuff like recharging airtime and electricity. I like having my own money. Rich husband is not a thing for me. I prefer kind husband, faithful husband, loving husband, funny & smart husband as well as devoted husband. Hot husband would be an awesome bonus although I have only ever been with 1 ugly guy... It's safe to assume that if he's my husband he will be hot. 

10. How comfortable are you with your own mortality?
Comfortable enough to acknowledge that in this moment I'm not ready to die.  This is funny considering how I went for years asking God to kill me in my sleep... My first thought was to curse my existence every day. I just started seeing the beauty of life and I want more.  If I were to die though, I know it would be the start of a most wonderful journey because I'd finally have the answers. I still want to know why my babies died. I suspect someone was behind it,  the coincidences were too many.  I know I will have a name and a reason. If there's a way to send clues and messages I would totally busy myself with that as well as playing pranks on my Inner circle and my kids, just to put smiles on their faces. And they'll know it's me because nobody loves a good joke more than me!

Are you still reading?  I love you for that. You'll find me in 2017... Unless you're calling with delivery details of cases of Champagne and perfume and jewelry and flowers and music. And sex. 😝  And money making projects I'm not interested in anything else 😘😘😘

Let's Not Talk About God

Let's not talk about God. I fully intend to not even begin to use "his" name as I write this. Whatever this will become - a published piece on my blog or an abandoned scribble - I hope to not use that name. Let me first put my cards on the table. Confession 1: I'm a Christian *gasp* close your mouth flies may get in. I drink, I smoke, fuck and shit are among my favourite words, I make highly questionable choices *stop it! Being a Christian isn't one of them* but it is what it is and I am what I am, it's actually none of your business. Confession 2: I'm going through something, not a devastating something but a situation that requires me to tell some hard truths to people I don't care to hurt. Confession 3: I have been so wrapped up in the dramedy that is my life that I'm writing this to centre myself and so some things you read here if you choose to continue will downright confuse you. Sorry... not sorry.

Okay so a whole lot of my friends have been going through stuff. Thinking about their pain right now is bringing tears to my eyes. I have deliberately been quiet. By quiet I mean sending messages to let them know they are loved but I've been saving my words. No bible verses have been quoted, no flowery prose has been penned by my skillful sword ; I have been quiet. I care and I care A LOT! It is this care that has been the major reason for my stillness. Why?  Because I want my friends to heal. I wish my friends wholeness I want my friends to look at these devastating moments that they are enduring right now, at some point in the future as their rebirth. I want my friends to learn their lessons ( not in that punitive accusatory way that we've grown to assign to lesson learning but in that calm, peaceful, victorious spirit kinda like the feeling you get when you pass a grade or get a degree ). I hope they find their way back to light. That darkness can be so stifling and imposing that a lot of us never leave it behind entirely, because we fear that the darkness is more powerful than us. It isn't. I know this, I haven't forgotten. I want my friends to seek their own definitions, to go down so deep in their pain to the point where they no longer fear. That was the lesson I learned. I let go of the fear and although it still comes back from time to time I've learned to recognise it and pounce on it with decisive action because I know I'm gonna be alright... I really wanna say that name but I'm gonna resist the urge.

My friend lost her son. My friend is watching disease eat away at his mother. My friend got retrenched.  My friend lost her mother. My friend's daughter got raped and left for dead. My friend has been diagnosed with clinical depression. My friend lost her husband of 3 months. My friends will weather these storms. My friends will come out braver in the end. My friends are loved. My friends are not being punished. My friends are seeking answers. My friends are seeking solace. My friends are looking to make the pain go away. My friends want peace. I know someone who has all this and more. I know him because I was in that place of darkness and I was completely taken under. He came and found me. I didn't find him at the prayer line. We didn't meet at the altar. He wasn't in the fever - pitched orations of zealous prayer groups. He was in the quiet. In the stillness. In the silence. I hope my friends find him too.

Grateful

Tonight in this space of questionable sobriety I'm grateful. I'm grateful for not having all the answers because my journey has taught me the power of letting go. I don't think of myself as a control freak, I'm not one of those A type personality type people my default setting is angst cleverly disguised as amicability. People who deal with me need not panic: I enjoy being the diplomatic non threatening fat girl I'm not planning to change and I have no hidden nefarious intentions - rocking the boat is not even on my agenda - I'm just doing the mandatory self audit, that's my secret... that's how I maintain my awesome "don't give a shit/fuck" attitude that you and indeed I have come to love so much. Read Invictus. I explained myself in that other post detailing the deaths of my babies and the divorce. I try to not allow those things define me but they were so decidedly fucked up * sorry I'm not a fan of profanity for profanity's sake but in spite of my best efforts I haven't found better words to describe that chapter* that I could not possibly reintegrate myself to society as a "normal" human being. My faults and failings simply refuse to stay hidden. Sometimes I wish they would. I'm lying. I thoroughly enjoy who I am now. I enjoy that I learned the power of CALM even when I don't seem so I  like that I can apologise when I catch myself mid rage because I've noticed that THAT is a super power. I'm self aware. Oh gosh am I sounding self righteous?  I hope not! My intention is to exhibit my awareness of myself. I'm aware that the only thing in this great big wide world that I have control over is my SELF. Maybe that should be one word mySELF. ME. Because just as much as everything and everybody else matters:  I do too. Is my life perfect?  Not right now. Should you emulate me? Noooooooo! Be you. Control and monitor you. You would be surprised at how much energy monitoring Self takes. It literally leaves zero room for monitoring and evaluating others. I'm such a mess I can't even decide where to start the next paragraph .  Google Invictus. Read The Desiderata. I could edit and polish this post but I don't feel like being clever and witty, sorry for disappointing you I feel like dropping the mic now so I'm not even going to end this post with a full stop 😝 happy Self Auditing

Skeletons Knocking About

Hello Adults! How's life? Good right? Yes, No, kinda sorta maybe?  I don't really want to know anyway! I'm joking I do care that's one of the reasons why I take time to share insights. Not because I'm together, but because we're all a mess and we share pretty much the same struggles so we need to cut each other some slack! Keeping up appearances is so tiring and I'm lazy I really don't like to spend energy on useless pursuits. I really don't!  Ask my exes... I'm joking don't simply because I'm telling you right now and Maya Angelou famously said "When someone shows you who they are: believe them, the first time."

This is the bee that's firmly stuck in my bonnet is how we tend to fear our own narrative and we get upset when somebody other than us tells it. Ooh gosh I need to break it down. We fear our own stories. Our personal HISTORY. You know like if your life was a movie, you wouldn't watch it, you wouldn't script it, you would relinquish all power over your own story simply out of fear. I see you going "no I wouldn't," getting all hoity - toity... stop. Would you include the story of the REAL number of abortions you've had?  Would you add the story of that 3 day visit to the muti man so you would get that job or marry that guy? What about that money you embezzled?  Would you tell that story truthfully ?  What about your fear of abandonment would you talk about that?  Do you even know what your greatest fear is? When last did you visit the skeletons in your closet?  When do you plan to haul them out and Bury or burn them?  Can your closet hold any more? May I suggest a thorough spring clean of your skeletons closet?  Some of the skeletons in there are so old, they are just begging to be put to rest so they can decay and so keep the eco chain going! 

The good news is that you are your own undertaker!  All you have to do is own up to your mistakes, learn from them and forgive yourself. It's okay really it is one of my favourite Iyanla Vanzant quotes is "When you know better, you do better!" Knowing better = learning! A friend took out a loan to help out a boyfriend, I don't remember what he actually said to her, but we found out that he actually took the money and bought his other girlfriend a car! Her ego took a knock but he had promised to service the loan so no harm done, right ? Except he made only 1 payment, proposed to her and refused to pay another cent because he told her that she couldn't be his wife and loan shark at the same time, she had to choose. She chose wife, I don't feel like telling tell he rest of the story but the words 'train smash' aptly describe it. 10 years later she's free of the manipulative creep and although she got blacklisted she learnt the lesson on allowing yourself to be manipulated and the guy she is with now is really friggin awesome! You should hear her tell the story, it's so empowering. The truth is I'd heard it through the grapevine first and she'd reacted very aggressively when I'd asked her about it  ( that's a sure sign of a story that's not being owned ) but just because you're avoiding it doesn't mean other people are too. Quite the opposite actually it's the strangest thing. The minute she owned up to it and reclaimed it as her own story, all the gossip died down. The car is lying in a scrap yard somewhere, the guy is... ain't nobody got time for him he's like on Victim Number 666 yes the number of Satan ( the story still upsets me, she thinks that's hilarious ).

This other girl forged her BCom degree certificate and was caught a few years ago. I used to work with her. For the longest while she was the joke of the town because she was trying so hard to deny the story. She left the town, I recently reconnected with her on Facebook and she's busy with her thesis right now, I checked her profile and there were pictures of her getting her degree in Actuarial Sciences! Who's laughing now?

See everybody makes mistakes and those who rejoice over other people's mistakes are usually those who have more than 1 skeleton closet and they can't bear to be alone with themselves so they fill their lives with noise to drown out the sound of skeleton bones bumping against each other in the closet!  They're also very good at bullying other people but don't fear them they enjoy the smell of fear in the air. What we want is for them to go home and face their skeletons so don't engage them, you'll only be distracting them from the real work they need to do. There is power in owning your story! You could even save somebody least of all yourself! 

It's ALL Good.

Gosh life! The ebbs and flows are worse than any roller coaster ride Disney could ever come up with, simply because you can never tell what's around the corner or even on the horizon the only thing you know is what's litterally in front of you and you have absolutely ZERO control of anything but your reaction! That's doable right? Stupid easy except that we relinquish control of the 1 thing that we have power over and instead opt to try to control the situation and or other people! Think about it: if I ask you to look up right now you'd be able to do that in a nanosecond but if I told you to tell everyone in your family for example to look up that would take HOURS because others would want to know why, others would flat out refuse others would be like "ok I'll do it tomorrow I'm busy right now". Which would you rather?  Maybe I'm just lazy 😟 but I would rather the task that takes a second to complete than the other one hands down anyday! 

I know it's not easy to do, but pain was my greatest teacher. I met a guy on my 18th birthday, he came highly recommended and well you know because raging hormones, we had a son a year later. We got married 7 years later and the fairytale litterally ended before the wedding meal had been digested. We tried though for another 7 or so years and there were factors tearing us apart but we really gave the best that we could based on who we were at the time. In 2010 however our 18 month old daughter who was the most rambunctious girl I have ever seen, I swear Nakho had zero fear, she had hundreds of dolls but she preferred a weird crocodile like toy that used to belong to her brother and of course climbing stuff and just adventure in general. She wandered out one day, she literally climbed up to open the door to the gate and went through to the neighbours adjoining gate which she had taught herself to open *I did say she was adventurous didn't I*, got in and subsequently drowned in their fountain. All this happened in less than 10 minutes. She was still breathing when we found her, just a little bit, but I was so focused on the mouth to mouth, I forgot about the hypothermia which is the danger one in drowning accidents, I'd heard that on an episode of Oprah a few months before and I forgot it, a silly part of me still bangs it's head against a wall anytime I think of it but oh well I saw her little body turn lifeless as we were rushing her to the clinic. But there you go!  At 14:30 she had been getting her hair plaited, at 15:30 she was being pronounced dead. BOOM!  What do you do with that?

Okay, so I conceived shortly after that, but the marriage was beyond salvageable and people grieve differently some find comfort in the arms of other people, I suppose because they give you a break from reality you know like you're able to forget when you're with them, and that's fine too, but the marriage couldn't handle a third so it ended. Even the birth of a baby boy, Nkazimulo 9 months after the death of Nakho couldn't save it. Fast forward to 2012, ironically the 21st of December the day the Mayans predicted the world would end and we were at a friend's house there were at least 7 or 8 kids all different ages running around and stuff that kids do and Mazee as we called him was also in the mix. Now he was a quiet child, friendly but with definite loner tendencies and he wandered off through a door that hadn't been opened for the whole 3 years that the family had lived there. They didn't even know that there was a key for that door but somehow somebody had found it that particular day *it matters not who* and Mazee wandered through and 5 minutes later we found his lifeless body in the pool. Pronounced dead at 15:30 on a Friday, just like his sister. He was also 18 months old.... What do you say?  What do you do?  What the FUCK?

I chose ANGER! It's so easy to be angry and it feels so good when you're raging and you annihilate everything and everybody with just the cutting ability of your words. But then you have to keep pushing yourself to shock people further, make them fear you more so you have to get physical! I  punched a guy and busted his lip *gasp* y'all should see how soft and small my hands are 🙈. Now anger is easy rage feels good while you're seeing red but what about the aftermath?  Not good. I ruined so many things, hurt so many people it came to a point where I just couldn't even look myself in the mirror. NB: anytime you find yourself having beef with everyone in your life please know that the problem is you!  I came across an excerpt of Iyanlah Vanzant talking about her journey of dealing with the death of her daughter that the dam walls broke! Sometimes you need someone to speak their words in order to unlock your pain which you have been struggling to articulate. She knew exactly how I was feeling and gave me hope that nothing was wrong with me and that it wasn't my fault AND there was nothing I could do to prevent or alter the situation except to accept it and make peace with it. Now this is the the thing emotional issues can't be explained with logic. Some things you just have to FEEL.

This is what I'm saying today. Nothing is wrong! There may be things that you are not enamoured with, it's okay there's a lesson that you're learning try to relax around that situation mine it for all the beauty that may be found in it and allow yourself to grow. Someone you're in love with doesn't want you?  That's okay!  Nothing is wrong with you, let them go, IN PEACE, you never know who is around the corner waiting for you to free up your schedule. Disease comes knocking?  It's okay, the human body does that sometimes when it's been loaded to capacity. Make peace with it, allow people to look after you, there is no strength in isolation we are humans we are social beings connection is our greatest need, it's okay to be vulnerable. Whatever is going on have peace! Allow people to be who and what they choose to be that way you get to know the real THEM sooner than when you try to beat them into submission. There is beauty in the world. There is beauty in you. Nothing is wrong with you. Selah.

Of Angels and Blessers

South Africa is trending on Twitter! Any publicity is good publicity I suppose. Maybe people will stop coming to our shores to commit murder and instead commit to other things?  Everybody enjoys sex, our bodies need it according to Facebook surveys and scientific studies which I'm all for because Love Rocks! Now I'm no angel *well I could be under the right circumstances, white lingerie, candle light and such* but SA is trending because of Blesserfinder. I'm sure we all know what that is by now and I'm sure we've had lotsa discussions and drunken discourses about the phenomenon and our opinions are pretty much set at this point so fine, that's neither here nor there.

The page has 57 000 or so followers some looking to Bless, others looking to be Blessed - the lawyer in me hopes everybody is of consenting age *side - eyeing parents because duty lies with them to police Little Johnny and Suzie's social media antics* - and then there are the social voyeurs like me. Let me say: I am not opposed to the idea, it's a dating service with the caveat that Blessers need to bless their Blessees with the agreed upon sums of cash, gifts and trips in exchange for sex or whatever the Blessers requirements may be at the time. I see nothing wrong with that Sugar Daddies have been part of our social fabric for eons and some people even go on to marry their Benefactors. Would I be up for it? Ummmm yes and no. I would LOVE to have a Billionaire boyfriend shower me with stuff I only see on TV. But I would also need him to shower me with his love, affection and attention too. Married men are not my thing I like Monogamy I don't compromise on that, but then of course, not all Blessers are married. Thing is attraction is something tactile for me I like to "experience" a person live and in the flesh before I categorize them. So, cyber romance is not really my thing. To each his own, man! As long as it's legal, as long as it's safe, as long as it's fun for all participants I'm fine with it. The reality of the experiences people have on the site are plain hilarious... here are my favourites.

SUNSHINE

Go figure that I, JOY NONDUMISO NTOMBIYENKOSI ZULU would be sitting here wringing my hands unable to tell my up from my down! I preach love, I preach forgiveness, I preach self - acceptance and I live by those precepts I honestly do. I'm human and alas subject to fluctuating levels of being good to myself. I'm a  romantic at heart despite my aversion to soppy love songs and flowery greeting cards. I love roses - deep red ones - by the dozen only because I'm drawn to the thorns. I like how you have to hold them in a particular way to avoid getting pricked. Perfect analogy for love! I love peacocks because snake venom doesn't affect them, I  mean who would think that such ornate, opulent beauty could be so tough - I like that.

I know it's not Valentine's Day and before you wonder the answer is YES I believe in setting a day aside to celebrate and commemorate LOVE simply because on other days we are too busy with other things and I like how 14/02 forces us to put our focus on lurv. Which brings me to my point. No man, my point has nothing to do with Valentine's day and more to do with "the other things " that we do while navigating life.

We go through so much! Disappointment, Betrayal, Grief, Sorrow - we worry, we get down, we get put down, we struggle, we stifle emotions, we hold back our tears, we say yes to things that we would much rather say no to all in the name of living. We cannot get rid of these things, they are part of the human existence and we are able to handle them! It's called maturity. The thing we forget to do though is to release them after we have handled them. Let me explain.  I'm good at empathising - I weep for other people, I get angry on behalf of other people sometimes I even get depressed on behalf of other people, I even take on other people's bad moods and I have to remind myself that the bad mood is not mine and I mentally disentangle myself from those emotions which is why I don't do moody people, I actually don't understand how you can just wake up and choose to be sour to everyone and anyone for no reason except your mood. So I have my stuff which I tend to neglect because I make other people's stuff a priority. So I end up holding in a lot of stuff and I'm not good at reaching out. That's my m****f****n problem. That's why I was shocked to find that I n I, Queen Joy of the Kingdom of Heaven, fear happiness!  Can you believe it?!!!!! Not only do I fear happiness,  I fear love as well, I'm suspicious of people * MEN* who want nothing more than to see me smile. I don't even know when this started happening,  but I'm grateful to the person who helped me realise it. Now I can go about addressing the situation in hopes of redressing it.

That's why I'm wringing my hands. Someone I used to date in my University days was talking about meeting up with me soon. I had nothing to offer but excuses. I made excuses about having too many kids, I made excuses about how I had changed because of all the things I had been through and I was basically giving him reasons not to want me! I'm ashamed. When did my opinion of myself become so low? I'm such a confident person? Tears are falling down my eyes right now, cleansing tears of release. I'm so grateful to this guy for daring to force me to see good in myself. I am not my mistakes, I am not the reason why that guy *more than 1 guy* lied and cheated on me, I did not deserve the physical abuse, I should never have believed those verbally abusive remarks. I'm glad I got my physical self out of those situations now I'm freeing myself emotionally. I deserve that and I'm willing to trust God and open myself to HAPPYNESS. And LOVE. Because I'm worth it. YESSSSS!

Nobody's Anybody's Body

If you're reading this, allow me to assume that you're a human being - not an alien or a robot, or maybe you are - that fact that you're visible and have taken time to read words on a screen I would like to assume further that you have a body. And I hope you dress, clothe and feed said body. So I  don't think I'm wrong to believe that you care for your Body. As you should because it's yours and I would like to salute the awesomeness that is that Body of yours. * GASP* Yes, I said it YOUR BODY IS AWESOME! Your mind is probably scanning the validity of this assertion right now, and I'm asking you to ignore for a second and stay with me.

Let it sink in, shift your body around a little bit and allow your Body to be awesome. I mean you're just reading this and your eyes are doing a million awesome things in conjunction with your brain and all this is eliciting an emotional response which is entirely peculiar to you - Boredom is an emotional response too and I'll take it because you're plugged in and that's awesome! Then your lungs are busy expanding and contracting and regardless of whether this is happening painlessly or not - Baby, it's going down! Particles of air just coming in and out at the perfect speed and quantity for whatever it is that you're doing right now. All this while your heart, which despite being situated in your chest is conducting the perfect symphony, directing that crimson liquid that courses through your veins to every possible extremity to keep the show running. Aren't you in Awe? 

What does it matter that you have stretch marks? Will the removal of your stretch marks improve your sight in any way? Maybe you feel it will improve your life and you'll be able to attract the man of your dreams then you'll be the envy of all the women in the world. Maybe. But I've never heard anyone say 'OMG I'm so gonna marry X because she doesn't have stretch marks' or an employer stating 'Yes Ms Zulu you are being hired and given a pay raise because we love how you don't have stretch marks'. When was the last time your kids threw their arms around and exclaimed 'Oh Mom you're the best mother in the world because you have zero stretch marks!'. Maybe your issue isn't stretch marks. Maybe you think your body is too short, too tall, too dark, too light, big bum, no bum, thunder thighs, mosquito thighs, flat abs, pudgy belly, thigh gap, no gap - What does it matter?

I'm not saying don't put in any effort, I'm simply saying there is no reason to postpone loving and appreciating your body right now, this very moment and every moment thereafter. Ok? Done.

Now. Other people's bodies. First of all, let me say, your schedule is way too empty and your mental capabilities are far too under utilised if you have time to make pronouncements on other women's bodies as if the struggle isn't hard enough. There is no such thing as the perfect body! You like Beyonce?  You think she's got the perfect butt? Kid Rock doesn't think so! She is a beautiful woman but she poops too and her excrement probably gets stinky too sometimes - just like yours, just like that girl you and your friends were dissing just because her beautiful doesn't jibe with yours. Who died and made you God?

I'm a big girl and I enjoy living in my pear shaped body. I love the idea that thunder claps from my thighs - how magical is that? My best friend is a model, she's really tall and exotic looking I doubt she's ever worn anything larger than a UK size 4 ( 32 here in Africa ). But we have the same struggles with men, we go out together and we come back with more or less the same number of So-can-I-call-you-sometime requests. We meet lots of people  ( only because planet Earth is teeming with them ) and we've never had to justify our decision to become friends to any men - no, wait, there was that 1 guy who suggested a mènage à trois because was excited by the contrast - it's usually the women who have remarks to make. None have been worthwhile, we generally don't do people who are not too bright. And that's what you are if you're still body shaming! Reminds me of a song I learnt in Primary school, the lyrics were thus: MY BODY'S NOBODY'S BODY BUT MINE... YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BODY LEAVE ME AND MINE! *drops the mic*

Stop it now...

Jealousy or Envy * I don't know the difference * is called the green eyed MONSTER for a reason. I've never actually seen a monster and I don't watch very much sci- fi and horror but from nursery school rhymes and books, monsters are generally not the kind of things you want lurking around. Understand this your mind and heart are the 2 most important organs in your body physically and spirituality. And you need to guard them as you would your house, your car or your kids. So... Imagine a monster, an ugly gory one and think of how many people or situations that you are currently jealous of or speaking negatively of. Be honest, I mean, the girl you went to high school with who wasn't *in your opinion* particularly beautiful who is now married to that hot rich guy? What do you think of her? What do you and your friends say about her after a few glasses of wine? The girl who doesn't have a degree who now has a cushy job that you would love to have? What do you think of her? Do you celebrate them or do you look for the negatives and focus on those? Every time you feel that pang of jealousy arise in you, every time you deem someone unworthy of any good in their lives you feed an ugly monster in your heart and in your mind! Every time you speak negatively about a person you make that monster bigger and stronger especially when you form friendships based on the mutual hate of a person: all you and your new friend do is sit around feeding monsters... Its fun in the beginning, but have you noticed how those types of friendships never a) last and b) end well? Thats because you can only feed a monster so much before it turns on you and you become its prey. You see all prayers are answered sometimes directly sometimes indirectly and God or The Universe is ALWAYS watching and listening to us, not just when we get into prayerful postures, so what we say when we are actually "praying" and when we are not is all prayer! So if you want things to be well with you, you need to wish your fellow man well. Have you ever wished / prayed for a thing and suddenly you find that everyone has it but you? Then you have a choice of either to hate everyone who has what you want and feed the monster and the more you spend time with the monster the less your chances of ever getting that thing become. Or you get that thing and it brings you absolutely no joy... That's the monster eating you up because you entertained it and now you have to constantly feed it! Or have you ever complimented someone on a pair of earrings or shoes and they respond by giving that item to you sometimes without you even having to ask? Which scenario would you like more of in your life? Ok sho love you bye

L.O.V.E.

I'm sure I have told the story of the passing of my babies somewhere on this blog. If I haven't sorry I'm too happy to discuss it today. What I will say is that those 2 incidents were the worst and best things that have ever happened to me. Would I do it again? NO I would take the lessons any day and nix the actual occurences. What did learn? Oooh thank you for asking that's my favorite question to answer.

Well, I learned God. I didn't learn ABOUT him I learned HIM/HER/IT/WE/US what ever how ever you define God *trust me you do* that's lesson 1. I haven't mastered it yet because God is everything in everything to everyone. Make sense? I hope so. If not pick up that gem of a book by Neale Donald Walsch Conversations With God 1, 2, or 3 same difference God will direct you to the perfect one for you where you and he will, with your consent of course, rediscover just how intimately interlocked and enmeshed you are. Side bar - if the Creator of this whole thing we call life respects you to the point of requiring your consent to introduce himself to you do you see how valuable you are? How beautiful must you be that the God who paints sunsets and seashores wants nothing more than to converse with you? You reading this right now to him *I prefer to think of him as a dude because I love dudes* you're perfect, your big bum, knocked knees, cankles, acne blemished skin, unemployed, uneducated, can't find or keep a man or woman, dead end job, HIV positive, broke self is just beautiful to him for reasons best known to him which he will reveal to you if you let him. Everything you have been through everything you are going through now and everything that is still going to come your way is right and those tears that anger ,mistrust ,betrayal, grief, shame ugh whatever it is that is plaguing you I ask you to turn it over to him right now no ceremony or special words needed he is so informal he's worse than white people wearing shorts and flip flops to church... I digress.
God was lesson 1. Lesson 2: LOVE!!! I wasn't a particularly sour person to begin with but I did have a bitchy side, I didn't think it was that bad but I had still possibly do have the ability to cut with my words. I saw this over the weekend where I had the best Valentines day ever celebrating my bff's birthday. I saw people I hadn't seen in a while and we were swimming in those boozy bottles and our lips got loose. I love loose lips the best conversations happen I live for epic conversations because I love people. The stories of despicable things I had said to them were outrageous! But we laughed we hugged we danced we all left uplifted that's love. I still diss everyone and everything but its Sassy now no longer bitchy although I still have a quick temper, I love and accept myself and then they say I'm glowing (one of my favorite compliments to receive) and my only secret is love. Open your heart you'll be glad you did. Love enabled my friends to tease me mercilessly (those girls are hilarious) about that guy who was supposed to be my date but dropped me with the lamest excuse ever. Rejection has never been so funny... See how powerful love is? Few hours later I had another BETTER date hotness, manners and all! OMG!

This post is like that thing Jesus said when they asked him about the most important commandment!!!! I'll just polish my halo thank you very much I LOVE YOU thank you for reading go kiss somebody, sing your favorite song its life darling none of us makes it out alive!

Oopsy Daisy!

Hey sweetie how are you today? Good I hope because today I feel like getting real with myself and you get to sit and watch *read* me do it. Now the same rule as all other posts applies: DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU GOSSIPING this is not rumor-mill fodder its heal-your -heart fodder because we wanna be beautiful which is a function of what's happening inside of us. Ok? Cool.

I haven't reached the point where I automatically love and forgive myself after I make a mistake. My instinct is still to beat myself up, berate, dress down and generally self destruct after I mess up. To my credit however, the beat down doesn't last forever as it used to my inner Joy who no longer puts up with unpleasantness quickly rushes to my aid with compassion *for myself, yes I'm worthy* , love *I deserve that too* and understanding *my favorite one*. Then Inner Joy asks me to sit still and acknowledge my feelings no matter how irrational and to ask the Holy Spirit or whoever you believe goes with you what the lesson is / was *old stuff still comes up from time to time*. Y'all know how sneaky the Holy Spirit is, sometimes the answer will be in the lyrics of a song, a line from a movie, a tag-line from an advert sometimes even a conversation that I over hear. I love that guy, he's so unpredictable! And in that instant I am able to laugh about my mistake, atone for it if there's a need, apologize even to those I feel don't deserve it and GROW from it. See, the mistake is a good thing its an opportunity to grow, the trick is to learn from it. So I can forgive myself for dating that guy who was on drugs, I can forgive myself for the divorce, I can even forgive myself for putting that guy ahead of my career, that girl I called all sorts of unpleasant things, anything you want to accuse or judge me of, the 2 baby daddies you can call me a whore if you like: I'm not. This embracing of mistakes is so freeing! I still believe in love, I deserve to love and be loved even to be married and you can count that I have given birth 4 times and guess what: I still wanna have a baby girl, twin girls with my husband *I do wanna get married again because love rocks and I believe in marriage whole-heartedly*. See! What else can you say of me? Nothing. I own it! I own it all, and I strive now to do better and that makes me feel better ergo I'm on an upward trajectory of better-ness. Will I make more mistakes? Hell yeah, there's 1 I'm in the process of cleaning up right now ( someone I ought to forgive but I don't want to yet kinda situation) , I'm leaving for Johannesburg in a few days I'm probably gonna make a few there *nothing intentional or malicious, its just Valentines day / my BFF's party and my new Tingz, anything can happen*. I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna grow it's gonna be awesome! Luv you!!!!

Amazeballs Maturity

Happy 2015 err'body! On my mind today is the beauty of friendships, I have so many purely because I have been alive for so many years that some need to be elevated to the status of SISTASHIPS. It has been a long held dream of mine to coin a phrase, I don't know if this is it but I'm sure you understand that today I am excited about the super deep super long and as a result super intimate relationships I have formed with certain women I have met on my life's journey. I'm an only child, so one of the things I struggle with in life is forming bonds with people.

The thing is loneliness doesn't bother me. No wait, ALONE-NESS doesn't bother me. I enjoy being alone with my thoughts in fact I'm alone in a park somewhere right now... Loneliness however is that craving for quality company and when I think about it that's what has bothered me since I was yay high. That's probably why I have so many people I call friend. I don't do people who say they have none because since I have known God he has been churning out new people every single day by the thousands, in fact Norah Jones says there are 9 million bicycles in Beijing! Imagine how many people on the planet that is! Amazeballs indeed.

The subjects of friendships is on my mind today because its truly astounding that a person who owes you absolutely nothing can decide to link themselves with you and be prepared to withstand your quirks, your stupidity, your scandalous-ness and your downright ratchetness. And you willingly withstand theirs.

I am not a good friend in the classical sense of the word: I mean I'm a good person *most of the time* but my life experience hasn't been such that I can drop everything to be at my friend's side when shit hits the fan because: Geography and there was that time when I was financially dependant on some one whose priorities were not mine but some of my Sistaships withstood all that. There are funerals and weddings that I haven't attended for whatever reason but these girls love me still! That's beautiful. Cherish your sisterships and friendships, you never know who your potential sister-friend may be so how about we get rid of the PHD *pull her down* syndrome in 2015? Think long and hard before you shaft a sista...

The Blame Game

Do you believe that you're powerful? Do you know how strong you truly are? Do you know that God respects your decisions? Do you know that you have a choice at all times in all situations in your life? Believe it honey because it's true! Feels good right? Until you give your power over to someone else by allowing your self to see yourself as a victim. Hold on now I'm in no way suggesting that there are no instances where we become victimized through no doing of our own like if you get raped or burglarized or murdered there you become victimized but you can choose to not become a victim. The difference is in your attitude.

We have control over ourselves, our actions, our beliefs, our attitudes and our responses to external stimuli. Any time that you look back on a situation and blame someone else for your present condition, you have officially given away your power. Now think of that person or situation that you blame and ask yourself is that really who you want to be controlling your life? What makes them better qualified at running the show than you? Is that really what you want for yourself? Does that person or situation have your best interests at heart? I hope the answer is no, if it's yes I send my sincerest condolences to you, you may as well swing by the nearest funeral parlor and pick out your coffin right now. God brought you into the world fully equipped with a state of the art device built into you called Free Will! That's why he doesn't strike you down when you behave badly, that's why he doesn't force people to love him or believe in him. If any body tells you otherwise they are lying please choose to disengage from that toxic person, they are not beneficial to you in any. Similar to people who like to control people and situations. Now I must say that I have been guilty of trying to control and force people to do things my way I admit it I take full responsibility for the consequences that followed and I am also grateful that I learnt that the "power" I thought I had or the relief I got from getting my way was short lived and ultimately false. I understand where that need to control came from and I had to seek authentic power which comes from running my own show and allowing others to be and see things the way they choose. I feel freer now and there are fewer people and situations that occupy my mind ever since I let go of the need to control and blame others for things I did or said, drunk or sober.

How do we let go you ask? Simple, just decide to, choose to, if there's an apology you need to give just do it, this can be really scary but God gave us Instant messaging and other wonderful means to get messages across the courage for face to face meetings comes with time. Acknowledge your role, the person may have some hard words to say to you don't let them dump on you and victimize you in the process, resist the urge for unnecessary arguments and justifications, the aim is to free yourself and if they choose to stay stuck with guilt trips and other manipulations don't take those on, you have done what was required of you, their happiness is not dependant on you. Similarly, if a person apologizes to you be gracious and accept in this way we all become free to be.

OUCH! it hurts!!!

The silly season is upon us, in SA we like to say"KE DEZEMBER BOSS" *pronounced •kii• •December but we joke around and make a z sound instead of the sss sound• • boss• because although we know and use the term boss appropriately its also a term of endearment for friends and people in general... Ok I suck at explaining language nuances deal with it. Its a happy time, it truly is, Spring and Summer converge and give way to each other in a beautiful way and we have clear sunny days, just when the heat becomes unbearable the heavens open up and just when you're thoroughly wet, out comes the sun again... The nights are just magical our sunsets are breathtaking and our dawns are a sight to behold, *yes Africa is blessed* for this reason we don't sleep, we party, we sit outside, we hobnob! All this is good and thoroughly enjoyable except for those who are grieving.

The word grief tends to be associated with death and rightly so because well death denotes the end. The end of life, the end of love, the end of a state of being, the end is traditionally seen as the snuffing out of hope. This leads to disappointment, depression, frustration, anger and pain. All these are normal and everyone walking the face of the earth has had an encounter with at least 1 if not all of these. They are no fun! Can we be ok with that? Can we allow ourselves and others to sit with any of these and not interrupt the process? Can we? Do we? The other thing about grief in general is that it has no expiry date. We tend to revere people who don't go "down" into the deep of these emotions and we call them strong, I don't know anybody who would be offended at being called strong it's an amazing state to aspire to. However, I think the heroes are those who allow themselves to go down into the deep dark belly of despair and feel it... I didn't say those who WALLOW I'm talking about those who allow their hearts to break, who are not afraid to cry their tears and allow themselves enough compassion to know that although it hurts now, it won't hurt always and they allow themselves to smile during the tears and be content to just breathe when the voice of confusion is shouting at the top of its nasty disempowering voice. Because they know or at least a part of them remembers that hope is never lost, it may be hidden under the rubble of the explosion caused by grief, but its waiting to be discovered at the end of those tears. And that's where the beauty of the end lies...

It ushers in the beginning! Everybody loves a happy ending and that for some situations is the beginning. Wherever you are whatever you're contending with go with it, don't fear the end, rejoice in the beginning. Yay!

The Formula for Forgiveness

Let me just say that I don't know exactly what it is that I'm getting ready to say, but writing is therapeutic and hopefully something coherent will come out of this because I have to get these things off my chest... I'm a Christian so I believe Jesus when he prescribes forgiveness 100% of the time for 100% of everything. The bible also prescribes reconciliation, I am not your pastor so I won't be giving you the verses, you can go check google if you don't have a bible or roll your eyes if you're an atheist: my blog my words - I digress... Anyway Paul's formula is go make things right with the person first and if they apologize accept it and go on your merry way. Paul wasn't the Messiah so he knew how fucked up people can be so he said if the person pisses you off further regarding the same issue THEN you can invite someone else *elders of the church he said* and they can hear both sides and hopefully broker peace... Sometimes this works sometimes it doesn't, some people's fucked-upness knows no bounds so if they still refuse to see the light then you're free to dismiss the person and have no further dealings with them, no it doesn't say nurse a grudge, just stay out of each others way.

I try as hard as I can to live by this, I don't think I hold grudges but sometimes like once or twice I have stopped talking to people just because I like to protect my space from ratchetness. So far I'm aware of 1 person that I don't speak to, she's "family" in that way that Africans believe that having the same surname makes us family... What was her crime? She cursed me out in Zulu. See for some reason English cuss words don't cut as deep as Zulu ones and I'm a good 9 years older than this girl and I don't care whether you're jumping off a cliff or losing your mind I don't tolerate disrespect and she never bothered to come and apologize to me, however I did text that I had forgiven her although I never want her in my space, I had to block her from fb because she would look over my page and go spread gossip about whatever she found there without fact verification, she continues to talk about me but I have told our other"family members" not to answer questions about me from her and not to inform me of whatever she says because I don't acknowledge her existence, you're well within your rights to engage ME on this one, I'm at peace. I don't define that as a grudge.

Now we get to the things that are bothering me... A few people like to reach out to me from time to time so I have to recount those stories so you know what I'm on about. The things our men do to us... Firstly its weird how we forgive and reconcile with our men for cheating on us but we hardly *never* do same with the women they participate with... Just putting that out there. Then we forgive and reconcile with the man who cheats, beats, undermines and generally undermines us time and time again, in most instances brother man is not even your husband or fiance he's just a brutha passing through your life and you allow him to drag you through the manure, only for him to leave you and you get bitter at his new woman and become his side chick... Do we not see? Where is the love there? We should forgive methinks, but we need to love as well and love does not hurt intentionally time and time again. Relationships should be happy for both of us if only one of us is having fun, I don't know what that is but it sure ain't love! I'm not saying bear a grudge against him I'm saying let him go YOU'RE the catch after all the bible says that thing about HE who finds a wife finds a good thing ladies YOU are the good thing please know your worth and treat yourself as such. I mean one of the ladies told me that he had given her HIV and he didn't apologize he told her to do whatever she thought was right... What did she do? All I know is she didn't protect herself from further pain, now she's getting her children outfits for his upcoming wedding, last night he spent the night at her place and they didn't use a condom, she's hoping to fall pregnant... Oh ladies:-(

HEY YOU! errr I mean ME.

So I wrote a post waffling on about acceptance and I don't think I stressed enough the bit about self acceptance. See the primary relationship one has with any being on this Earth second to God, is with oneself. I don't like being told by a guy that he loves me unconditionally because honestly we are humans and it is in our nature to be pleasure-seekers. By that I mean when we feel cold we put on warm clothes, when we feel thirst we quench it, when we feel hunger we eat, when we have an itch duh we scratch it! So if you choose to engage me in a relationship you are looking to get your needs met and yes you may endure a modicum of discomfort depending on your tolerance levels but once that level has been exceeded its only natural for you to jump ship ergo your love/feelings for me are conditional! My love for myself however cannot be conditional because if I decide I have a gripe with myself where can I possibly run to? Therefore I must love, forgive, and accept myself every single time in every single situation. Self love does not mean I don't berate myself when I act in an unbecoming manner, it means I should acknowledge my short coming, forgive myself, make things right if I can and seek/ strive to do better next time. When I have this relationship with myself then I am whole and other people can relax around me. Then and am I ready to introduce myself to other people, knowing that I am not defined by their good/bad opinions of me. Its easy to be yourself around your kids so I will jump straight to how I would introduce ME to a lover.

I'm Joy, I'm a balanced person by that I mean I'm not moody therefore if I'm not smiling it is because something has momentarily disturbed my peace and if I'm not speaking I am probably taking a moment to work stuff out with myself I'm really good at this so the process doesn't take long. My name describes me to a tee so I'm a happy, smiley, shiny person who loves to laugh and have conversations ( you think I write well? You should hear me speak!) I talk to anybody and everybody not in that annoying doesn't shut up way, I'm more can charm a snake off a tree type, I mix well with all sections of society *even the dim ones intrigue me* my only prerequisite is respect *especially from you my potential beau*. I have to dance so whether we dance at home, at your or my friend's braai, in church, music festival, club or bar: NEVER TELL ME TO SIT DOWN! If there's music I dance never make me feel bad for doing something I love and as I told you about my amazeballs way with people, it follows that I make friends really easily people who don't know me well sometimes mistake it for flirting please believe babe it ain't flirting it's charisma. I enjoy the not so occassional tipple, for this reason I only date guys who can match or out do me drink for drink, I don't do teetotalers or guys who do fruity drinks or light weights... You better not be addicted to the stuff, because well nor am I and I no longer have a messiah complex, I will not be the one to save you *sorry I have a teenage son I can't expose him to that*. I'm not averse to cigarette/weed smoking any substance beyond these is not tolerated in my space under no circumstances! I don't do anger very well, I'm working on it but as it stands there's no telling what I will say or do when adequately provoked, someone out there has a story of me burning their clothes *I can neither confirm nor deny this assertion, don't worry your head about that he's alive isn't he?*... I am brave, I have *invisible* balls of steel after all I have survived the funerals of 2 of my children, do not test me! I'm a good cook however the more elaborate the meal, the less inclined I am to wash up. So if dirty overnight dishes get your knickers in a twist don't sulk and spoil the mood just head to the kitchen and handle the situation. I do expect you to apologize with words flowers, perfume and other nice things will be much appreciated AFTER you have said the actual words. My kids come first, I have 2 baby daddies, if I wanted them I would be with them so relax. I don't like to be cheated on, I know it's old fashioned according to today's standards so don't even begin to try the side-chick it's complicated game with me I'm 34 I don't have time to waste. My fb posts are not about you, I promise to tag you when they concern you in any way.... Oh I have been known to snoop, my skills are KGB level what can I say take it or leave it that's what's on the menu hopefully someday I can channel it into a career for now, for the love of all that is good: don't test me! The penalty for slapping or any other untoward touching is a beat down *I went to St Michael's, it's not just a girl's school it's also a street fighting academy*, swiftly followed by jail, this situation can be avoided, don't make your family hate me when I refuse to drop the charges, oh but I guess their feelings for me will no longer concern me as you and I will definitely be through at this point should you ever manhandle me, I do respect a man who has self discipline. Any questions? Tell me about you... I also love a man who knows himself

Can't DEAL!!!

These are the benefits of having a blog I get to rant and rave whenever I want right here! Yeah baby this is my spot and I don't have to care what you will choose to do with whatever your eyes read! No doubt I'm upset however in line with new Zen accepting me I no longer argue with people who don't have a valid point because, face it, if you can't manage your emotions and your issues you are basically fucked and if I engage you I too will be fucked.

We have discussed LIFE previously friends so we all know that all we can do is put our best foot forward and learn so that next time we improve on past less than stellar performances...

So I am an only biological child however I have cousins and relatives and adopted relations. Basically my mom and dad were 40 and 43 respectively when they had me and these were not the days of in vitro and surrogates so they were pretty much resigned to the fact that they would not be having their own child. I only appeared in 1980 and they had gotten hitched in 1974, so they had adopted a child by then and they were raising a relative's child as well.

I understand her issues with me, however I feel our parents did all they could to integrate us, none of us is guilty or at fault for the choices her birth mother made so why must our feet be constantly held to the fire? I know from all that I have been through in life that nobody is a true victim because victim means you have no true ownership in a situation and you literally have nothing to learn or grow from you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Therefore I find it hard to reconcile my birth and her issues with me when all I did was come into the world and be an answer to somebody's prayer. If anyone has an answer please reach out to me, I can't deal with her issues anymore particularly because I have my own that I have taken ownership of and am working towards healing. That'll be all for now

NO LADIES NO!

Women are nurturers and care givers right? If you need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or kind words 9 times out of 10 you reach out to a woman... And we do it so well! We dole out sound advice, we pray and even fast on behalf of others we spend our last dime looking out for others, our kindness to others knows no bounds so that means we know how to take care of situations right? Right... So if we can go to all these lengths for others why can't we look out for ourselves? By ourselves I mean you yourself WENA YOU reading this right now *if you're a woman, I assume*.

This rant is inspired by a frantic message I just received from a friend of a friend who has been involved with her man for 7 years and they have been engaged and living together for the past 6. When I say engaged I mean lobola has been paid all that remains is for them to take an itty bitty stroll down the aisle and for him to put a ring on it. This friend of a friend has begged, cried and pleaded with her guy but the mere mention of marriage makes him very aggressive. She has since managed her expectations and only asks for them to go and make it official at Home Affairs. He agreed 3 months ago and said they would go on a particular date. When said date arrived he found a way to worm out of honoring the promise he made... Now she's confused.

We all know what must happen right? Why is she confused? We all know why he is stalling, she does too but she chooses to believe she is confused. COME ON! How many songs must Beyonce sing about it before we get it? If a man wants you he will do all he can to get and keep you, he will literally move heaven and earth, when a man truly wants you he will beg, buy, steal or borrow anything to be with you! If he doesn't want you well, he will not bother. I think that is what Steve Harvey was trying to tell us, but because we are so good at loving and caring and nurturing others we never know when to stop and give ourselves that love and compassion. Rejection hurts I know, but just because Sipho doesn't want you is not the end of the world! You may find Vusi or Themba are better catches than Sipho anyway. Please girls before you give another iota of your love and kindness won't you please give some to yourself you deserve love, you deserve happiness, you deserve monogamy just refuse to settle PLEASE!

ACCEPT IT ALL

So I've been gone for a while. I have a lot of fixing *read feeling* to do. In African culture we are taught to stifle our feelings as a means to teach us resilience, however unexpressed emotion builds up and like anything that stays past its use-by date it rots. By and large decay is not a good thing even though it's thanks to decay that we have yeast, wine and cheese...

So I have had a few positive things happen in the last few months, most notably I have started work directing, researching, producing and scripting my own film documentary. This has been a healing opportunity because I remember a time when I was confident despite being overweight, I was okay with my body, I was active enough I could dance till dawn and I believed in my capabilities. I got knocked down and rejected many times from auditions and interviews, I didn't see the fear creep in and slowly take over. I got married to my childhood sweetheart and I don't know how he ended up being physically abusive with me. By the time I had buried my 2 babies there was nothing left of me all that remained was the fear, but I had never learned how to deal with emotions so I suppressed it. My life basically stopped working after that, there was just too much rot that the little good which tried to come in became tainted before it had a chance to have a positive impact. Look after yourself don't be afraid to feel stuff, if you have ever cleaned out a fridge or a house or anything that hasn't been aired in a while *years* cleaning it becomes that must harder but also very rewarding when the job is done and you realize that the actual work while not being sunshine and roses was less daunting and more doable than you thought... So how do we clean? Simple. ACCEPTANCE

Our first instinct whenever negative stuff comes up is to avoid, resist and suppress our feelings. For example when I got disappointed by a guy in a relationship I would never admit to being hurt, the last time I cried because of heart break was 1999, I dealt with subsequent heart breaks by drinking and falling into the next guy without pausing. I see the pattern now as when I lost my daughter in August 2010, I was already pregnant by the end of September the following month! I got divorced in 2011, December and was in a new "committed" relationship by April 2012... It had to stop, I had to stop... I had to accept the disappointment face the pain and learn from the lesson of whatever situation had presented itself! So ask yourself what it is you're avoiding? Which feelings do you not allow yourself to feel? Take deep breaths accept the way you feel don't judge yourself allow your heart to break, you won't die I promise, cry those suppressed tears, most importantly ditch blame and forgive yourself and everybody involved and you will see how freeing and stronger that will make you. I'm crying over an ex right now so pray for me too :-*