Be My Valentine... Actually no. Never mind

I'm the worst!  I swear I'm so addicted to love especially Hollywood love. I've watched Armageddon at least a million times and I still cry EVERY single time! Weddings?  I totally adore them except the vows always end with me weeping, sometimes it's joy that other time it was because the groom's secretly pregnant side chick was in the church. So typically I'm one of those red roses pink outfit chicks on Valentine's Day. Strangely I don't like to be given chocolate as a gift - for any occasion - don't do it, I don't even care if it's the expensive kind, I don't dig it.

This then reminded me of past Valentine's Days and the best was by far 2014 when I took myself out to watch 50 Shades of Grey ALONE because I had gotten dumped by silent treatment the day before. I got so deliciously drunk courtesy of some cheap Rosè ( I never drink Rosè but I was pressured into buying it trying to act like I was planning a romantic rendezvous in front of work colleagues)... I went to a party that weekend and let's say my Valentine's weekend had a happy ending.

Some other year I'd just had a baby and been talking about "losing baby weight" just talking, I don't know why people take such conversations seriously but I got running shoes for Valentine's Day! The flood of tears that followed shame poor guy: there are tears then there are postpartum-hormonal-lonely-bitch tears! No wonder that relationship ended I think I really freaked him out that day.  He offered to return them I can't remember why I refused but I cried for a whole week after he'd given them to me and started using them a month later during that hot minute when I was working out.  I told you I'm the worst! 

My all time low though was that time when I wasn't making good choices... So I gave him money and hinted at a gift. He bought a cheaper version of what I was hinting at and used the rest on drugs!  His not mine! Rejoice!  Your love life couldn't possibly be worse than mine please pat yourself on the back and any time you feel you've been a fool be reminded of me please!

What did I learn though?  I learned that Hollywood isn't real and I needed to let go of the fantasy. I learned also that it's not the gifts that make or break Valentine's Day because this one time I got a dozen red roses but the man disappeared and resurfaced 2 days later claiming to have gone to an "emergency funeral" of his brother's uncle's cousin's cousin. 

Gifts are nice. Extremely so. Intimacy is even better though. I know you can't brag EFFECTIVELY on Instagram about intimacy but which matters more?  If you can have both you're definitely #Blessed and I for one celebrate you in advance.

I love LOVE. I love to give love I'm learning how to receive love these days and boy is it a journey. I still think love letters are hands down thee most romantic gesture ever, alas I've never received one.  But I'm open. Laughter too!  It's kinda hard to sit there laughing with someone and not feel a certain closeness to them. So I am still the incurable romantic I've always been, just deeper.  More real. More open, accepting and receptive to all the shades of love that I currently have the privilege to benefit from these days.

AGM

The end of the year. I don't do resolutions, I have the concentration span of a flea so I don't like to bother myself with shit I suck at.  What I do though is take stock. I work on my personal credo so I know when I'm performing under par because I am my own CEO it's important that Brand Joy Zulu always stays true to its founding principles especially because Joy is a lush. There's nothing worse than a person who does and says stuff and blames it on the alcohol. So I'm sharing 10 of the 50 questions I ask myself as well as my endeavours to answer. Feel free to add to my list. You're welcome to come up with your own answers.  What I don't need is an assessment of my answers. I am me. You are you. Okay?

1. What activity in your life lights up your life? 
Conversations. There's an aspect of Advocacy and a whole Lotta Communication in my job description. If those 2 words don't appear, that job is not for me. I love using my Joy ZuluNess to make people reconsider old beliefs. I only do worthy causes so you should listen when I speak 😝... I would!

2. What is something you always love doing, even when you are tired or rushed. Why?
Encourage and Motivate.  I went for the longest time hating everything about myself. I hate seeing that in other people. If I can make you smile during any interaction or encounter with me I feel God hugging me and angels high 5ing me while blowing kisses. I do piss people off though. Everybody does. It don't get deeper. 1 apology is enough people who expect more than 1 drain me. I don't do them.

3. If a relationship or job makes you unhappy do you choose to leave or stay? 
I LEAVE!!! I don't believe that misery is beneficial for anything and anybody. I don't believe in Martyrdom either. My face looks better with a smile on it anyway. And I like my smiles genuine.

4. What do you fear about leaving a bad job or a bad relationship? 
Giving up just before the miracle time is 3 months for a job. 1 month for a relationship. I'm lying for a relationship it's actually 2 weeks. This is why most of my break ups are amicable: I don't wait for a person to completely desecrate, decimate, decapitate and dismember my emotions. If I catch a whiff of disinterest I immediately set about freeing you. Sometimes I don't even bother with a break up speech: the begging is unnerving,  WORSE if he doesn't even begin to try to pretend to beg. It's weird. So is life!

5. What do you believe is possible for you?
Absolutely any and EVERYTHING GOOD!  this new friend and I were discussing one of many business ventures and he said "oh you're going into ****** now?  Seems like there is no career that you don't want!" I don't think he meant it as a compliment but I thanked him for it because if I have an interest and flair for a certain thing I'm willing to explore it.  What's the point of being multi-talented and not exploring avenues? Life is a journey, Homey,  it's imperative to make it as exciting and exhilarating as possible!

6. What have you done in your life that you are most proud of?
Healing myself. Learning love.  Depression runs in my family. My gorgeous cousin died of it. The way we are raised lends itself very easily to Depression. We grew up getting beatings. Sometimes you wouldn't even be allowed to cry afterwards. Anything and everything could earn you a beat down. Everything was a weapon: hands,  belts, wooden spoons,  whips, twigs from trees... How do you feel safe in that environment?  I'm not 100% clear and I do have dark days but I've made immense strides.  Thank you Jesus Christ and Meditation.

7. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?
A legacy of LOVE.  I went to a friend's mother's funeral a day before my birthday this year. I cried from start to finish touched, inspired and challenged because all the speakers highlighted the incomparable love she had for her husband, her children, other people, other people's children, her grandchildren and so on.  I was in awe because that is what I want people to say about me. That interaction was my most profound of 2016. The process of healing is ongoing. Kinda like how we need to bath / shower every single day of our lives. I didn't know his mother. I literally met her the day she died.  Her funeral was the first time I the guts to go to the cemetery since 2012 when I buried my baby boy. I healed of that barrier that day. I just stood there crying. It felt good. I was there to comfort another family, yet it was I who got the most comfort that day. I love the way God  does things like that.

8. How does your being here in the Universe change humanity for the better?
Positive vibes. I am Light and I am Love. Truth, Beauty, Compassion and Kindness. I try to take these everywhere with me. I love people. I wish they loved, accepted and forgave themselves more readily. This is my story.  This is my song. All day everyday!

9. If you could have 1 single wish granted what would it be?
LOTTERY WIN!  R30 MILLION... definitely! I hate doing and saying stuff for money. R30mn because I could turn it into R30bn really easily and never be bothered with humdrum stuff like recharging airtime and electricity. I like having my own money. Rich husband is not a thing for me. I prefer kind husband, faithful husband, loving husband, funny & smart husband as well as devoted husband. Hot husband would be an awesome bonus although I have only ever been with 1 ugly guy... It's safe to assume that if he's my husband he will be hot. 

10. How comfortable are you with your own mortality?
Comfortable enough to acknowledge that in this moment I'm not ready to die.  This is funny considering how I went for years asking God to kill me in my sleep... My first thought was to curse my existence every day. I just started seeing the beauty of life and I want more.  If I were to die though, I know it would be the start of a most wonderful journey because I'd finally have the answers. I still want to know why my babies died. I suspect someone was behind it,  the coincidences were too many.  I know I will have a name and a reason. If there's a way to send clues and messages I would totally busy myself with that as well as playing pranks on my Inner circle and my kids, just to put smiles on their faces. And they'll know it's me because nobody loves a good joke more than me!

Are you still reading?  I love you for that. You'll find me in 2017... Unless you're calling with delivery details of cases of Champagne and perfume and jewelry and flowers and music. And sex. 😝  And money making projects I'm not interested in anything else 😘😘😘

Let's Not Talk About God

Let's not talk about God. I fully intend to not even begin to use "his" name as I write this. Whatever this will become - a published piece on my blog or an abandoned scribble - I hope to not use that name. Let me first put my cards on the table. Confession 1: I'm a Christian *gasp* close your mouth flies may get in. I drink, I smoke, fuck and shit are among my favourite words, I make highly questionable choices *stop it! Being a Christian isn't one of them* but it is what it is and I am what I am, it's actually none of your business. Confession 2: I'm going through something, not a devastating something but a situation that requires me to tell some hard truths to people I don't care to hurt. Confession 3: I have been so wrapped up in the dramedy that is my life that I'm writing this to centre myself and so some things you read here if you choose to continue will downright confuse you. Sorry... not sorry.

Okay so a whole lot of my friends have been going through stuff. Thinking about their pain right now is bringing tears to my eyes. I have deliberately been quiet. By quiet I mean sending messages to let them know they are loved but I've been saving my words. No bible verses have been quoted, no flowery prose has been penned by my skillful sword ; I have been quiet. I care and I care A LOT! It is this care that has been the major reason for my stillness. Why?  Because I want my friends to heal. I wish my friends wholeness I want my friends to look at these devastating moments that they are enduring right now, at some point in the future as their rebirth. I want my friends to learn their lessons ( not in that punitive accusatory way that we've grown to assign to lesson learning but in that calm, peaceful, victorious spirit kinda like the feeling you get when you pass a grade or get a degree ). I hope they find their way back to light. That darkness can be so stifling and imposing that a lot of us never leave it behind entirely, because we fear that the darkness is more powerful than us. It isn't. I know this, I haven't forgotten. I want my friends to seek their own definitions, to go down so deep in their pain to the point where they no longer fear. That was the lesson I learned. I let go of the fear and although it still comes back from time to time I've learned to recognise it and pounce on it with decisive action because I know I'm gonna be alright... I really wanna say that name but I'm gonna resist the urge.

My friend lost her son. My friend is watching disease eat away at his mother. My friend got retrenched.  My friend lost her mother. My friend's daughter got raped and left for dead. My friend has been diagnosed with clinical depression. My friend lost her husband of 3 months. My friends will weather these storms. My friends will come out braver in the end. My friends are loved. My friends are not being punished. My friends are seeking answers. My friends are seeking solace. My friends are looking to make the pain go away. My friends want peace. I know someone who has all this and more. I know him because I was in that place of darkness and I was completely taken under. He came and found me. I didn't find him at the prayer line. We didn't meet at the altar. He wasn't in the fever - pitched orations of zealous prayer groups. He was in the quiet. In the stillness. In the silence. I hope my friends find him too.

Grateful

Tonight in this space of questionable sobriety I'm grateful. I'm grateful for not having all the answers because my journey has taught me the power of letting go. I don't think of myself as a control freak, I'm not one of those A type personality type people my default setting is angst cleverly disguised as amicability. People who deal with me need not panic: I enjoy being the diplomatic non threatening fat girl I'm not planning to change and I have no hidden nefarious intentions - rocking the boat is not even on my agenda - I'm just doing the mandatory self audit, that's my secret... that's how I maintain my awesome "don't give a shit/fuck" attitude that you and indeed I have come to love so much. Read Invictus. I explained myself in that other post detailing the deaths of my babies and the divorce. I try to not allow those things define me but they were so decidedly fucked up * sorry I'm not a fan of profanity for profanity's sake but in spite of my best efforts I haven't found better words to describe that chapter* that I could not possibly reintegrate myself to society as a "normal" human being. My faults and failings simply refuse to stay hidden. Sometimes I wish they would. I'm lying. I thoroughly enjoy who I am now. I enjoy that I learned the power of CALM even when I don't seem so I  like that I can apologise when I catch myself mid rage because I've noticed that THAT is a super power. I'm self aware. Oh gosh am I sounding self righteous?  I hope not! My intention is to exhibit my awareness of myself. I'm aware that the only thing in this great big wide world that I have control over is my SELF. Maybe that should be one word mySELF. ME. Because just as much as everything and everybody else matters:  I do too. Is my life perfect?  Not right now. Should you emulate me? Noooooooo! Be you. Control and monitor you. You would be surprised at how much energy monitoring Self takes. It literally leaves zero room for monitoring and evaluating others. I'm such a mess I can't even decide where to start the next paragraph .  Google Invictus. Read The Desiderata. I could edit and polish this post but I don't feel like being clever and witty, sorry for disappointing you I feel like dropping the mic now so I'm not even going to end this post with a full stop 😝 happy Self Auditing

Skeletons Knocking About

Hello Adults! How's life? Good right? Yes, No, kinda sorta maybe?  I don't really want to know anyway! I'm joking I do care that's one of the reasons why I take time to share insights. Not because I'm together, but because we're all a mess and we share pretty much the same struggles so we need to cut each other some slack! Keeping up appearances is so tiring and I'm lazy I really don't like to spend energy on useless pursuits. I really don't!  Ask my exes... I'm joking don't simply because I'm telling you right now and Maya Angelou famously said "When someone shows you who they are: believe them, the first time."

This is the bee that's firmly stuck in my bonnet is how we tend to fear our own narrative and we get upset when somebody other than us tells it. Ooh gosh I need to break it down. We fear our own stories. Our personal HISTORY. You know like if your life was a movie, you wouldn't watch it, you wouldn't script it, you would relinquish all power over your own story simply out of fear. I see you going "no I wouldn't," getting all hoity - toity... stop. Would you include the story of the REAL number of abortions you've had?  Would you add the story of that 3 day visit to the muti man so you would get that job or marry that guy? What about that money you embezzled?  Would you tell that story truthfully ?  What about your fear of abandonment would you talk about that?  Do you even know what your greatest fear is? When last did you visit the skeletons in your closet?  When do you plan to haul them out and Bury or burn them?  Can your closet hold any more? May I suggest a thorough spring clean of your skeletons closet?  Some of the skeletons in there are so old, they are just begging to be put to rest so they can decay and so keep the eco chain going! 

The good news is that you are your own undertaker!  All you have to do is own up to your mistakes, learn from them and forgive yourself. It's okay really it is one of my favourite Iyanla Vanzant quotes is "When you know better, you do better!" Knowing better = learning! A friend took out a loan to help out a boyfriend, I don't remember what he actually said to her, but we found out that he actually took the money and bought his other girlfriend a car! Her ego took a knock but he had promised to service the loan so no harm done, right ? Except he made only 1 payment, proposed to her and refused to pay another cent because he told her that she couldn't be his wife and loan shark at the same time, she had to choose. She chose wife, I don't feel like telling tell he rest of the story but the words 'train smash' aptly describe it. 10 years later she's free of the manipulative creep and although she got blacklisted she learnt the lesson on allowing yourself to be manipulated and the guy she is with now is really friggin awesome! You should hear her tell the story, it's so empowering. The truth is I'd heard it through the grapevine first and she'd reacted very aggressively when I'd asked her about it  ( that's a sure sign of a story that's not being owned ) but just because you're avoiding it doesn't mean other people are too. Quite the opposite actually it's the strangest thing. The minute she owned up to it and reclaimed it as her own story, all the gossip died down. The car is lying in a scrap yard somewhere, the guy is... ain't nobody got time for him he's like on Victim Number 666 yes the number of Satan ( the story still upsets me, she thinks that's hilarious ).

This other girl forged her BCom degree certificate and was caught a few years ago. I used to work with her. For the longest while she was the joke of the town because she was trying so hard to deny the story. She left the town, I recently reconnected with her on Facebook and she's busy with her thesis right now, I checked her profile and there were pictures of her getting her degree in Actuarial Sciences! Who's laughing now?

See everybody makes mistakes and those who rejoice over other people's mistakes are usually those who have more than 1 skeleton closet and they can't bear to be alone with themselves so they fill their lives with noise to drown out the sound of skeleton bones bumping against each other in the closet!  They're also very good at bullying other people but don't fear them they enjoy the smell of fear in the air. What we want is for them to go home and face their skeletons so don't engage them, you'll only be distracting them from the real work they need to do. There is power in owning your story! You could even save somebody least of all yourself! 

It's ALL Good.

Gosh life! The ebbs and flows are worse than any roller coaster ride Disney could ever come up with, simply because you can never tell what's around the corner or even on the horizon the only thing you know is what's litterally in front of you and you have absolutely ZERO control of anything but your reaction! That's doable right? Stupid easy except that we relinquish control of the 1 thing that we have power over and instead opt to try to control the situation and or other people! Think about it: if I ask you to look up right now you'd be able to do that in a nanosecond but if I told you to tell everyone in your family for example to look up that would take HOURS because others would want to know why, others would flat out refuse others would be like "ok I'll do it tomorrow I'm busy right now". Which would you rather?  Maybe I'm just lazy 😟 but I would rather the task that takes a second to complete than the other one hands down anyday! 

I know it's not easy to do, but pain was my greatest teacher. I met a guy on my 18th birthday, he came highly recommended and well you know because raging hormones, we had a son a year later. We got married 7 years later and the fairytale litterally ended before the wedding meal had been digested. We tried though for another 7 or so years and there were factors tearing us apart but we really gave the best that we could based on who we were at the time. In 2010 however our 18 month old daughter who was the most rambunctious girl I have ever seen, I swear Nakho had zero fear, she had hundreds of dolls but she preferred a weird crocodile like toy that used to belong to her brother and of course climbing stuff and just adventure in general. She wandered out one day, she literally climbed up to open the door to the gate and went through to the neighbours adjoining gate which she had taught herself to open *I did say she was adventurous didn't I*, got in and subsequently drowned in their fountain. All this happened in less than 10 minutes. She was still breathing when we found her, just a little bit, but I was so focused on the mouth to mouth, I forgot about the hypothermia which is the danger one in drowning accidents, I'd heard that on an episode of Oprah a few months before and I forgot it, a silly part of me still bangs it's head against a wall anytime I think of it but oh well I saw her little body turn lifeless as we were rushing her to the clinic. But there you go!  At 14:30 she had been getting her hair plaited, at 15:30 she was being pronounced dead. BOOM!  What do you do with that?

Okay, so I conceived shortly after that, but the marriage was beyond salvageable and people grieve differently some find comfort in the arms of other people, I suppose because they give you a break from reality you know like you're able to forget when you're with them, and that's fine too, but the marriage couldn't handle a third so it ended. Even the birth of a baby boy, Nkazimulo 9 months after the death of Nakho couldn't save it. Fast forward to 2012, ironically the 21st of December the day the Mayans predicted the world would end and we were at a friend's house there were at least 7 or 8 kids all different ages running around and stuff that kids do and Mazee as we called him was also in the mix. Now he was a quiet child, friendly but with definite loner tendencies and he wandered off through a door that hadn't been opened for the whole 3 years that the family had lived there. They didn't even know that there was a key for that door but somehow somebody had found it that particular day *it matters not who* and Mazee wandered through and 5 minutes later we found his lifeless body in the pool. Pronounced dead at 15:30 on a Friday, just like his sister. He was also 18 months old.... What do you say?  What do you do?  What the FUCK?

I chose ANGER! It's so easy to be angry and it feels so good when you're raging and you annihilate everything and everybody with just the cutting ability of your words. But then you have to keep pushing yourself to shock people further, make them fear you more so you have to get physical! I  punched a guy and busted his lip *gasp* y'all should see how soft and small my hands are 🙈. Now anger is easy rage feels good while you're seeing red but what about the aftermath?  Not good. I ruined so many things, hurt so many people it came to a point where I just couldn't even look myself in the mirror. NB: anytime you find yourself having beef with everyone in your life please know that the problem is you!  I came across an excerpt of Iyanlah Vanzant talking about her journey of dealing with the death of her daughter that the dam walls broke! Sometimes you need someone to speak their words in order to unlock your pain which you have been struggling to articulate. She knew exactly how I was feeling and gave me hope that nothing was wrong with me and that it wasn't my fault AND there was nothing I could do to prevent or alter the situation except to accept it and make peace with it. Now this is the the thing emotional issues can't be explained with logic. Some things you just have to FEEL.

This is what I'm saying today. Nothing is wrong! There may be things that you are not enamoured with, it's okay there's a lesson that you're learning try to relax around that situation mine it for all the beauty that may be found in it and allow yourself to grow. Someone you're in love with doesn't want you?  That's okay!  Nothing is wrong with you, let them go, IN PEACE, you never know who is around the corner waiting for you to free up your schedule. Disease comes knocking?  It's okay, the human body does that sometimes when it's been loaded to capacity. Make peace with it, allow people to look after you, there is no strength in isolation we are humans we are social beings connection is our greatest need, it's okay to be vulnerable. Whatever is going on have peace! Allow people to be who and what they choose to be that way you get to know the real THEM sooner than when you try to beat them into submission. There is beauty in the world. There is beauty in you. Nothing is wrong with you. Selah.

Of Angels and Blessers

South Africa is trending on Twitter! Any publicity is good publicity I suppose. Maybe people will stop coming to our shores to commit murder and instead commit to other things?  Everybody enjoys sex, our bodies need it according to Facebook surveys and scientific studies which I'm all for because Love Rocks! Now I'm no angel *well I could be under the right circumstances, white lingerie, candle light and such* but SA is trending because of Blesserfinder. I'm sure we all know what that is by now and I'm sure we've had lotsa discussions and drunken discourses about the phenomenon and our opinions are pretty much set at this point so fine, that's neither here nor there.

The page has 57 000 or so followers some looking to Bless, others looking to be Blessed - the lawyer in me hopes everybody is of consenting age *side - eyeing parents because duty lies with them to police Little Johnny and Suzie's social media antics* - and then there are the social voyeurs like me. Let me say: I am not opposed to the idea, it's a dating service with the caveat that Blessers need to bless their Blessees with the agreed upon sums of cash, gifts and trips in exchange for sex or whatever the Blessers requirements may be at the time. I see nothing wrong with that Sugar Daddies have been part of our social fabric for eons and some people even go on to marry their Benefactors. Would I be up for it? Ummmm yes and no. I would LOVE to have a Billionaire boyfriend shower me with stuff I only see on TV. But I would also need him to shower me with his love, affection and attention too. Married men are not my thing I like Monogamy I don't compromise on that, but then of course, not all Blessers are married. Thing is attraction is something tactile for me I like to "experience" a person live and in the flesh before I categorize them. So, cyber romance is not really my thing. To each his own, man! As long as it's legal, as long as it's safe, as long as it's fun for all participants I'm fine with it. The reality of the experiences people have on the site are plain hilarious... here are my favourites.